God is that you?
Been gone too long from His presence. It sucks. When you get around someone who pulls you in the opposite direction. I was the one who was moving in the right direction. Thinking I could influence the other to walk that way. But instead, I was lead in a different direction. It wasn't suddenly. It was slowly but surely. And when I realized it, it was too late to turn. I was already in.
But I finally got to a point, where I knew deep in my heart, that it wasn't right. It wasn't what God had intended for me. I put myself in this...not God. And now I was coming to the point where I wanted out. I wasn't getting the love and respect I deserved. I wasn't getting what I wanted in a relationship. I was unhappy. That unhappiness spread. To my job....my life in general.
I had my last argument with my boyfriend weeks ago. I called it quits. The previous week at counseling my mind was made up that this was not anything that I wanted or deserved as I sat there and listened to him blame EVERYTHING on me. See he had a very bad habit of not taking responsibility for any wrong doing. Any! He would never change or try the things the counselor said to try because he felt he already knew the outcome. He felt like I didn't know much of anything yet ALWAYS asked me EVERYTHING as if I did. I was tired. Just plain tired of it all. This is not what I wanted. This is not what I deserved. And I told the counselor, in front of my boyfriend, that I it's not that he didn't deserve me, it's that I deserved better than this. And I meant it. Whoa! I finally let that out!
The next week, he started an argument and it ended with us splitting. I felt a relief. I felt bad for our son, but I felt so much relief. No more jealousy, no more enviousness at odd things, no more having to try and explain what a bonded family does.... Just no more. And one night I cried. Not because I was sad at the break up, but because I was mad at myself for letting things go for so long. My fear of leaving wasn't tied to me being alone. It was tied to what would happen for my little guy? Would he be there for him as a father should? See I had already experienced him missing out of our son's life previously. And I know for sure when another female comes into play, my son wouldn't be his priority.
I worried for nothing. Our son was sad that night but was fine after that. Because he has his mother. He's always had his mother. I have been there ever since he was born and has never once left his side. Can't say the same for his father.
However, his father is still around. But not just for his son. See he alienated himself from people period during our relationship (even though I highly encouraged him to get some new friends...his old friends were still into drinking and drugging and not moving forward in life). But he didn't go anywhere to even make new friends. He made me and our son his world. So now that he was gone out of the house, there was no one there. He moved into his dad's place. But still, there was no one else there since he made us his whole world.
I am not getting the freedom I desired this whole time. I still have to put him in his place when he wants to know who is calling my phone or why I didn't answer my phone when he called, etc.
So in the meantime, I have been crying out to God. I have been reading and praying. Not praying like I used to because I feel I am just starting all over again. I feel lost. I lost a bad relationship, I lost my mom in November 2018, I do not belong at the job I am currently employed at......I JUST FEEL SO LOST. So I continue to cry out to God. God can you hear me? Can you help me? Tell me where I am to go? Tell me where I belong? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
So the last night, I woke up in the middle of the night. I started praying to God again. Where do I belong? God speak to me like a babe as I lost the relationship I had with You and I want to be able to hear Your voice and not mistake it for my own or the devil's.
I fell asleep in the midst of praying. I often do....and I really need to change that. I don't do it on purpose.
So I dreamed. The Adventist church was have changes being made to it. So I went in to see what type of changes they were making. I thought I would see an uncle preach, but I came upon someone. And I just stared at him in awe. I was speechless. I was amazed. He turned to me and said in a soft, calm voice "Yeah it's me". I was stunned. I took a picture of him. Then I wanted to get a picture with him so I changed my clothes and I was putting on a different pair of earrings when I woke up.
Well the weird thing was the person I was as the artist Prince. Well he died 4/21/2016. I had so many questions. I was baffled. Why Prince? I kept thinking about it throughout the day.
What sticks out to me the most now, is the soft and calm way he said "yeah, it's me".
I will continue crying out to God. My life needs Him...my life needs direction and He is the only one who can give it to me. I tried. Again and again I tried. I keep failing miserably. When will I learn? I don't want to keep failing. I don't want to not know where I belong. I don't want to not know what I am supposed to be doing because this job that I am at.....I know I don't belong here. Just like I knew finally, that I didn't belong in that relationship.
Lord, please keep trying to get through to me. In any way You can. In the simplest way so I know it is You. Direct my steps.... Help me surrender to You.
I can't do it by myself or in my own strength.
