Really?....This is getting old!

I had a weeks vacation last week and it was ok. I did not get as much rest as I hoped I would. With both of the boys in bowling, I had to transport them and their bowling balls majority of the week to school, which meant getting up early and not sleeping in with the little one, and picking them up from school after they come from either a bowling game or practice. Then I technically didn't get a break from the baby until Sunday from 2 to about 5. ( I guess I should be thankful I had even that little break. It's just that it wasn't enough)

So yesterday was my first day back from vacation. The day was going smoothly. Then it happened.
Remember the female co-worker that seems to have a vengeance against me? ( Her and her wicked boss) Well, there was another situation yesterday. My boss sits next to me. So her boss comes over and starts complaining about something that was not put on a spreadsheet that was done. Wanting to know why the additional information was not added. Of course then he asks if (and he said my name as I was sitting there listening) I did the spreadsheet. My boss is looking over the paperwork as this man is in his ear. Then my boss states that he and I discussed last week changes we were going to be making to the spreadsheets. Then my boss realizes that the spreadsheet the other guy gave him, we do not do. So once this other boss leaves, I lean over and ask my boss.." ok, what did I do now?" So he starts talking to me about the spreadsheet and he shows it to me. WE both establish that we do not do this type of spreadsheet. So I walk away to go to the restroom. When I come back, my boss tells me that I didn't do the spreadsheet. He looked through our system and the way our system is, it can tell you who worked on what is there. GUESS WHO WORKED ON THE SPREADSHEET THE OTHER BOSS WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT? None other than the female co-worker who has vengeance against me. Can you believe it? I had previously told my new boss that there was something there and I would one day explain it to him. In the meantime, I continue to treat her, her boss, and everyone else professionally. No attitude, no bitterness, nothing. So now my new boss is starting to see there is something there. What I like is the fact that my new boss is sticking up for me. He is not assuming that whoever comes to him about me is automatically correct in what they are doing. He is being fair. And he is also coming to notice that it is only these 2 people (the female co-worker and her boss) that keep trying to stir up trouble against me. FOR WHATEVER REASON!

What will be the outcome of this? I am not sure. But I do know I am tired of her and her issue, whatever it is, against me. It's bad enough that I am 1 out of a total of 6 minorities in this company. Yes, this company of (we have a total of 200-500 employees in all locations combined) about 100 in this location has only 6 minorities. I haven't seen too many pictures of other minorities in any of the other locations. But I am sick of it. She really should leave me alone. I have not bothered her. She got the acceptance of everyone else she wanted in the office so why focus on me? It's annoying! But at least I now have a boss on my side. One who is fair and will stand up for his team!

Other than that, I am still on the path of trying to find out where I need and should be in my career. Because it definitely doesn't seem like it is with this company. I want to be somewhere where I wouldn't even care that much about the money. Somewhere I can say I love my job! I wonder if that truly exists? A good majority of these career tests I take place me as a psychologist or a mental health counselor. Really? Who knows, but I will keep searching.

Until next time.....

UUUggghhhh......

People can really get on my nerves! You know usually when I can't sleep, I start talking to God. Some nights, He will allow me to fall asleep in the middle of talking to Him. The other night I was not so fortunate. I tossed and turned a little and then, I guess it was towards morning, had 3 different scenarios. 1. There was this handsome guy. (Who wouldn't like that?). Seemed like I was being conflicted. I sensed he was nice but I was worried about the feelings of someone else....
2. I was shopping with this lady. She had alot of money. I guess she was a millionaire. Whenever she would purchase something, she had a ledger that the information would go into. Now the lady wouldn't put the information in the ledger. She always had the clerk do it. So she purchased something and indicated that the clerk was supposed to write it in the ledger. There was some confusion somewhere, because I was the one who ended up explaining to the clerk how to input the information into the ledger.
3. I was watching someone running through people's yards. (Sometimes I felt like I was supposed to run from that person...or at least I was hiding from them) Then it changed to some guys who hijacked a truck. The truck contained some animal and all I could hear/see was someone say 'Filet" and then proceed to cut a chunk of meat from the animal and throw it into a frying pan.  Oh my, oh my.....
I woke up late because of this and I woke up feeling sooooo off! All of it was weird and I couldn't understand any of it.

Anyway, back to people. I don't know why it is some people seem to make it their mission to bother other people without reason. I've spoke about a particular female before who tried numerous times to get me in trouble. She succeeded in turning others against me that don't even talk to me. But not all people are interested in hearing both sides of a story. Especially those who love to gossip! She calmed down for a minute. Then tried to get me in trouble with my new boss. Who didn't take sides and didn't automatically get on my case just because she said so. He was civil enough to see both sides and try to help come to an agreement. It just so happens the agreement was for what I had suggested to her from the beginning. OH she didn't like that. So she calmed down for a while. She started being all nice and fake. (I know her routine now). Then of course, here she comes again. She never does things on her own. She tries to round up troops before she swoops in for the kill. I try my hardest not to get made about it anymore. It's hard to, but I just pray I have a better boss this time around. I do nothing to this lady to invoke anything she tries to do to me. I don't talk to her so she doesn't know anything about my personal life. When she tries to talk, I am polite and listen and do not agree or put myself in any situation where she can go back and say...well she said.....What makes it worse, when no one is listening, she will tell me how good of a job I am doing and that I am keeping her on track with her own work! So why she's so against me, I do not know.

I haven't tried praying for her. Maybe I should do that. I just wish she let go of whatever it is she has against me and leave me ALONE!

I wish I had more time to write like I used to. I wish I had more time to do so many other things like I used to.....I wish...I wish....I wish......

Until next time......

Today 11/16/2012

Not feeling it at all today. Personal life is stupid.

Whatever.....I am feeling sad and in a 'why me' mode.

I don't talk to God very much which I know is not good.  So the other day, I started talking to him. I told Him how I know I didn't belong here at my job. A day later, I get a call from one of our competitors. The other day I was talking to Him and was saying how I just want to be at peace. That's all. Just at peace. Well, He granted that in a way I wasn't prepared for. Or at least I think all of it was His doing. Since I haven't been talking to Him alot and in His will, why would he?

I was in the kitchen preparing my breakfast when this comes in:

"Whom the Son sets free is free indeed"....what??? where did that come from???

I had to look it up and it is John 8:36. There is nothing else I can say.

Until next time.....

Where do you belong?

I've been a emotionally imbalanced for the last couple of days....ha ha...that's a cute way to put it!
So just about everyone has gotten on my last nerve. Except my little man. Right now he cannot do too much wrong. He puts a smile on my face alot. Don't get me wrong, i love my other 2 boys just as much, but they are older and the older they get the more trying they become.

To add to the imbalance, I've continued to be tired. But my body will not let me take a nap when I get home. 1.because I have kids to watch and dinner to cook, and 2. because once I go to sleep, I want to remain sleep for the night, not get up, agitated, and be grouchier than before I went to sleep.

Anyway, so many things have been going through my mind. What shall I start with? How about this stupid job? Yes, I am grateful I have a job but some of the things in corporate America, get on my nerves and continue to make me see I do not belong in it. So apparently you are not allowed to be quiet and shy. People have a tendency to make their own assumptions about you and while majority of the time it doesn't bother me, the last couple of days it has made me mad. Our company usually does a skit when we have meetings off site, maybe once a year. The last meeting, I was pregnant, and the skit was pretty cute. Well this year, they are including my department in the skit. By the way my department consists of 3 people. Myself and 2 others. So I sat in one of the 3 meeting we have regarding it. We were supposed to choose who is going to participate in the skit. So the one lady looks at me and says "because I heard that you weren't really going to do it"...I looked at her and said "who told you that?" She didn't even answer me. She kind of looked down and away. This is not the 1st time I have heard this. Really? Seriously? Since when does it become appropriate to assume what someone will or won't do especially if you haven't even asked them?
Made me mad enough to be the one who participates in the skit so they will shut up!

Whatever....I have come to the conclusion, not because of what just happened, but because of numerous things that have happened, that I DO NOT BELONG HERE!  The money is good and the benefits are good, but the rest....blah!
My boss has changed, thank God! This boss is ok with my personality. You know being shy and all and just concentrating on doing my work. My boss for the last 2 yrs was a doozie! So many people had not so nice things to say about him and I would just say "oh yeah?", "wow". This man didn't like my personality. When a situation occurs at work, you are supposed to get all persons involved and discuss. Well, my boss didn't do that. There was a mistake I had made on a spreadsheet. So the person I gave it to, never told me about it. Instead, she told her boss who in turn told my boss. Explain to me why I did not hear about this till weeks later? If I make a mistake, please inform me and we can discuss, don't go running to tell like a child, so you can see if you will get me in trouble.
Well when I met with my boss, he asked me about it. Not to get my point of view on it, but to kind of accuse me on it. I told him I didn't even know I made the mistake and that it should have been told to me. How can mistakes be corrected and prevented in the future if you don't let the person who made the mistake know? So I wanted to go talk to the lady and her boss, but guess what, my boss wouldn't let me. Instead I am told to be more meticulous in my work. Are you kidding me? I can't defend myself.?  Our yearly reviews are on a total point scale. 3.0 is really good and above that is spectacular. Well I have gotten a 2.5 in the last 2 years and because of that, my boss decided not to give me a raise. While others around me were getting raises for the 2.5 they had gotten, I got nothing. For 2 yrs! Then to add insult to injury, my boss made me feel like I wasn't worth his time, very often. We had a weekly meeting that he would either sometimes not show up to or would not let me know before hand that his previous meeting was running late and we needed to reschedule. Talk about rude! I despised working under him.

My new boss, he is much better. He's ok with my personality because he is somewhat like me. He just works. He never really stands around chit-chatting. He speaks when he needs to. So I am giving him a chance. I work my butt off here. Staying late at times to make sure my work is done. They don't care alot of the good stuff you do but they pounce on anything that is not good. I especially get it because I do not spend my days talking to everyone but doing my work. So I do not fit in. I am here to do my work anyway so most of the time it doesn't bother me. However, more and more lately, I keep thinking about where do I actually belong. It's not here. If this becomes the 3rd yr I do not get a raise, I will leave. Just to let you know I have been here for 4 yrs now. 2 of those years I had one boss- got a raise every year, 2 yrs this other boss-didn't get a raise for those 2 yrs. So this new boss, is getting a chance and if it doesn't go well, they will have one less person in the 3 person department.

Interesting thing is soooo many people have been leaving this company it's not funny. And these are the popular people that everyone likes and the big wigs invest themselves in. They leave. And I am still here. Why GOD?  I may have more to say but I got to go do other things.

Until next time.....

Down, down, down....

I have never been so broke in my life! It seems I will never catch up on my bills. This stems from me having to scrape together money ($135 a week) for daycare while the baby's dad only paid $75.

That killed me. I get paid only 2 times a month. (He got paid weekly) and to have to try to come up with $135 weekly was not an easy task. I am still paying for it. Had to pull it from other sources. Stupid, I now know. But I needed to get my son in daycare, his current babysitter was slacking big time on taking care of him and giving us attitude. So I talked with his dad, and we agreed to put him in daycare. I stupidly assumed that the dad would invest in getting a better paying job to help daycare costs. Joke was on me! He didn't so eventually, I couldn't keep up with my $135 payment and had to take the baby out. But now I am still suffering for what I did. It backed up every bill I had. So now I am trying to continue to catch up in the midst of things being turned off and back on again. This sucks big time. I have 3 kids I have to take care of and they are not supposed to witness the electricity going off and then back on, nor the gas being shut off and then turned back on. Yes, I know things happen but I am supposed to prevent these things.

I look all around me and wonder why it seems as though other people's lives are so much better than mine. They are able to get what they want when they want. They go on vacation to very nice places and I still can't. (Either by myself or with someone in my life) Relationships don't work when one person contributes more than the other and the other doesn't seem to think to get off their butts and do better because there is more than one person in the equation now!

Ok, back up. I'm not jealous of those other people. I am glad they get what they do and go where they go, I just wish circumstances where alot better so that I don't seem to always have to struggle so much.

I was smirking a little the other day when I saw this beautiful Cadillac with the license plate that said liv4Him. To a non-believer, it looks as though they were saying if you live for Him, you too can get nice cars and nice things. It deceiving for them. Sure there are some in this world who follow Him and get riches in this world. But I see a lot who follow Him and seem to struggle alot.(Thier riches are not in this world) I don't know, just something I was thinking about the other day.

In any circumstance, struggling sucks! My oldest son told me that next time I have a man in my life, to make sure he makes about as much money as I do. People used to tell me that all the time, but I was one to say give people that don't make that much a chance. (under the stupid thought that they would eventually strive for better) He's right. And then I added a lot more things to the list of 'my next man'.....although I am pretty much done with dealing with men for now. It's too exhausting. Especially if you get the wrong one!

I think I am just babbling today and that's ok. See it takes a long time for me to be able to write so when I do, I have so much in my head that wants to get out that sometimes it appears as though I am babbling. Awww, who cares, at least some of it is coming out.

Until next time......I continue to press on.

Moment of madness...

I had a slight melt down this morning. I thought about the fact that a large majority of relationships that don't last but have children in them, always end with the children being with the woman. I guess because of the stress of not having "me" time, it resulted in a moment of madness.

A moment where I decided men got on my last nerve. When the relationship ends, how often do you hear a man fight to keep the kids with him? Almost never. This seems to be their door to freedom. From kids, from responsibility. This is the beginning of the mother's never ending time of "never being alone". Some of the cases I have heard where the man just completely leaves the child's life. Then there are those who sometimes see their children, you know the times they feel like it, when it won't interrupt their free time.

Kids are a blessing and I guess that's an aspect we need to think about before we get into a relationship however there is never a guarantee, with even the relationships that are thought to be almost perfect, of what each parent will do when faced with separation. So yes, here is another day where I am at my wits end because I have not had a soulful rest.

During the week, I happened to think about relationships. We are to think about what it is we want and don't want before we get into one. I tell you each and every relationship has taught me something and that's a good thing. Anyone who walks away from a relationship not having analyzed the relationship, themselves, or the person they were with, are doomed to repeat the same things over and over again. Such is a tragedy.

I then started to ask myself, do I ever want to be in a relationship ever again? At the time I asked, my answer was no. Right now, I still say no. Relationships are very hard, which I didn't think they should be, and they are even harder with someone who you have nothing in common with. Opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily stay together.

I also had a discussion with a male last week about the expectations of a man and a woman in a relationship.
One thing I got from it was they don't make men like they used to. Chivalry is almost dead. Guys I have known and seen around don't have the mentality of providing for a family. They don't have the mentality of staying faithful in a relationship when the tough comes around. They don't have the motivation for themselves to do better. They are comfortable with 'just getting by". This guy I was talking to, he grew up different from me too. His parents divorced when he was young and his father was never around. He had an aunt that got married and 6 mos later got the married annulled because her husband caught her seeing some guy she had been secretly seeing while she was in a relationship with her now ex-husband. Then his father is in a relationship with someone but still visits his mother, of course without the girlfriend's knowledge. Then he has a cousin who lives with an older woman who has 2 kids. He constantly cheats on her and she catches him and still takes him back. Just a bunch of craziness.

Don't get me wrong, some women have changed as well, but to a degree I am in favor of that. If we have a full time job just like the man does, why should it still remain majority of our responsibility to cook, clean, and take care of the kids? I could understand if we stayed at home and the man was working to provide but it's not like that anymore. I believe things should be equal. If I am working my butt off, why should I shoulder more responsibility than the man?

Anyway, I realized with my last relationship, that I had expectations that I thought were common sense. While he claimed he had no expectations yet would ask if I would wash and iron his clothes. Are you serious? What's wrong with your hands? I had already taught my boys to wash their own clothes but you expect me to do yours? It was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship....no way. I think he was mixing up what a woman did in marriage with what was supposed to happen in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Regardless, know you, know what you want and don't want, and know what you expect in your relationships. I bet they will go a lot more smoother. I love writing and will try to do it more often.

Anyway, I am much calmer now and I can continue to go on with my day.

Until next time..........

A sigh of relief....

When I was in my last relationship, some people fell off. Not because of them, because of me and my relationship.

Well within the last 2 weeks, I have heard from 2 people that were very dear to me. All I could feel was elation in my heart and I let out a sigh of relief.

My relationship had left me feeling alone and some people told me that those I previously knew would understand once the communication was revived.

It felt so nice to speak to them both even if it was brief. How could I have let them slip away?
My life needs to change. It needs a new direction. It will be tough 3 kids is no joke! But I need to do it.

Until next time.....

Choices.....

I was just thinking this morning, about the decisions I have made in my life. They haven't all been the greatest. I was thinking more along the lines of the people I become involved with. I try to figure out why I get involved with certain people. The relationships don't always end well. Why can't I have that great relationship I hear some talk about? Why can't I have what my grandmother and grandfather had? Its a sad thing to think about. Especially since one more of my relationships ended.

I was looking at my precious little baby last night. He's adorable. He's growing and changing. He will be 1 yrs old this Saturday. Boy time flies! But I was saddened at the fact that now here is another young male who will grow up without a father's true presence in his life. Not because of me because I always leave the door open for dad to see his son, but because of his dad. See I have already witnessed how his is with his other children. One of them lives out of state so that one is a little tricky, but the other lives in the same state and he sees him every other weekend and when he does see him, he lets him stay with someone else for the weekend. (except for the few weekends he felt guilty at what I said to him about spending time with his children. Those weekends he stayed with us)
But that guilty feeling didn't always last. So now I think about how he will be towards my son. Thank God my baby is still too young to go with his dad for the weekend. But I still don't like to think about when he will be at that age when he can. I didn't want this to happen to my son so I feel really bad about that. I now have to make up again for the missing father. I know some boys grow up very well with having a single mother but, well I don't know. I don't know what the future holds for any of my sons. I keep striving though, to be the best mother I can be to them.

So I thought about the choices of guys that were made. No offense to them but there is always a choice of incompatibility. (nice way to put it) We come from different back grounds and different live styles. Aren't differences supposed to help in a relationship? Well, alot of times they don't. Like my last relationship.

When I look back at it, we really didn't have much in common. Not to mention he had alot of issues and baggage that he carried with him. His biggest issue was insecurity. I don't think I have ever witnessed that much insecurity in my life. It was real eye opener. part of me felt bad because he had been hurt so much in his life by people who were close to him. I mean his own brother slept with a girl that was his girlfriend! I mean really, that would cut deep for anyone. But then he never let that stuff go. So he carried it into the relationship. The males I had as friends, they kind of withered away. Partly it was my fault. I was trying to compromise when I was in the relationship. I was not trying to constantly keep in touch with them, but even the smallest communication bothered him. It got to the point where I didn't want to deal with the repercussion it brought so I barely talked to my male friends. Mistake, mistake, mistake! So once the male friends were not around, then my ex put his focus on my 1st and 2nd oldest son's father. It was hell dealing with the ex and still keeping the communication open with my ex-husband regarding our kids. He felt that their dad should be talking to them (because they were old enough), that he didn't need to talk to me. Or he felt he was talking to me too long on the phone. Or he would berate him and talk about what he wasn't doing as a father, etc. I was shocked at the extent he would go. I mean my ex-husband wasn't a perfect father but neither was my ex-boyfriend and I wondered what gave him the right to talk about someone else's parenting skills when he lacked so much. My ex-husband and I have been divorced over 10 yrs now and I am sure if we wanted each other, we would have gotten together before now.

But what came into play here with my ex-boyfriend was his past and how he grew up. His past consisted of alot of people, including himself, cheating on their mate. It also included never seeing that ex-husband and wives, could get along without fighting and bickering and hating each other. Just because he didn't talk to both of his ex-girlfriends he fathered kids with, was not my problem. it meant he didn't know how to do it. So my communication with my ex-husband, to my ex-boyfriend, was like "oh, they are trying to get back together" Talk about issues! This was the worst thing I had ever experienced. But there were so many things that were 'different'. My family always told me to select someone who had money. I always thought just because a person had money, didn't make them a better choice. I still hold to that belief, however when being a family, it does help for both to have money. My ex-boyfriend didn't have alot of money, which was ok. The part that wasn't ok was that he really didn't want to try to get more even in preparation for a new baby! Oh my goodness. It was a nightmare trying to get him to get a better job, another job, or an extra job to get additional money coming in. He was ok with not having much money to take care of business. There are medical bills from when I had my baby, that still need to be paid! Looking back, I see he didn't proceed to get another job because he was so focused on watching me. Staying around me so much so that I couldn't cheat (which I never would have) and making sure others were not around me. Just crazy! Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. But I had dealt with alot of my issues in my period of alone time. I did start to get a little insecure towards the end of the relationship. One because I wasn't giving him much sex and also because I knew what he had done in his past relationship. He cheated on his ex-girlfriend because she cheated on him. However, he was delusional when it came to me. He was always thinking negatively and thinking I was doing things when I was not. (Once my oldest son and I were sitting at my computer desk talking. We were talking about why the Internet was acting up. So later, my ex-boyfriend starting hounding me about how was he supposed to trust me and why was I being sneaking. I was shocked and wondered what he was talking about. So he proceeds to continue to get angry and tell me how my son and I were over there whispering about my ex-husband. What!?!?!?!? he kept getting angry and trying to argue and I didn't want any part of it. So I shut this door that was leading to the upstairs and locked it. It took him a minute to unlock the door. And he remained quiet for the rest of the night. The next morning. I didn't call him mainly because he was wrong in what he did and I wanted him to apologize. He called me and continued to act bad. He accused me of being sneaky with my son and talking about how there is always talking or texting between my ex-husband and myself. This man is crazy! When I locked him downstairs, my phone was down there. So he took it upon himself to go through my phone, which he has done on numerous occasions. Even if I didn't trust him, I have never disregarded his privacy. Although I didn't have anything to hide with my phone, he invaded my privacy.)

I could go on and on about the issues I had to go through being with this guy, but it's too much to list. then I ask myself, why did I stay so long? Only one answer comes to me, for my son. I didn't want another child growing up without a father. I didn't want to be part of that statistic about single mothers. But it happened anyway. A large part of me feels like a failure. But what is done is done. I went through hell but I can recover. I feel sorry for my ex-boyfriend. He still has to live with his issues and baggage which he will continue to carry from person to person until he acknowledges it and deals with it. I bet he is on to the next person already. But its not my concern. My concerns lie with my boys and being the best mother I can be to them. As for another relationship, no way! Not now and maybe not even ever. I am too tired to keep dealing with the wrong people. My boys are my world.

So this weekend, my middle son turns 14 on Friday and my baby son turns 1 on Saturday. Their birthday is one day apart but 13 yrs apart as well! Then my cousin's birthday is on Sunday. A full weekend, I guess that will be good. But I guarantee I will be tired!

Until next time.......

Differently.....

So today I am feeling differently than I thought I actually would. I was much stronger and tougher last night. Maybe because I was angry. The baby sort of slept through the night. he tossed and turned some but stayed asleep. I had dreams, sad dreams, but don't remember them now. Which is better that I don't.

I feel like crying. Especially when I look at my baby boy. I love him dearly, just as I do my other boys. Which by the way they tried to cheer me up last night. They combed my hair. They know me. In any situation, when I am mad or whatever, I feel calmed by having my hair combed. Gotta love the kids!

So here comes the time of pain, anger, sadness, reflection, and the knowing that I need to keep it moving. Especially for the kids.
I have to rearrange my life again to make it just me and my boys. Which in the long run might be the best thing in the world. At this point I don't know. Only time will tell.

Until next time....

And so it is done....

This weekend started on a good note but ended on a sad one. The boyfriend and I are no longer. Saturday we celebrated our 2yr dating anniversary. Dinner and a movie. It was a good day. We finally got to get out without the baby. We enjoyed ourselves. When I look back, we didn't have much conversation though.

Then on today, I had signed up for to walk for Autism. That was great. The day was nice, not too hot, not too windy, but just right. Then after the walk, we went to the park and played on the swings and slides with the baby. Good times.

We were exhausted and all took naps. Once the nap was over, my phone signaled someone sending me a text. First thing my boyfriend said, "you're phone is making noise". Really, like I don't hear it. There were 7 texts. It was my oldest son. He and his friends had been playing. So of course, the boyfriend continues to make comments about it. "it has been making noise about 10 times" (he likes to exaggerate) "So what. It was my son."  "All 7 times?"  "Oh my goodness! If you need to look at it look at it. If not be quiet about it!" At this point he stopped asking about it.

I asked him if next weekend, the baby and I could come visit him. Instead of discussing this, he gets mad. (His tone changed) Then he refuses to discuss it. He kept his feelings in. I told him he didn't know how to communicate because instead of expressing his feelings on what I said, he just closes up and says nothing. (However his change in tone signifies he has a problem with it) The next thing I know, he is telling me that I want all of a sudden do this because maybe I have something planned. What???? I am trying to see what we can do to help our relationship and may be we can change things up. But he's not hearing this. He then proceeds to tell me that maybe I have something planned with my ex-husband because he's been contacting me every other day. What????
At this point he references a specific text in my phone which immediately pisses me off because this means he has been going through my phone. (No privacy). No matter what I may feel at any particular time, I do not go through his phone. That is invasion of privacy and even though I have nothing to hide, he is dead wrong for going through my phone! He has had this 'thing' about my ex-husband for a very long time. The fight was ugly. I said some things about him not being a real man. (well, I was actually speaking the truth) And all he could do was keep accusing me of being with my ex-husband. Because he knows what he sees and....I told him I was sick and tired of his insecurity and issues. Because of his damaged past, he continually looks for things to go wrong. I had enough. I can't spend the rest of my life defending myself for something I am not doing. It makes no sense. I have no time to cheat. While he on the other hand, has so much free time on his hands it is not funny. He kept telling me he wasn't stupid and didn't like being played. I told him he was being stupid and he was playing himself.

You know, I truly care about my ex boyfriend but he couldn't see how true I was to him because of his own issues. I can not and never could help him with that. All I kept telling myself was " I care but I am so tired, I don't care if this ends"

So I told him if he continues to think I am cheating with my ex-husband then we don't need to be together. All the accusations.....I was done. So instead of leaving right away, he decides to stay until my older sons come home. Then when they get there, he continues to linger at the house. I wanted him to go. I had enough of him and his accusations and his attitude. But he was there far a while. It was like he really didn't want to go. But eventually he left. I am exhausted.

Part of me is ok with us breaking up. I will not have to hear any more accusations. I will not have to deal with a person who will not trust me. (Never have I given him a reason not to. His past has screwed his head up!) I will not have to deal with the anger he has and the insecurity he has either. I will not have to deal with someone invading my privacy because of his issues.
The bad part is that my son will not have the dad he deserves to have.
Now, I quit with relationships period. I am sooooooo exhausted. So so exhausted. I love my boys though. I have them. Maybe they were all I was supposed to have.

Until next time.....

Not meant to....

I was thinking that maybe I was not meant to be in a relationship....with anybody. Maybe I was meant to just raise my boys.

Relationships are not easy and I have many failed ones. My marriage failed and each relationship I have had after the failed marriage, has failed. There is alot of compromising that needs to go on in  relationship and when you don't have a good one, there is no compromising. We can't even compromise to compromise.

Uggghhh!!! It just starts to permeate to everything around me. It makes you become unhappy with just about everything. That is not good. I need to get out more. I need to get back to the things I know make me happy regardless of what him, his issues, and his boxed in life has brought to me.

I used to write alot. Loved doing it. I had some male friends (religious) that were really good friends. One was a pastor who had helped out the boys in their time of need. We became friends and he was a good religious uplift for myself and my sons. The other one was a family friend. He had actually dated my cousin but they didn't work out. But he was still friends with the family. I don't know how we became friends but he was a great friend. He was so knowledgeable about the bible. I would always go to him for answers regarding my bible study. (At least the ones I just couldn't get). But we also went places. Not as a date but just as friends. God I miss that. He was awesome and funny. But my friends slipped away because of my boyfriend. He said, "I never told you to stop talking to them", which he was right when he said that. However his actions whenever I would talk to them are what made me taper off talking to them. I regret that wholeheartedly!

I miss being by myself. I have no time by myself. During the week, I have all three kids and occasionally my boyfriend will come over. Even when he's not there, he still demands time by phone. Then on the weekend, the older boys go with their dad, sometimes not until Sat and then return early Sun, and my boyfriend wants to stay the weekend, along with my baby. So, I have absolutely no time to myself. He doesn't even take the baby somewhere sometimes to give me rest. My supposed rest consists of going into another room.

I need to take my life back. I need to watch movies and eat solo like I used to do. I thought about volunteering at the animal shelter. I love kittens/cats and I like dogs too. I need me back. He took over my life and not so much in the greatest way. He doesn't do anything extra. Probably because he doesn't trust people but his stuff is not my problem. I can't shut off my life for him. I still need to live. In the past, when we went to church, I tried to get him involved with good Christian men. That didn't even work. For whatever reason the idea to him was good but he never fell through with it. All people out there are not bad. But you do have to be willing to put yourself out there and you'll never know when you will be rewarded with some good, healthy, relationships.

I want ME back!!!!

Until next time......

It's not going to work

I just don't think my boyfriend and I will be together much longer. There are so many differences and so many problems. It took alot to get him to do things while he lived in the house and unfortunately now that he is gone, it's even worse. He came over on the weekend and I watched and waited to see what he would do as far as our little one was concerned. That whole weekend, he fed him once. Once! And when I finally made a comment about it, he instead of accepting the fact thats all he did, he tried to tell me he did more than that. He tried to tell me that he fed him Sat (mind you he had been gone from around 2 to 9:30 and claimed he fed the baby when he came in) Uh no! The baby had already been fed around 8pm. So how does he figure he fed him at 9:30?

Sorry to say but I told him all he thinks about is sex and food. Nothing in between. I got mad at him on Sunday. 1st of all I said I need to go grocery shopping. The first thing out of his mouth is "I don't have any money"...WOW!!! I don't even recall asking you!! I just commented on what I had to do. I had to go to multiple places so he tags along with me. After shopping, I go home. I then cook, get the baby's bottles and bags ready for daycare, and feed him. By then it's getting late. Now I need to wash the baby's clothes so he will have something to wear tomorrow. My boyfriend stands there and says "why didn't you do that earlier?" EXCUSE ME! I was shcoked and stunned that question even came out of his mouth. Are you serious? I just stood there and looked at him. Let me tell you what he did that day. he tagged along while I shopped. Then he left and went to pick up his other son and go drop him off at home. (Ohhhh a whole other story!!!!) Then he comes back, eats dinner, and then gets ready for sleep. So actually, what did he do? NOTHING. But he has the never to ask me that question. I looked at him, turned around, and left the room. I tried to hold it in but on my way down stairs, it slowly leaked out. Nothing bad, just amazed that with all the things I was doing today, that he would even say that. Whatever I said, it eventually made him come downstairs and wash the baby's clothes. All that should never have happened.

I am just so tired. What he is, is a whole different type of person whom I can not pamper, baby, or take care of like he was a child. I am not his mother. He's never dated someone older than himself before nor someone with children. He's dated younger girls he thought he'd be able to control and unlucky for him, they ended up cheating on him. I haven't cheated and will not, but I will not put up with his laxidasical ways either. His 2nd son's mother he said he really didn't want to be with her and she paid for everything. So these other people enable him to want to really not do anything.

The bad part about alot of this is that he either doesn't see or want to see how he is. Nor does he want to change it. It takes too much energy to do that. You have a problem if you say you trust no one. You have a problem when you'd rather be by yourself than to deal with other people because of  'the way they are'. You have a problem when you don't accept responsibility for what you do but push the blame on others.

I don't understand how a man can have visitation rights to see his son every other weekend, but when the weekend comes, he picks up the child, takes him to someone else's house, and doesn't see the child until Sunday, when he has to take him back home? Why do that? First it means he doesn't have to watch him or take care of him, he's allowing someone else to do it. His daughter was here for the summer. The only way he actually stayed in the same house with her was when we moved him out of mine. Other than that he would have just occasionally visited her. She lives in another state for God's sake and your barely see her. Why would you not spend as much time with her as you can while she is here? AFter witnessing all this, I started to think, would it be bad if we didn't work out and I got visitation rights to stipulate that if he is does not have the child during his visit, that he looses visitation rights? I mean what difference would it make? Someone else is watching his child anyway so it's not like he really sees him. So many things to think about.

I keep thinking back to the day I was in the hospital. I had just had my baby. I had a C-section. So I am in the bed trying to recovery from surgery and trying to take care of a newborn. My boyfriend has a seriously insecure issue with my ex-husband. He believes I shouldn't have any type or very limited communication with him because he believes in his mind that my ex-husband still wants to be with me. Mind you it has been well over 10 yrs since we've been divorced. So I am laying in the bed and I get up to go to the bathroom. I hurt so much and am so slow. My baby is in his bassinette sleeping so I have my phone on vibrate so it will not wake him. I eventually come back to my bed only to realize that my boyfriend has called a number of times. When I finally call him back, you can tell right away he was angry. He going on and on asking me what I was doing and why I didn't answer the phone. It's a hospital room and I just had a baby by way of surgery, where would I go? I got mad, because he said something about my ex-husband. What? My dad walks in the room and he hears me fussing back at my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend I am not in the mood for this and I am getting off the phone. I am so mad. I try to dismiss it. My dad leaves the room to go downstairs and meet my cousin. Then my boyfriend appears. He is still heated. He starts arguing with me. "I better not find out he was up here", etc, etc. What is he talking about? My dad eventually comes back and he and my dad go walking and talking. The whole problem was this. Apparently my boyfriend has insecurity issues. My ex-husband called him and asked him what room I was in. That set my boyfriend off. With him being insecure you know that didn't set well with him. So instead of calmly approaching me about it, since I was unable to answer my phone, that only fueled his insecurity. So by the time he finally got to talk to me, he was already high strung. I didn't even know what as about to happen.

First of all why would you even do that to someone who is in the hospital? Who does that? Second, why would you not remain calm enough to ask me instead of coming at me accusingly? I had done nothing and got fussed at and mistrusted for no reason other than my boyfriend already having his own personal issues he never resolved. My father told him that my ex-husband did what he did on purpose. To see what would happen. He wanted to cause issues between us and my boyfriend walked right into it.
My maternity leave wasn't any better. if I didn't answer the phone, he had a problem. He would get upset and cause arguments. He was always thinking I would have my ex-husband at my house while I was recovering. (He's called my ex-husband for a reason!) That is not the mind of a healthy person. That's not even the half of it but I can't even write no more today.

Until next time......  :-(

Uuuggghhh!!!!

Today has been a day to say the least. First I woke up late. Someone touched my alarm clock and it messed up the volume. I woke up at 7:05am. Should have been up an hour ago. But it was ok. I didn't flip out on that.

Got to work and well today was another boring day. Not much to do but I had to be there. I like when it is busy because it keeps me busy and not bored. I despise being bored.

Financial issues are surfacing. Just keep praying on that. Then I find out that my landlord is trying to charge me for sewer at a time I wasn't even living in my house! Are you serious! I am not paying that. He will have to adjust it just like he did the water bill. My car insurance went up because the house/car discount came off. Seriously! Blah, blah, blah! I could go on and on but I won't.

I'd rather turn to what I was listening to with Joyce Meyers today. It is week 1 of Guarding your heart. She touched on 2 hearts. 1. The presumptuous heart-telling everybody what's wrong with them but not yourself. (Psalms 19:12-14) and 2. The hypocritical/judgemental heart- tells everyone what to do but doesn't do anything. (Matt 23:1-3 and 4-7)

Boy do we all know each one of those types. Joyce is funny at times, which is why I like her. She open about how she used to be and gives good sermons and breaks it up with a little humor at times.

What I really liked is when she said "do you go to church to worship or are you a worshipper?" (God loves a worshipper) She says a worshipper lives a lifestyle that worships God! She gave the example of how her and her husband would argue the morning they were going to church. All the way in the car, then when they hit the church doors...."Good morning, hallelujah! Singing...We bring the sacrifice of praise...." Then they'd argue all the way back home.  She is too funny because I'm pretty sure we've all experienced that.

She then started talking about the story of the fig tree. I'll have to tell you about that tomorrow. Mommy duty calls.....

Until next time!

Really?????

Oh my goodness. This living in separate households is supposed to work.

But it just seems like it is making him exhibit more issues. I have 3 kids I have to deal with. Not so much the older kids but the baby is more work than anything. He doesn't want to sit still any more.

So this morning my baby wakes up the same time I do. I text my boyfriend good morning and tell him that baby woke up the same time I did. For anyone who has babies, you know getting yourself and the baby ready at the same time, on a time limit, is both time consuming and a little difficult. So I don't even know how much later it was but I look at my phone and realize my boyfriend had texted back. Nothing like wow....his 1st response was "what's up with the late response if up so early?' ....I'm like are you kidding me?

My routine is the same every morning. So on our way to the day care, I let the little one watch Mickey Mouse on my phone. My boyfriend knows this, so why did he text me again and this time say, "Honey we argue about alot of little things, not upset, just want the same respect when I don't respond right away, that's all I ask."

I'm like is he crazy? I spend my mornings getting myself and my baby ready. I take him to day care, etc., so if I can't get to my phone he should understand, don't you think? But no. He does not have anyone to take care of but himself so that's why I don't understand at times why he doesn't answer his phone. And his excuse will be one of these three: 1. I didn't hear it ring. 2. I didn't feel it vibrate . 3. I was letting it charge. (or sometimes, because I know him, he will not answer out of spite) Such ridiculous things to say.
Me on the other hand, I have dinner to cook, a baby to feed, a diaper bag and other things to get ready for the day care in the morning, and clothes to get out for myself and the baby. So if I don't drag my phone into every room with me he knows why.

So even more ridiculous, is tonite. I cook dinner and eat while the baby is taking a nap. So when he wakes, I am preparing his dinner. I can not talk and feed him at the same time so I tell my boyfriend I will call him back when I am done. Well, the baby is not wanting the food. So I have to prepare a bottle and then feed him that. Then we go and prepare him for bed. Then I call my boyfriend back. At this point he is upset because I didn't call him immediately after I fed the baby the bottle, like I said I would. I told him sometimes things happen. I said you know exactly what I am doing over here.

It pisses me off when he gets these idiotic attitudes because they are pointless. It is not my problem he has nothing, and I mean nothing to occupy his time. He doesn't have kids to watch. He doesn't have hobbies. He's supposed to be working on his issues but he seems to be having a problem getting that together and then I have to hear the dumb issues? He's having a fit because he can't live with me like he has done with all his other girlfriends. I think his insecurity is what causes him to live with his girlfriends in the first place. he can keep an eye on them that way. But that also causes issues, because if he something is done that causes a flashback of what his previous girlfriend had done, oh it gets ridiculous. I never understood how someone who has a "seeing is believing attitude" can ever believe in God. It just doesn't seem possible.

He sometimes exhibits childlike behavior. He is getting emotional because he doesn't like us living in different households but instead of expressing it in words, he's acting it out like a child. This is the reason why there are times I am glad we don't live together. There are other reasons but I don't want to go into it now.

I just needed to get his ridiculousness off my chest right now. Sometimes, I think we will not make it. I am not perfect, but the stupid, petty things he tries to argue about are ridiculous. And I have told him, he will never have a caring, loving, positive relationship with anybody if he doesn't fix or get fixed his issues. I will not let him guilt trip me or try to even blame me for us not being in the same household. Not going to happen. He has issues that he knows about but doesn't fix and issues that he doesn't want to admit to. God help him! (because only God can!)

Time will tell what will happen with us. Time will tell. Gotta get back to my baby!

Until next time!

Drifting

Hebrews 3:12-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹² See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. ¹³ But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 


The last devotional I read was about spiritual drifting. Ok so I got to be real here. It got me to thinking about my spiritual drift. One that I didn't want to admit to.

Just like the devotional stated, it is a gradual wandering away from God. I was where I was supposed to be. I was doing what I was supposed to do, for the most part. I was establishing my relationship with God. It was a wonderful thing. 

Then when I least expected it, a man entered my life. He was so nice and a good gentleman. He exhibited some signs of his life having God in it, but if I had of looked deeper, or just plan kept my eyes on God, I would have seen otherwise. 

Don't get me wrong, he believes in God, but there are so many people who say they believe in God but don't have a relationship with Him. But ask them and they will say He understands me. I am not one to argue with them on that point so I just leave it be.


Ok, so we started seeing each other. Spending alot of time together. We would have conversations about God and the things He had done in our lives. So subtly things were turning in another direction. Then one day, a line was crossed and that was that. (oh believe me, I was still going to church. We were even praying with the boys) But somewhere in there it changed. And to this day, I wish it hadn't. Don't get me wrong, I had some good times in there and eventually had my 3rd son, which I will never change for the world, but none of it was done the way God would have wanted it done. There are consequences to drifting. I had lost my connection to God. That was the worst thing in the world. 


Then of course, issues started creeping into my relationship with my boyfriend. I found out alot about him. He;'s very insecure, needs affection as a way of telling him that he's cared about.....just alot of things I definitely was not prepared for. 


All of which I would not have been through had I done things the right way. 


Spiritual drifting causes your spiritual ears to become deadened. Your heart hardens to the things of God. (Mine not completely because I would still say things I remembered from the bible to help my boyfriend out) . Eventually I avoided situations that might have reawaken my conscience and stirred my spirit to repentance. I didn't want to hear others say much about God.

Then one day you begin to gradually 'wake up'. I know my life is not complete without God and I know I need to get back to my relationship with Him. No way will it be easy. My sister and I discussed how we didn't want some of the things we knew a relationship with God would bring. (Trials and tribulations) But if you think about it, those trials and tribulations will only build your relationship with God (you definitely will depend on Him and talk and cry out to Him more) and build what He needs in you.

I had been reading devotionals and listening to Joyce Meyers, but the other day is when I actually, for the first time in a long time, picked up the bible and read it. Doing things on-line is cool, but it's a whole different story to have that bible, His words, in your hands.

Not living with my boyfriend will definitely help me in seeking my relationship with God. I also told my boyfriend that my priority was getting my relationship with God back, whether he was on board or not. I will not let him be hinder me. No way, no how.

Until next time!

Not today....

I am just not feeling it today. Feeling nothing at all.

Now that my boyfriend and I don't stay in the same household, I find myself sometimes enjoying this. Not that I don't care for him but sometimes it feels nice. What doesn't feel nice is knowing that I have to take care of the baby by myself.

But hey, I guess that comes with the territory. I have been thinking and since I have already come across depression, I feel like I am heading back into that territory. I want to be at home by myself. Just shut up from the world right now.

Don't have my weight down like I want, was told months ago I had a fibroid and have been on the mini pill, which my doctor told me would help, but at this point I don't know. I have been having my monthly since June 30. Really? Never had this happen before. But I also know that things change at my age. But when something doesn't feel right....

Stopped the job search...it was getting annoying. So many jobs out there, but I can not afford to have a cut in pay since I am the only one supporting my household of myself and 3 boys.

Still grateful for my life, my health, my job, my children, and their health but it's not as strong of a grateful as I would like.

Cling to something positive because I got a lot of negative on my mind. That's not what I need.

Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Yeah.....that's what I gotta do.

Until next time......

More thinking...

So yesterday, I was thinking about finding a new church home. I talked to God about it and wouldn't you know it, as I was shopping at the store, I ran into a current church member. Really? So I will be going back to my church home until otherwise directed.

So today's devotional got me thinking more. Today was about the source of our adversity. When we go through trials and tribulations we always wonder why God lets things happen. Sometimes we just don't understand especially when these things produce pain for us. Why would such a loving God allow these things to happen? There are some other sources of adversity.

1. A fallen world: When sin came into the world so did suffering. We look to God to protect us from the suffering by making us to not choose sin. But in doing so He would take away our free will, which would in turn take away our free will to love Him so why would He want to do that?

2.US: We get ourselves in trouble with the stupid decisions we make. If God stopped us from doing this, how would we ever learn from it?

3. Satanic attack: Of course this is inevitable. Satan wants to destroy us and doesn't want us to follow God. So naturally he will do everything he can to try to make us useless for the purposes God has for us.

What got me in this devotional was the statement that "the Lord is in charge of all adversity that comes our way". After reading that statement, my mind just flipped and I sent my boyfriend this " A devotional I read got me thinking....if u get a chance read Isaiah 45: 5-10...I was remembering that there was a man in the bible that God allowed satan to mess with....God's only stipulation to satan was to not touch a hair on the man's head....God ALLOWED satan.....that means He has power over satan too because satan did what He said! "

Then I said "when we go through things that are painful.....we are supposed to focus on God and His faithfulness....not on the pain....we are supposed to learn...in the end....why we went through what we went through....like what purpose did it serve? Did it strengthen me in a specific area? Can I see where I made my mistake?"

Isaiah 45:5-10

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ I am the Lord, and there is no other;
    apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
    though you have not acknowledged me,
⁶ so that from the rising of the sun
    to the place of its setting
people may know there is none besides me.
    I am the Lord, and there is no other.
⁷ I form the light and create darkness,
    I bring prosperity and create disaster;
    I, the Lord, do all these things.

⁸ “You heavens above, rain down my righteousness;
    let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
    let salvation spring up,
let righteousness flourish with it;
    I, the Lord, have created it.

⁹ “Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker,
    those who are nothing but potsherds
    among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
    ‘What are you making?’
Does your work say,
    ‘The potter has no hands’?
¹⁰ Woe to the one who says to a father,
    ‘What have you begotten?’
or to a mother,
    ‘What have you brought to birth?’

Man that is so powerful! He in control of it all! But I don't think He brings things to truly hurt us. We are human so that is a emotion we will feel. But if we concentrate on God, we will always understand that everything will be alright! 

I think some of our emotions are selfish. Why because in these situations we come across, we think of ourselves. Which is normal to do but somehow we have to learn to not do that. To not rely on our feelings, which can be deceiving.  Oh, I think I am rambling. But it's time for me to go now. 

Thank you Lord. You gave me an opportunity to be with You. If only for a short period of time, it was well worth it!

Until next time! Good night all!

 

Alot of thoughts

This heat has been ridiculous! Yesterday so much electrical stuff was on, it blew the fuse! Horrible. But it got fixed and I am so happy for that.

Anyway, over the past week I have been thinking about a lot of things. My boyfriend and I no longer share the same living space. Well, he technically wasn't supposed to be here, but somehow he was always here. Well we had an argument that resulted in me telling him to go. I couldn't handle some of the same things he was doing. His insecurity had hit my cut off point. So he is staying elsewhere. Which is good. We had a very long talk last weekend and we are going to be working on things NOT being in the same household. See we know that I had time to work on issues I had but he's never had time to work on his. So he will be working on his. This might be a long process but I don't care as long as he works on them issues. In the meantime, it makes it a little harder for me at home as now there are 3 kids I need to deal with. The little one is getting more "I don't want anyone but mommy" so it makes it a little harder to do what I need to do. He will take 3 hr naps during the day so by the time I get him, he will not go to sleep until 11:30pm and after.....then he wakes up at 4am for a feeding and goes right back to sleep...which then as soon as I can get back to sleep, my alarm clock then goes off at 6am. Talk about tired! (God please make a way for me)

So I was reading a devotional which I get everyday, from Charles Stanley. It was talking about a spiritual thirst.  As I read on, Charles asks isn't it interesting that we live in a society where most people feel dissatisfied? (Oh boy did I say yes to that!) In Christ we have everything we need yet the world tells us to seek after glory, wealth, and other empty dreams. (right!) Which only seems to gratify us for a short period of time. (Oh did he just hit it right on the nail!) I had been thinking, and had a previous conversation with my sister about this, why I am never content in the work (my job) that I do. The longest time I have spent at certain jobs is 5 yrs. Then I move on. There are some jobs where I had been there less that that. I didn't understand why I couldn't feel content. I mean I want to be at a job that I can retire from. But this does not seem to happen.

I have been praying to God and I understand so many things in my life need to change to be in His will and I am trying to change them. Not living with my boyfriend is a start on that front. Reading devotionals and things is fine but today what popped in my mind was "I need a church home" Funny thing is I have one, but I don't want to be there. Enter again this whole confusion thing about going to church on Saturday or Sunday. I hate this debate and I don't want it to hinder anything.

So as I continue to read Charles Stanley's devotional, it says "all of us have an emptiness within-a longing for something more. What are you attempting to use to satisfy it?"

Well I don't think I am using anything to satisfy my thirst because I know apparently nothing can fulfill it. So I pray that He will direct me in the right direction for everything. (church, job, etc) I am sick and tired of being 'empty'.

Love Addiction

So I am having an allergy/sinus day. Not all that good. I just put the baby down for a nap. Then something on the TV caught my eye. A show called Love Addiction. I have never heard of it or seen it before.

So I sit down and watch. Why this caught my eye, at the time I didn't know, but once the show was over, I knew why. There was a couple on there, Kia and Shane. They had been in a relationship for 1.5 yrs. The things that were being said about him and their situation, seemed familiar. Matter of fact, alot of what was on there seemed familiar. This guy was very insecure and jealous. Some of the things that came out of his mouth sounded like what my boyfriend would say. This guy was adopted and was biracial. His childhood seemed to define who he had become. He had a feeling of who would be there for him or would he be abandoned. So he clung to his girlfriend. He didn't have friends outside of his relationship with her. Or at least any that he hung around. And his constant thought was that some other man wanted his woman.

Wow.....my boyfriend was no adopted, nor was he biracial. He did grow up without his father being there and he was cheated on by alot of people. Hence, his insecurity. One thing that was said by Kia was that she had no control over what happened in his past. This is so true. I am not responsible for my boyfriend's past and it pains me at times to have to deal with the repercussion of it. This show has made me stop and think. Some things have changed in this relationship but there are still issues that occur that make no sense to me. I have told him I will not spend the rest of my life dealing with his issues. No one can solve his issues but him and it will take him to get tired of them and change. Not me. I can't do it. They are bigger than me and you know what, no matter how much a person says they love you, love will not make me stay and put up with issues for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I think, I don't want another young male without his father....single motherhood is no joke. The more kids you have, the harder being a single mother becomes. But when it all boils down to it if I have to, I will not allow my baby son to grow up with the same issues his dad has.

It's so interesting to hear my boyfriend say he's pretty much forgiven his dad for not being there. But he hasn't. I tell him, because he needs to hear the truth, if you forgave your father you wouldn't have so much animosity when you talk about him. Mothers who have sons without the father being there, really need to have a positive male influence be in their sons lives. There lies a huge problem. Where can you get a positive male role model who will take on that task and stay?

I will still be thinking for the rest of the day...

Until next time......

Not again!

Really....I'm tired of this part as well.

It has been a pretty decent day. Lounged around for a while. Very tired, plus I had a very painful headache last night and one around 6am this morning. It's time to go grocery shopping. I make my list, everything is OK. Mind you I haven't eaten all day and neither has my boyfriend and it is now almost 3pm. We are at the store and I see his attitude is a little off already. I pay no attention to it.

While we are down on of the aisles, he is standing towards the middle of the aisle so I tell him to scoot over a little because there was a woman wanting to get by and there was a cart that was behind him helping to block his way. I don't know what he think he heard but he decides to start fussing about it. Hold up man, I didn't blame you for being in the way I just suggested you scoot over a little and told you there was a cart blocking behind you as well. It was enough to make him become a belligerent idiot. And I am putting things so mildly.

He starts to try getting louder and telling me he said to hurry up. I am trying so hard to keep my composure because I can let alot of bad things fly out of my mouth, but I didn't. I did call him ignorant because that's exactly what he was being. You know what the problem was? He hadn't eaten all day and when he doesn't eat, he gets an attitude. This is the dumbest thing in the world. He has the capability to eat however he seems to wait until either someone else decides to cook something to eat or someone else decides to buy something to eat. Really? Are you serious? Are you telling me he was too lazy to get himself up and make himself some breakfast or something to eat and he'd rather wait all day, knowing he will get an attitude, and take it out on someone else? YES.

Somewhere earlier in our relationship, I began to feel like he always purposely waited until he was in my presence to eat. One thing he knows about me is I like to eat. However, don't wait all day when you are by yourself and capable of getting something to eat, and don't, and then expect me to get you something to eat when you are around me. Then what made matters worse to me was when we were apart, he would always want to know what I ate. Seriously.....everyday he would ask me what I ate. (whenever I was not with him). He gets off work at almost 2pm and I am still at work. I go to lunch sometimes between 1 and 2. He would call me and ask me what I ate for lunch. then he would ask me I got him anything. Excuse me????!??!?!

He works earlier than I do so he is capable of getting himself something to eat. Why would you eat what little you did during the day and then expect me to buy something for you on my lunch? And then try to say I wasn't thinking about you? Are you kidding me? Unfortunately, I am not kidding on this. I had to resort to stop getting myself alot of foods out and telling him to stop asking me what I eat. That's not conversation. I have never had someone so much into what I am eating everyday. I worked hard to get to where I am job wise and financial wise. It really is not my issue that he didn't work like that. But by no means does that mean I support him. And I am not sure where in the world he got the idea that just because I don't buy him food or a pair of house shoes, that means I don't think about him. I am capable of thinking about him without purchasing a dang on thing!  You can not be the head of a household if you expect the woman to be the breadwinner. And during this relationship, I have had to become blunt with him on these things. Sorry if it is a blow to his manhood, but I don't think a man should expect a woman to buy him a thing he can't seem to get on his own. Oh I am going off track again. (There are so many things that have come up in this relationship that it is not funny)

So now in the grocery store, we are no longer talking. We are not walking together. We got back to my house and he needs my truck to jump his car (this is like a regular thing for him. If he had a better paying job with more money, he would be able to get things taken care of. (But there is something wrong when you have to continuously try to get a man (?) to understand that he needs to step up his game in order to be a better provider) Yet again, another story.

So he took the baby and left to see his mother. I am sooo glad too. I didn't even want to be around him. I'm pretty sure he;ll get his mom to get him something to eat. She likes to cook so she always has something to eat. All this could have been avoided if had of just gotten his butt up and fixed himself something to eat. Really!

Until next time........SMH

Sorrow turned to joy....

I was getting pictures taken of my three sons today. I just started thinking about how my last little one came about.

I had gotten myself into a relationship that started off good but bad at the same time. It seemed like I get caught in this trap of a male coming off as if he is into God. Don't get me wrong, they believe in God but there is difference in believing and living your life for Him. Anyway, the guy I was dating would do things like pray before we ate and we would talk about God at times. Not as much as we should have when I look back. So many things you realize when you look back. (I thought about how he must have watched me for a minute. He knew I was into the bible because he would see me bring it to work and sometimes get into my car at lunch and read it) I wish I was as observant about others as they seem to be about me. But alot of times I don't have an agenda.

Anyway, we started dating and things were good. Unfortunately, a line got crossed and once it was crossed, it was hard to go back. Then the further we got, somethings started to surface. He was a jealous person. Which I found a little cute because I thought that meant he cared. (Man you can still have wrong thinking at an older age!) It ended up being that he was insecure. I ended up going through some stupid situations because of it and I was moving towards getting out of the relationship.

I went visit my stepmother and he was with me. He joked while we were out shopping about getting these baby shoes. I brushed it off because I knew that wasn't going to happen. We came back to Cleveland and during the week, my stepmother called me. She was talking about my boyfriend and then she asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed. I was like no!

I don't even know how long later but I took a home pregnancy test and all I could say was NO...NO...NO...NO. It was positive. I was in shock and disbelief. I had to go to the doctor. She confirmed it and told me congratulations. I just looked at her. I wanted to cry. I didn't want this. I didn't want this at all. This relationship was not going great and....I didn't want this. I remained in a bad state about it for a long time. What made it even worse was I had to go home and tell my other sons. As if I didn't already feel bad, shocked, and devastated, they made me feel worse. At least the oldest did. I think the younger on just followed him. The oldest kept asking me why and told me "I told you he shouldn't have come here" He made me feel lower than I already had felt. I was beating myself up and he helped me. I cried about it alot. I tried to hide it for as long as I could. (meaning it took me a while to tell anyone) How could I tell my family? How could I tell my Christian friends? How could I let my church know this?

I let myself down and felt I had let everyone else down as well. I let God down. This was not supposed to happen. I couldn't even go shopping for anything baby related. My cousin told me I needed to get it together. It was a long time before I could. A long time.

Then seeing that little blip of a heart beat on the monitor....oh wow. From that point on, everything about being pregnant marveled me. Not like I hadn't had 2 other kids but I was 39 going on 40 and it was a whole different experience. Never did I imagine that I would be having a baby at this age. I thought I was done at having just 2. What an experience. I had forgotten about the whole experience because it had been 13 yrs since my last child...

Well....I will have to continue tomorrow....I'm tired and need to go to bed.

Until next time......

Oh wow!

Well, this day starts out not so good. The electricity went off at 1am and took a while before it came back on. Boy was it hot! Bad timing for the substation to have problems. Once that was over, it took me a minute to get back to sleep. Man it always seems like the moment you fall asleep, the alarm clock is going off. And it was, so I had to get up. Now, my babysitter was on vacation. It was from May 19-28. I took this time off as well. So I texted her this morning to make sure she was up and ready for Christopher and she tells me she had taken an additional day off to rest up, don't I remember? Heck no!!! I went back to my phone and the text we previously had which stated, from her, that she was taking a week and a day. The 19th-28th. It was right there in the tsxt! I had asked her because I needed to schedule the time off. So now I am stuck. I have been calling my son's grandmother and can not get in touch with her. She is back up and she apparently turns her phone off at night! Wow. So I had to tell my job I was waiting on my back up babysitter. What a start to a day!

That's the one thing you need to watch out for when you have a baby. If you don't get the right babysitter, you will suffer. We have been looking for daycares and I found one and even put a $60 hold on it. However the problem lies in paying for it on a regular. I can not afford it by myself and the boyfriend doesn't make enough to help. I've told him since I was pregnant with my little one, get a better job. You need to help with more than just the rent. There is utilities, child expenses, rent, etc. And yes, I do have some animosity against him because he doesn't help out as much monetarily as is needed. It would be different if he wasn't capable of getting a btter job but he procrastinates soooo much it isn't funny.

Man, what happened? We were so happy in the beginning of our relationship. Then....boooom.....
We are different, as we are supposed to be, but have different backgrounds and beliefs, I think, as well.

He was raised by a single mom. I had both my parents, till they divorced, but then I had my dad and stepmom. He never had female platonic friends. He, being a young male, just wanted to sleep with whom he came in contact with. I have male friends. So when we met, having the opposite sex as a friend was nothing to me. Boy did I find out the hard way it was something to him. He hated it and slowly, my male friends got into the background. So much so that there is rarely any communication. All becasue of my boyfriend and his insecurities. That's part of the reason for the feeling of isolation. I don't have my friends to talk to anymore. My boyfriend never had a female friend. He was cheated on by his 1st baby's mother, by his ex-girlfriend, and his brother slept with one of his girlfriends while he was dating her! Talk about messed up!

While I understand what things like that can do to a person, it doesn't mean that you have to treat each relationship as if that person is doing wrong because of your past. And that, unfortunately, is what happened in our relationship. There have been so many verbal fights over his ridiculousness, it's a shame. Yes, I have animosity towards him for what he brought into the relationship. Goodness, that's a whole other post in itself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but many many times I feel like just giving up. It becomes annoying to defend yourself time after time for things you are not even doing. Like I stated before, I used to have so much privacy when I was single, now...forget it. I can't do anything without him wanting to know everything I am doing. It's a shame. Oh man, I don't even want to go into it right now. I wish he was more secure in himself and had other interests and hobbies. He has focused way too much on me in this whole relationship. Not good. Ok, I'm done for today, before I make myself feel really down in the dumps.  Tomorrow is a new day, right? (Oh man, I gotta get through today!)

Realization

My 3rd child's birthday is tomorrow. Wow....I never thought I would have any kids let alone 3 kids. I never had the patience for kids. I never wanted to get married nor have kids. Well, as I always say, God has an interesting sense of humor. I've been married once and now have 3 kids. Ha Ha...good one God!

Well, today I realized that I was not very happy with my life. I go to work and come home and that's it. I just had a week's vacation where I did absolutely nothing. Well I took care of my baby. Yes I did enjoy spending time with my little one. That was great. But other things prevented complete happiness and rest.

I am now in a place of solitude. I feel like most of it was brought on by my boyfriend and oddly enough, maintained by me....and him.

I would need a while to explain, which I eventually will. It's hot today, so by the time my boyfriend comes back with the baby, some of the family has mentioned it is too hot to cook. My boyfriend goes into this anger fit. Then as he usually does, he decides he needs some air and walks out the door. He must have had a problem with his dad or someone to come back with such a funky attitude. Or, he has an attitude because he's only eaten once today. Well to that I say, it is no one's fault but your own that you don't make sure you eat. (There's a story behind that as well).

So much negativity comes out of him for so many different reasons. No, I am not perfect but he doesn't realize how much negativity comes from him. Don't even try to tell him because all he will do is turn the conversation on to someone else or to something else someone does. He never wants to look at himself. He keeps telling me I don't know about me, but the thing is I've had a period in my life where I was by myself. Where I HAD to look at myself and no I did not like everything that I saw, but I moved closer to solving those things within myself than he has ever done. He's never been by himself. Matter of fact, he can't be by himself. If I leave the house without him, he has to leave and go somewhere. Why? Past issues....and only he can solve or attempt to confront his issues but he doesn't do it.

Anyway, I don't want to take up this whole time talking about him but he is a huge part of this.

Not happy. I am trying to grasp something happy. My children. Boy do they get on my nerves sometimes, but I love them. And the youngest one, the most innocent one, I can't help but smile about him. So I will start there. Thinking about his smile and the new things he will be learning. That's good.

Well, that is it for now. I do not have the privacy I used to have when I was single. And that, is another story.

Until next time.......