Oh wow!

Well, this day starts out not so good. The electricity went off at 1am and took a while before it came back on. Boy was it hot! Bad timing for the substation to have problems. Once that was over, it took me a minute to get back to sleep. Man it always seems like the moment you fall asleep, the alarm clock is going off. And it was, so I had to get up. Now, my babysitter was on vacation. It was from May 19-28. I took this time off as well. So I texted her this morning to make sure she was up and ready for Christopher and she tells me she had taken an additional day off to rest up, don't I remember? Heck no!!! I went back to my phone and the text we previously had which stated, from her, that she was taking a week and a day. The 19th-28th. It was right there in the tsxt! I had asked her because I needed to schedule the time off. So now I am stuck. I have been calling my son's grandmother and can not get in touch with her. She is back up and she apparently turns her phone off at night! Wow. So I had to tell my job I was waiting on my back up babysitter. What a start to a day!

That's the one thing you need to watch out for when you have a baby. If you don't get the right babysitter, you will suffer. We have been looking for daycares and I found one and even put a $60 hold on it. However the problem lies in paying for it on a regular. I can not afford it by myself and the boyfriend doesn't make enough to help. I've told him since I was pregnant with my little one, get a better job. You need to help with more than just the rent. There is utilities, child expenses, rent, etc. And yes, I do have some animosity against him because he doesn't help out as much monetarily as is needed. It would be different if he wasn't capable of getting a btter job but he procrastinates soooo much it isn't funny.

Man, what happened? We were so happy in the beginning of our relationship. Then....boooom.....
We are different, as we are supposed to be, but have different backgrounds and beliefs, I think, as well.

He was raised by a single mom. I had both my parents, till they divorced, but then I had my dad and stepmom. He never had female platonic friends. He, being a young male, just wanted to sleep with whom he came in contact with. I have male friends. So when we met, having the opposite sex as a friend was nothing to me. Boy did I find out the hard way it was something to him. He hated it and slowly, my male friends got into the background. So much so that there is rarely any communication. All becasue of my boyfriend and his insecurities. That's part of the reason for the feeling of isolation. I don't have my friends to talk to anymore. My boyfriend never had a female friend. He was cheated on by his 1st baby's mother, by his ex-girlfriend, and his brother slept with one of his girlfriends while he was dating her! Talk about messed up!

While I understand what things like that can do to a person, it doesn't mean that you have to treat each relationship as if that person is doing wrong because of your past. And that, unfortunately, is what happened in our relationship. There have been so many verbal fights over his ridiculousness, it's a shame. Yes, I have animosity towards him for what he brought into the relationship. Goodness, that's a whole other post in itself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but many many times I feel like just giving up. It becomes annoying to defend yourself time after time for things you are not even doing. Like I stated before, I used to have so much privacy when I was single, now...forget it. I can't do anything without him wanting to know everything I am doing. It's a shame. Oh man, I don't even want to go into it right now. I wish he was more secure in himself and had other interests and hobbies. He has focused way too much on me in this whole relationship. Not good. Ok, I'm done for today, before I make myself feel really down in the dumps.  Tomorrow is a new day, right? (Oh man, I gotta get through today!)

Realization

My 3rd child's birthday is tomorrow. Wow....I never thought I would have any kids let alone 3 kids. I never had the patience for kids. I never wanted to get married nor have kids. Well, as I always say, God has an interesting sense of humor. I've been married once and now have 3 kids. Ha Ha...good one God!

Well, today I realized that I was not very happy with my life. I go to work and come home and that's it. I just had a week's vacation where I did absolutely nothing. Well I took care of my baby. Yes I did enjoy spending time with my little one. That was great. But other things prevented complete happiness and rest.

I am now in a place of solitude. I feel like most of it was brought on by my boyfriend and oddly enough, maintained by me....and him.

I would need a while to explain, which I eventually will. It's hot today, so by the time my boyfriend comes back with the baby, some of the family has mentioned it is too hot to cook. My boyfriend goes into this anger fit. Then as he usually does, he decides he needs some air and walks out the door. He must have had a problem with his dad or someone to come back with such a funky attitude. Or, he has an attitude because he's only eaten once today. Well to that I say, it is no one's fault but your own that you don't make sure you eat. (There's a story behind that as well).

So much negativity comes out of him for so many different reasons. No, I am not perfect but he doesn't realize how much negativity comes from him. Don't even try to tell him because all he will do is turn the conversation on to someone else or to something else someone does. He never wants to look at himself. He keeps telling me I don't know about me, but the thing is I've had a period in my life where I was by myself. Where I HAD to look at myself and no I did not like everything that I saw, but I moved closer to solving those things within myself than he has ever done. He's never been by himself. Matter of fact, he can't be by himself. If I leave the house without him, he has to leave and go somewhere. Why? Past issues....and only he can solve or attempt to confront his issues but he doesn't do it.

Anyway, I don't want to take up this whole time talking about him but he is a huge part of this.

Not happy. I am trying to grasp something happy. My children. Boy do they get on my nerves sometimes, but I love them. And the youngest one, the most innocent one, I can't help but smile about him. So I will start there. Thinking about his smile and the new things he will be learning. That's good.

Well, that is it for now. I do not have the privacy I used to have when I was single. And that, is another story.

Until next time.......