Just tired....

Just a small rant for today.

I just get so tired of my baby's father. Not being there when he should be. Always talking about how he will make things up or when he gets things together he will do this and that.

It's nothing but bull. When you're selfish, you do for you and don't really think about anyone else. I want to say so many things to him. Like did your dad ever make it up to you? Or one day you might not be able to make anything up. Something that will wake up this guy about taking better care of his children. Yes children.

He used to tell me that when his other son got older, he was not going to do this or that. Right now, he's going through it somewhat with his other son. His other son's mother constantly calls him about what "bad" things his son is doing. He will call his son and his son won't even answer his call. I mean there has to come a point in a person's life when it becomes more about others than it is about them. He is 37 and it is still not about others. Unless there is a benefit to him.

I hate the fact my son doens't have a true father around like he should. I can't always make up for him not being there. It pains me too. Because my baby doens't deserve that. No child derserves that.
I guess I need to write more to get things out that I keep inside. Instead of tearing myself up inside, I gotta let it out and let it go. It's not as easy as it sounds but it has to be done.

I tell you, sometimes it is hard to pray for people. I know it should be done, but sometimes it is very hard. My baby doesn't desevere this. No child deserves it. Then people wonder why there are so many people with issues in the world.

Until next time......

Need you now...

Wow....songs can really sometimes say exactly what you are feeling at the time. To listen to them sometimes, you can lose yourself in them. Just feel the words, the emotions that come with it. This one I heard was one I really felt. Felt to tears.....

Is it by  an artist named Plumb.....

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Until next time......

Amazing Grace....

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see......



Do I really see? Sometimes I feel like I am still blind....Like I am feeling around in the dark. Like the light is so far off....if I could just reach it, I will be ok.

Even better, if I could just focus on Him 24/7, I know I would be so much better...But this stupid world keeps getting in the way... When He comes back, it will be so much better. Things will be so much better...

Here's the rest of Amazing Grace:

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

Until next time......

The struggle is real.......

It is amazing how much I have to struggle to stay focused on the Lord. It's not that I don't want to, but this life here in this world tries so hard to invade when you decide to live your life for the Lord. I picked that picture because I pray that it is true.

I need to keep hope alive. Hope in love, peace, happiness.....all those things and probably more. I think I either read something or listened to a sermon that stated love was the root to the rest...

So does that mean if you don't have love, you don't get the rest? I had a nice weekend. I thanked God for a nice Mother's Day. People I didn't expect told me Happy Mother's Day. A person whom I had contacted on another holiday but didn't even respond, told me HMD. I said "I will not hold a grudge" and responded with a "thank you".

Saturday I talked to God and fussed some regarding my being alone. I don't like it. I would like to eventually be married, but I guess God knows that right now is not the time. As I was "talking/fussing", I ran into someone I dated over 20yrs ago. He is still interested...I am not. I think he will be good to go out places with at times, but other than that, like I told me sis in Christ, I don't want past! I want future! She asked if he was saved. This I don't know yet as I haven't had a conversation with him, but we shall see. I know more and more the type of guy I would like and if I look at the past guys, none of them fit that bill.

I talked to my father on Sunday as well. I asked where the men like him were because there seems to be none! (And probably the ones that are like him are married!) He said everything comes in due time. My dad has the words I need to hear at the time I need to hear them. Which leads me to thinking about patience. And something I read about it.  "Patience is not the ability to wait. It is how you act while you are waiting"..... I had to stop and think on that one. It had an impact on my mind.

So while I am "patiently" waiting for that person God has for me, I will continue to focus on God and on His fixing me to make me like Him. I have good days and I have bad days, but through all those days, I still have Jesus......That I am most thankful for.

Until next time............

I don't even have a title......

I had a nice weekend with my son's prom stuff going on. Family came over to my house and we sat and talked after things died down. It was nice to see family. I enjoyed myself.

Back on the alone thing. It has been bothering me more and more. To the extent I cry out to God about it. You make irrational decisions when you in a place you don't want to be. Things started going through my mind of what to do about my loneliness. And in the end, my heart just hurts. Enough to have me crying today. And it seems like I can't stop crying. Who wants to be at work crying? Definitely not me, but I can't stop it. I hurt...I hurt...I hurt......

I am at the point where I am thinking about staying home from work tomorrow, but actually what will that accomplish. It will make me feel even worse. The things I have been thinking, rationally might lead me down the wrong road, but right now, it seems like the thoughts themselves are tearing me up more than anything. Where I thought I was done, finished, past, I find that I am not. I am sick of the road... I am sick of being hurt, I am sick of happiness eluding me. It's not even fair. The fact that people have to hurt to heal is a bunch of crock to me right now. The fact that we even have to hurt is pissing me off.

I had some confidence on Sunday, but as the day went on, it left me. I was alone. All the boys were gone. I did a little shopping and that was it. The alone feeling came back. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO HURT. I AM TIRED OF BEING TIRED. I AM TIRED OF NOT BEING HAPPY. I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE HAPPY AND CONTENT AND IT NOT FINDING ME AND BEING WITH ME.

I can say I despise where I live. I can tell you somethings I am grateful for but the devil is telling me I have less grateful stuff than messed up stuff.

I am even tired of crying now....hurt and pain turning into anger. I am searching for you God so where are you? Better yet, I know You are always there but why can't I hear you? Maybe because the hurt is more overwhelming today.

I'm done...can't write anymore.......

Alone vs Lonely

Alone: having no one else present; no one's own.

Lonely: sad because no one has friends or company; without companions; solitary

Ok, so I am feeling one or both of these. Either one makes a person sad.  I am always with my kids. Especially the little one so I am majority of the time, not alone. Funny thing is I want the kids to come back when they do leave.

 I watched these videos of couples over the weekend. Yep, let me feeling like I want to be in a relationship. Not just any either. Not a boyfriend. But I understand marriage is a bit hard at times and wonder if I will get that someone who will be willing to go through it with me. NO not my ex-husband either. My exes don't seem to have enough strength for me. And yes the thought occurred why they were picked. Insecurity in myself was part of the reason.

But actually who wants to be alone? All around I see people getting married. Sharing their lives with someone special. I have special people in my life (my kids) but they grow older and eventually leave.  Then it will just be me. Why give me the desire? If it is not to be fulfilled just please take it away....

Personally, I don't want to feel either emotion.

I heard this yesterday and felt it was true to what I felt at one time or another:

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with

I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight

But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out

 

Though I'm silent, my heart is crying

‘Cause I was made to come to You

 

So I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

 

I failed to find the time, but You've been calling out

I let the days go by as if I could live without

But it's gotta be here now, I won't be pulled away

Cause it's just You and I, so let the world around us fade

 

As I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

I'm gonna pray

 

Father, I'm in a desperate place

Father, I know You can bear the weight

Father, Take me in Your arms as I speak Your name

I lift my hands and pray

I lift my hands and pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

And every single part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

I'm gonna pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

More than words, You want my life

Take it as an offering

 

Until next time............

What a difference a day makes....

Today is a calm day. Last night my prayer to God was "Thank You for getting me through today"...that was it. And as a result, He allowed me to have a peaceful night's sleep. I didn't want to get up this morning as I was sleeping so good.

I have been listening to audio bible the last couple of days and man oh man the bible can sound like a good ole novel! So many things went on in the bible. Things that I was amazed that God allowed to occur. Like the 2 daughters that slept with their father in order to continue their lineage. Or the man who had 2 wives and one was not loved as much as the other so God allowed her to have babies, but not the other. And because one couldn't get pregnant, she told her husband to sleep with the maid servant for a child and once the child was born stated God had heard her! Then the man that God instantly made deceased because he was pouring out his "man goods" so his wife wouldn't get pregnant. These stories are something else. But it makes very interesting reading (well listening as I am at work and cannot read at the time)

But it also produces questions as to why God allowed certain things to happen. Makes for some good conversation! Since I was listening to the bible the last couple of days, it allowed me to "want" to listen to music again. So nice.

So you will not get any complaints out of me today. Just thankfulness to God for giving me some peace! Thank you God!!!

Until next time......

Another day....

This morning starts out with a dream. Weird.... come back to that later. I am on my way to work. I see this car in front of me with the license plate that says "N V Mee"....my mind says 2 things. 1. Why??? and 2. This stupid narcissistic world!

I had a conversation with my sister yesterday. Well we email each other every day during work. That's our most communication as she lives in another state. I told her what I was going through and she advised some things to do, starting with letting people know that I wasn't in the mood to conversate. (instead of ignoring them). So when my aunt called, I let her know she did nothing but I was in a depression and didn't want to talk. Then she had to ask why and I told her I cannot pin point it. She said she was depressed when she lost her job and had no money. She said it probably would have been worse if she was caring for a younger one too. I said yeah, I push on because my little one needs me.

I have gone through life hiding my situations from my children. The younger they are, the less they see my messed up emotions. I went through a rougher depression with my 2 older boys when they were younger. I am not sure how I did that (well by the grace of God) but they didn't see alot of my sad emotions. Now that part I am really amazed at how it was kept from them. So now my youngest one, just doesn't get to see the sadness mommy goes through. Why do I do that? Because children are young and innocent and in my opinion do not need to be subjected to that type of emotion when they are little. Now that the 2 boys are older, they have seen emotions that they didn't before. But I still hide it from the youngest. Just me and what I do. Not saying it's right or wrong.

Ok, so the dream (bare with me...my writing is going to be as out of whack as my thoughts)  I was in the house of a guy. I don't what nationality he was. Chinese, Japanese...not sure. But he was good looking and he kissed me on the cheek as he left to go to school. He had a little brother or sister. I couldn't tell in the dream. They were just running around the house not doing much. I felt I was late for school myself. I looked out the window and there was this beautiful sculpture that encased the window. I admired it. Then as I was getting my stuff together, I started seeing all these spiders. I cannot tell you how much I hate spiders. Little ones, big ones. Gives me the shivers just thinking about them. I was trying to get away from them all. I didn't see myself with any type of spray to kill them but something was being sprayed on them and they did die. Some took alot more spray than others. I had someone's hand and was pulling them (protecting them)  from the spiders. The person was small like my son. So it could have been him. Then the guy's brother or sister tried to touch one of the big spiders that looked like it was dead. I pulled them away from it. Did I say how much I hate spiders?  I was very happy when I woke up from the dream.

I think the guy was in there because I had watched a movie the other day, G I Joe, and noticed how the one Ninja guy had a nice chest when his shirt was off. Kinda nice looking like the guy who played Bruce Lee in that movie. The spiders I think came from when I was dropping my oldest son off at his grandparents house and saw 2 spiders crawling and dangling from the house. Oh gross!!!
But having someone's hand (protecting) was most likely the stuff I am going through now where I feel I need to protect my baby boy. I am not sure about the other little boy or girl that was there.

Weird dream! Whatever. I listened to the audio bible yesterday almost the whole time I was at work. I heard somethings but not alot of it. As long something sinks in I should be good. I will do it again today as I do not want to be left to my own thoughts. I'd rather have nice, peaceful thoughts.

Oh yeah, one of the things my sister told me to do was talk to God from my heart. And stop trying to be nice in what I was saying. Tell Him the truth of how I feel about all.
One thing I told my sister was I have never been one to hurt others. Even when they have hurt me and I start the process of getting away from them, if my mind thinks any bit of my actions are in anyway hurting to them, I feel bad. Sometimes, I really hate having that. Because sometimes it prevents me from doing the things that need to be done. I guess at other times, it is a good thing to have, but sometimes it seems like the biggest pain for me to feel that.

Until next time......

It's official!!!!

It has been confirmed for me that depression has come. It is a little different than before but that’s what it is. At this point, I don’t care and I get angry very easily.

 

#1 point of anger, the baby’s father. Every part of me dislikes him to my core. It is so hard to get rid of. Why I have so much dislike for him, I am not sure. I do not wish any harm but I do wish he would just go away. I don’t want him around my son. Just the site of him makes me angry. So many things I want to say about him and know I shouldn’t.  I used to occasionally feel sorry for him but that is gone as well. I don’t even feel that. Ye I know none of this is Christian like but this period is a difficult one to be Christian like in.  This person has nothing but has the nerve to think I want his money. He doesn’t pay for ANYTHING for his son except daycare and is now questioning the fact that daycare allowed grace to be given in paying for my son to be there. The grace period is running out and this idiot wants paperwork and such to confirm that the daycare is requesting this. I gave him the daycare # to call on his own. My tongue is trying to lash out things that shouldn’t be said so occasionally I will have to pause to refrain. 

 

Along those lines, I am in the process of filing for child support. I believe it will be nothing, but I cannot deal with him even giving me the money for daycare as well. So I told him it is better for him to make his payment directly to daycare. (his answer…no problem!-GOOD) My despise for him is bordering on hatred and I will try to do whatever is necessary to not allow that to happen. The less I talk, text, or see him, the better.  I cried Sat. The baby and I were on our way to my dad’s house for an early Easter celebration. We went outside and the baby went running to the neighbor’s house. See there was a bunch of boys outside playing. The oldest son was there too. He is in his 20’s. The baby ran over wanting to be there and was waving hi to them. It broke my heart. Why? Because he has no positive male role model in his life. That’s what hit me the hardest. His father is a drunk who has no problem driving that way with his son in the car. Nor has a problem with dropping his kids with other people instead of being with them himself.  I also am trying to find out about custody. Just because I am considered the custodial parent doesn’t really mean I have custody…does it? Anyway I need to look into this.  The father does nothing for his son. He pays nothing (except one thing) regarding his son. He sees him once a week.  But lately I have been trying to prevent it period. I can’t prevent it from daycare unless I have a legal document telling them that. I should have done this long ago but I stupidly always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. No I am not trying to be one of those who refuse the father’s rights for just anger reasons. He is not fit and he puts my son in danger every time he drinks and then drives. So there is good reason.

 So I see myself this weekend. I don’t want to see people. I don’t want to answer certain calls. My aunt for one. She lost her job and I hadn’t talked to her lately. For a couple of weeks matter of fact and although I love her, I was ok with it.  Then she called. Wanted to know what was going on. Not much. Then she starts in on how I should get my baby tested. (He’s 2.5 yrs old and doesn’t talk like everyone feels he should. I believe he is choosing to do this.) Anyway, through the daycare, there is someone who will be coming in and assisting the daycare on tools to help my son talk. Hopefully it will help. He is a smart child but is very shy and just doesn’t seem to want to talk except to say either move, NO, his brother’s name, and now recently “ouch”.  Anyway my aunt says I should have told my son’s pediatrician that his father was on drugs….I was like I do not know that for a fact so I will not state something I don’t know… She just keep talking and all I could think was I shouldn’t have answered the phone.

My next door neighbor’s stove broke. So she needed to use mine. Which surprisingly, I said she could. She started the conversation telling me her $3000 stove broke down. To which my mind screamed “Who care how much you paid for that stove?” Why do people think that the amount they paid for something is supposed to be impressive? It’s not. Doesn’t make you better in anyway. So who cares??? Anyway, she invited me to come grab a plate. I never did. Didn’t care, didn’t want to.

 Plus I had eaten almost a whole Dairy Queen ice cream cake. And snacked on a lot of junk food this weekend too. Just not me. I watched movies too….as much as I could.

Just trying to block the world out as I pretty much despise it right now. I just want to be left alone and then sometimes I don’t.

 I don’t want to be in the place of being depressed. I have continued to read my devotionals and pray….(I guess not like I should but in this place it is very hard) but I am still trying what I can.

 I listed somethings I was thankful for this morning. So don’t think I am not thankful at all….But I am tired of being in this place. I push on, half-hearted. My baby boy needs me so I am there for him, but not there for myself. Well, my other sons need me to some extent too. I wish I could get it together…but I continue to do what I am supposed to do as a mother. Not with everything but with as much as I can muster. Ok, now I have to get to work….

 

Until next time……………

Not giving up.....

 
Last weekend was tough. It took a toll on me and had tiny thoughts of "no hope" running across my mind.

For starters, when my baby's dad dropped him off Friday, I could tell something was off about him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had seen this same off-ness elsewhere. My baby came right to me, almost like he was relieved to be home. He turned and immediately started waving bye to his father. About 10 min later, I called his father to ask him when the last time the baby ate. I couldn't get a straight answer out of him. Then I asked "have you been drinking?" To which he replied "yes".  Horrible. This guy had a bad battle with alcohol when years ago and I don't know when he started back but he's at it again. I really don't want my son around that. And to know that he drove my son home with alcohol in his system, enough for me to smell it, was even worse. Minor but effecting was the fact the baby's pull up was on backwards and he came home with a unsightly rash on his bottom. He didn't have one when we left that morning. So either daycare or his dad, left him in a pull up too long. My son has extremely sensitive skin. So that hit hard and I prayed and spoke with God on what to do about it. I have not heard Him as I may be worrying about it way too much. Saturday came and I would not transport my son back and forth to his father. Partly because of what was revealed Friday and partly because it is not my responsibility to get him back and forth to see his father.

I had bad dreams this past weekend as well. No doubt due to all things going on. My relationship is rocky with my sister as we do not see eye to eye on a situation she is involved with. I am seeing a side of her that I am not familiar with . I try to look at all sides of her situation and she just looks at her side. I can't say that she is even thinking or following God on this one and all I can do and actually do is pray. I can't speak to her on the subject any longer as it causes strife between us. So much so that I asked her a question on Sat and go a 2 word response. I told her ok, thanks, and she didn't even respond. I will let her be. Nothing I can do. But I can not believe how it doesn't seem she is taking all parties feelings into consideration and it seems she is being judgemental. We have all made mistakes and bad choices in our lives, nothing gives her or anyone the right to judge another person.

I am not even going there about my ex-husband. I am just tired. No momentary break from the baby this weekend either and I really needed one.

I kept reading my bible and my devotionals but at the same time, I think I severely stressed myself out about the situations as I ended up with a headache that still hasn't gone away. Insert the mild thoughts of giving up that are trying to run through my mind. I am tired and exhausted. I keep thinking I am doing what I am supposed to do, following God, but not feeling the joy and happiness that I should.
And even sometimes doubting if I am following Him because of the things going on and the feelings I feel. But I know feelings are fickle and cannot be trusted. Just to know I am on the right path is good enough for me.

Matthew 11:28-30

 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Galatians 6:9

 9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.


Am I doing well Lord? Am I doing well?

Until next time.......

Forgiveness......

Well the Lord has been dealing with me on the forgiveness lately. I sometimes have such animosity against my youngest son's father. He doesn't know it but I get so mad at him for the things he doesn't do as a father. The things I feel he is supposed to do. Really, he has 2 other children and you would think that he has learned something by now.

OK, regardless of that, like I stated, I have been dealing with forgiveness. It is a very hard thing to do for a lot of people. Not just me. A lot of people feel they are 'owed' something for the things they went through. The things they had to endure. Payback is sometimes on people's mind. Fortunately, I have never been a "pay back" type of person, but I have stewed over wrong doing that ultimately made my health go down hill. Yes, when you keep things inside, they end up damaging you more than you think. Ulcers or headaches...to name a few. Mine resulted in having really bad tension headaches. Those are not fun at all!

Anyway, I ended up having a dream about my baby's father. He and I where in a house. His girlfriend was there too. She would not stop talking. Throughout the whole dream she kept talking! Anyway, I was packing and I told my baby's father that the only thing that concerned me was my baby. The baby's father started flirting with his girlfriend, then he turned to me and was talking to me. The dream ended with me writing in a journal. What I wrote was very impactful to me. I wrote "He couldn't love me properly because he had never been loved properly".....Then I woke up. Of all the things I think about to say to him and all the anger I have towards him, and the things I say about him (how he's a sorry father, etc), that made me wake up and say "wow". I couldn't stop thinking about it.

So sometime while driving on my way to work, I said I have to forgive him. A lot of people hurt and damage others because of whatever was done to them. No it is not an excuse for them to hurt or damage but it's an understanding I was given. Does it make it any easier to forgive someone? No. Just being honest. But guess what? Take a look at all the things we have done to our Heavenly Father and the fact that He forgives us. He takes us back when we have strayed. He forgives us when we fuss at Him when we are mad. Whatever happens, HE FORGIVES US.  When He was up there on that cross He said, Luke 23:34 "Then Jesus said, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots."

All they did to Him and all He endured and He still asked His Father to forgive them. How powerful is that? Why can't we do that? It's not in us to do that. But with the Holy Spirit as our guide, we can do it.

I called my son's father and I told him about the dream. I stressed the part about him not loving me properly because he wasn't loved properly. And then I told him, I forgive you. For all that occurred.
I told him that we are incapable of truly loving someone if we have past hurts and pains that we haven't been healed from or dealt with. Unfortunately he still has those things. It is not for me to force him to get healing or deal with his issues. It is for me to show him Christ in me.

Of course part of it he took the wrong way. None of it meant I wanted to be with him. Nor that I dreamt about him in any specific way other than that I needed to forgive him to move forward in my life. Regardless of what he thinks, God gave me the strength to forgive him and with that, I will move forward in my life. No more bad mouthing him. I just do what needs to be done for my loving baby because he is a gift from God and deserves the best I can give him.

God is sooooo good to me! Even when I don't deserve it. Makes me teary eyed to think about it.

Thank you Jesus is all I can say! Thank you!!!!

Until next time......

One day at a time....

As I am writing to my sister, she mentions taking it one day at a time....to worry about tomorrow when it gets here and not a moment sooner. Well, that sparked another song from the back of my memory.....Thank you Jesus....

 

 

 

 

I'm only human, I'm just a woman.

Help me believe in what I could be

And all that I am.

Show me the stairway, I have to climb.

Lord for my sake, teach me to take

One day at a time.

 

Chorus:

One day at a time sweet Jesus

That's all I'm asking from you.

Just give me the strength

To do every day what I have to do.

Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus

And tomorrow may never be mine.

Lord help me today, show me the way

One day at a time.

 

Do you remember when you walked among men?

Well Jesus you know if you're looking below

It's worse now, than then.

Cheating and stealing, violence and crime

So for my sake, teach me to take

One day at a time.

Until next time......."One day at a time" :-)

Do you know why????

 
I was listening to a sermon this morning which touched home for me. The preacher said the reason we battle depression and self-worthlessness, and low self-esteem is because we don't know how to protect ourselves. And the enemy knows what buttons to push to get us going.  Ephesians 6:12  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

We are not to let trouble throw us off track or knock us down. We are to put on protective gear to minimize attacks. We do this everyday to do battle in this realm!

We are to 1 Timothy 6:12 "Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

Yes, I talked about this in another blog so why did I feel the way I did this weekend? I am reading the word, but I guess I am not putting on my protective gear the way I should be. I am allowing the enemy to get a foothold. It's not for very long though. I think some things need to change in my life so that the enemy's foothold ceases immediately. 1st of all I need a church. Yeah I know, not having a church home doesn't help me at all. But it is difficult finding the right one. The non-denominational, bible-teaching church that glorifies God and not the preacher. One that is not into using secular things to bring in more people. One that doesn't compromise God's word for their benefit. One that tells the truth and gets a person on the right path. There are so many churches out there. And since I have been listening to a particular person, I have become more selective. If only I could move to where this preacher is...But I cannot. So I have to pray for God's direction. I need fellowship. We all need fellowship. But right now, I am lacking big time on that front. I am not sure if I should go to my former church in the meantime, but I have dreamt twice about my former pastor. That church was lacking for me, which is why I stopped going. They had 'clicks', where you couldn't even get to join the choir if they didn't want you to. Then they would have man visiting pastors. No particularly noticed if you were gone. It just didn't feel like a church family. The other church I found was perfect! It was non-denominational and bible-teaching to the point that made it very understandable and I was excited to go. However, it is too far. So I continue to pray and ask God to direct me.

There is power in the Word. Hey wasn't that a song. There is power, power wonder working power.....wait let me look it up....it's too far back in my memory to retrieve.

I found it. It is a song. Wow I can't believe that was brought to the forefront of my memory. Well there is a reason why...there is always a reason:

There Is Power In The Blood"

 Would you be free from the burden of sin?

 There's power in the blood, power in the blood

 Would you o'er evil a victory win?

 There's wonderful power in the blood

 

There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the blood of the Lamb

 There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the precious blood of the Lamb

 

Would you be free from your passion and pride

 There’s power in the blood, power in the blood

 Come for a cleansing to Calvary’s tide

 There's wonderful power in the blood

 

There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the blood of the Lamb

 There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the precious blood of the Lamb

 

Would you be whiter,

much whiter than snow?

 There's power in the blood, power in the blood

 Sin stains are lost in its life-giving flow

 There's wonderful power in the blood

 

There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the blood of the Lamb

 There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the precious blood of the Lamb

 

There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the blood of the Lamb

 There is power, power, wonder-working power

 In the precious blood of the Lamb

 Until next time.......

Let me put on my armor!

So I am talking to someone about their situation today. Things were not going well with this person and in this particular situation, I let them know that what was going on would happen again. I advised them to pray to God for a hedge of protection which made me think of a bible verse. So I looked up the bible verse so that I could properly give the Word.


Ephesians 6:10-18
The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Then as I was reading what I sent to this person, as the words started sinking in, I just stopped and sat there. While I am busy telling someone else about putting on the full Armor of God.....I need to be doing this as well. Situations arise and they always will, but if we prepare ourselves by putting on the full Armor of God everyday, we are better able to get through these situations. As long as we are in this world, we will have trials and tribulations. But having God in your life as you go through life, makes things so much better. I have noticed that I can react to certain situations with such an amazing calmness and I know, it is all thanks to my loving Father. Sometimes I cannot express the way I feel knowing that I have God in my life. Life doesn't always get easier but it becomes different, in a good way. Why would I want to go through life without my Heavenly Father? People just don't know nor understand what that feels like. But it is my duty to let them know. (Yes God, I am working on that one!) LOL....

I have had a wonderful day in the Lord today and I am so thankful for His mercy and grace which is new everyday. I am thankful for the things He has done or will do. I am thankful for the good times and the bad times. The bad times help us grow. Heck, I am just one thankful sister!

Thank you Lord, for being the head of my life, and may I always continue to keep You there for the rest of my life!

Until next time......

More healing to come....

I wake up, not knowing what time it is and hear this in my head....."You say, come to the river
Oh, and lay yourself down and let your heart be found
You say come to the river
Drink from the cup I pour and thirst no more..."

This is a song that I have heard before and it is Christian song. This is what God is saying.... Why am I up? Silly girl, why did you have to ask that question? And then the moment comes....



 Please Lord, don't allow me to become bitter! My thoughts go to my last relationship. Why? I don't know. This guy was everything the opposite of a real man. He wanted a family but did not know the 1st thing about handling one. Maybe the things came up because of of what happened over the weekend? I don't know. I suffered in that relationship. I think worse than any other relationship I had ever been in. I have 2 other older boys from my 1st marriage and in the end, I realized he never really cared about my boys. To sit and think and even say that my middle son kept trying to inappropriately touch me at times was beyond something I could even fathom. My middle son was affectionate at times but to honestly convince yourself that you see things you didn't see, was damaging. To sit there and say that you didn't trust my oldest boys to watch their youngest brother was another slap in the face. If anything, I trusted my boys more that I trusted him or his mother. But to act like he cared about them and in the end deliberately degrade them to his mother , heart wrenching.  

This guy would always watch MY money. Granted he didn't have as much as I did but that never meant for you to watch my money and not attempting to even contribute once you were in my household. I went through alot of financial burdens when my last son was born. Once the lights got cut off. This guy didn't even offer to assist in getting them back on. But he did offer to sit in the dark with us. Really? I understand my feelings toward him changed but that was due to me seeing a person who wanted a mother figure and not a girlfriend.

Then to watch as he commanded his mother to no longer watch our son, I had no more words to speak. Your anger lashes out to doing that not just to hurt me but to your own son! There seemed to be no end to his destruction of others.

I heard a statement "hurt people, hurt people."  This guy had a bad past, with relationships. And always said he didn't trust anyone. The more I got to know him, the less appealing he was for a relationship. Or even marriage! Not that I considered that an option. But he never dealt with any of his past issues and everything come into our relationship. Well, I should have kept my eyes on God.

A good majority of the time, I feel like I have healed from that relationship, but then things like this remind me that I am not completely healed. Which sucks because I really would like to be done with it. But apparently I still have some more healing to do.

I just kept talking to God. All men cannot be like him. There has to be good, Godly men in this world. Not only please show me them, but point me towards those who are like minded in their walk as well. Fellowship is something I desperately need.

These old guys keep coming out of the woodwork. For whatever reason. And I don't want any of them. Not even my ex-husband. He is kind and he and his family have embraced my youngest son even though he is not part of their family. I appreciate the things that my ex-husband and his family do for my youngest son, but my ex-husband and I are not compatible either. 1st of all, he has a girlfriend he was living with. (They are mid houses, right now). 2nd, I don't take well to people who talk behind their current mate's backs. Even if it is my ex-husband.  Ugghhhh.....past GO AWAY!!!!

Let me be, let me heal, let me move on. Let me focus on God.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

I give this all to you Lord....take it from me. Heal me, teach me....what needs to be done?

Until next time........

 

And this too shall pass.....

I have had a tough weekend. I had a sinus infection before and the medicine that was prescribed didn't work well, so I called the doctor's office to get another prescription. Friday night, I picked up the prescription, went home, ate dinner, and took my medicine. After not even a 1/2 hour, my stomach began to feel uneasy. I thought maybe it was the food I had eaten. I proceeded to really get sick. This sickness continued to Saturday. I was bound to the bed Saturday. So sick. I had called the doctor's office and was told not to take anymore of the medicine and keep myself hydrated and to only take Tylenol as Ibuprofen would make me worse. It was terrible. After that ordeal, I think I will be looking up natural remedies for a sinus infection.

Well on the heals of being sick, I started feeling so down. The enemy knows when to get at you. I started feeling dislike for my youngest son's father. He does not keep diapers for my son at home but instead takes them from daycare. (just found this out) He doesn't seem to think about the care of my son, I guess the way I would or a normal parent would. I am not a smoker and he brings my son home reeking of smoke. And he brought him home with dried food all around his mouth. It takes seconds to wipe a child's mouth! Now instead of buying diapers, he will add $5 to my son's daycare money as "his half" for diapers. He is sorry!

I woke up Sunday feeling so down. My mind goes to the fact that I know his dad is seeing someone else, that's not what bothers me, but.....being transparent....what bothers me is that I am looked at like I can't get someone in my life. Even though right now I am choosing not to engage in any type of relationship, there are days I wish I had a together family. Mom, dad, and kids. But I don't want him to think, or anyone for that matter, that I am not capable of getting anyone. It's just that I no longer wish to get whatever. I wish to wait to get what God has in store for me. The person He has chosen for me. I spent a great deal of my life choosing the wrong people.And I reap the consequences of it. I regret my last relationship, although I do not regret my son. He is a gift from God.

So I pray to God to help me to continue to forgive as He has forgiven me. I pray that the feelings that keep surfacing will diminish, that I do not become bitter.

Then I came upon the words above. I started to cry. God is there for me. Always. I needed Him more this weekend. I still do my devotionals and posting. Keeping my focus on God is the key. I have got to keep my focus on Him. Feelings are fickle. And they were made worse by me being sick. God is my everything. I do not want to settle in order to have just anyone. I won't settle. I will keep pressing in and on in God. This too shall pass!!!!

Until next time.....

It's not the Midas touch!!!

Boy oh boy... When you keep your focus on Jesus, you really know when you are around, talk to, or associate with the wrong people! I shut myself down this weekend, because of yucky people. Not to God though. I still stayed open to Him. That’s the only way I was going to survive.

 

My youngest son’s father still insists upon lying and trying to cause disruption in my life. I keep telling my sister, keep focusing on God and He will keep your eyes open to those who shouldn’t be in your life. That is so so true. My youngest son’s father approaches me by trying to touch me. First of all, don’t touch me! That’s a disrespectful way to approach a woman. Then he tries to say that I have to have ‘emotions’ because everyone has them. By ‘emotions’ he means, I have to want to have sex with someone. I started to tell him that keeping your focus on Jesus helps, but I would have wasted my breath. He asks “why would God give us these feelings if He didn’t want us to use them?”  I said “because it is to be used in the correct situation. He does not give them to us to sleep with this person and that person. They are to be used with the person He chooses for us to be with.”  With that he proceeds to tell me that God understands what we do and forgives us. I simply looked at him and told him “You don’t know God”.  Because he doesn’t. Nor does he even seem like he is interested in knowing Him.

He wants to try to pick my brain he says because I said physical is not a way to approach me. Not going to happen!

 

It’s a lost cause for him and he doesn’t even know it. We have been apart for about a year and there has been no change in him whatsoever. Me, on the other hand, I have changed, by getting into a more personal relationship with God. This guy has nothing to offer. (He states that’s why he’s not in a relationship because he is a physical person. What kind of nonsense is that?) However, I refuse to have a Godly conversation with him because he really doesn’t care and I don’t want to waste my breath. (Is it bad to be like that?) He has nothing to offer. He states he is looking for an independent woman. But why look to get one when you’re not even independent yourself? All I can do is pray for him and pray that God keeps my eyes open to his untrusting ways. People can change; they just need God in their lives to help them. But sadly a lot of people don’t want to change or don’t know how so they stay the same.

 

Then there is my aunt. This woman can curse up a storm. I can’t take it. She is severely negative and mistrusting of everyone. She believes she knows everyone’s motive behind everything. My youngest son’s father brought him to me without his long sleeve shirt on, just his coat and T-shirt.  My aunt swore up and down that he went over some woman’s house and this woman deliberately took my son’s long sleeve shirt just to prove she was in my son’s father’s life. What?!??!??!!? Are you kidding me? I remained calm and told her I would wait to see what the daycare says. Sure enough, the shirt was at daycare. My son’s dad didn’t pay attention to anything regarding my son’s cubby hole and just out his coat on, with this short sleeve shirt, and took him outside. It was almost 0 degrees that day. Frustration to the highest from him and her.

 

I can’t remain talking to her. For various reasons. I had resolved that the next time she called, I would tell her to stop cursing when talking to me or we would have limited conversations. But I don’t think that will do. I think communication will have to be cut off completely for now. She is way too negative and has too many past issues. They leap on me like bugs and make me feel so yucky! I don’t like feeling like that. And no one can change her but God. But I can’t let her pull me down. Just like I won’t let my youngest son’s father think he will get me into a physical relationship (or any relationship for that matter!)

 

They both were enough for me this past weekend…..I just disconnected.

 

But God…..if it wasn’t for HIM, oh my….I would be off! During my daily reading, it was brought to my attention to read Titus. I had heard something in one of the sermons I listened to during the week, and apparently there was something in there I needed. So I read it.

 

Yes, I needed to read it. Mainly from Titus 1:10-16 but more specifically v15:16(Yes…yes!!)

 

Titus 1:10-16

Rebuking Those Who Fail to Do Good

¹⁰ For there are many rebellious people, full of meaningless talk and deception, especially those of the circumcision group. ¹¹ They must be silenced, because they are disrupting whole households by teaching things they ought not to teach—and that for the sake of dishonest gain. ¹² One of Crete’s own prophets has said it: “Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons.” ¹³ This saying is true. Therefore rebuke them sharply, so that they will be sound in the faith ¹⁴ and will pay no attention to Jewish myths or to the merely human commands of those who reject the truth. ¹⁵ To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. ¹⁶ They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.

God is so good isn’t HE??? Yes He is!

 

I love my auntie, but it will have to be from afar. My son’s father? I love him with the Love of Jesus….But there is still much prayer that I need to do involving him.  I am also praying that there is true forgiveness that I have for him and not me just thinking it is. But then again, God will let me know. I just have to keep my focus on HIM.  You can’t go wrong when doing that!

 

Until next time......God Bless!