Today has been a day to say the least. First I woke up late. Someone touched my alarm clock and it messed up the volume. I woke up at 7:05am. Should have been up an hour ago. But it was ok. I didn't flip out on that.
Got to work and well today was another boring day. Not much to do but I had to be there. I like when it is busy because it keeps me busy and not bored. I despise being bored.
Financial issues are surfacing. Just keep praying on that. Then I find out that my landlord is trying to charge me for sewer at a time I wasn't even living in my house! Are you serious! I am not paying that. He will have to adjust it just like he did the water bill. My car insurance went up because the house/car discount came off. Seriously! Blah, blah, blah! I could go on and on but I won't.
I'd rather turn to what I was listening to with Joyce Meyers today. It is week 1 of Guarding your heart. She touched on 2 hearts. 1. The presumptuous heart-telling everybody what's wrong with them but not yourself. (Psalms 19:12-14) and 2. The hypocritical/judgemental heart- tells everyone what to do but doesn't do anything. (Matt 23:1-3 and 4-7)
Boy do we all know each one of those types. Joyce is funny at times, which is why I like her. She open about how she used to be and gives good sermons and breaks it up with a little humor at times.
What I really liked is when she said "do you go to church to worship or are you a worshipper?" (God loves a worshipper) She says a worshipper lives a lifestyle that worships God! She gave the example of how her and her husband would argue the morning they were going to church. All the way in the car, then when they hit the church doors...."Good morning, hallelujah! Singing...We bring the sacrifice of praise...." Then they'd argue all the way back home. She is too funny because I'm pretty sure we've all experienced that.
She then started talking about the story of the fig tree. I'll have to tell you about that tomorrow. Mommy duty calls.....
Until next time!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Really?????
Oh my goodness. This living in separate households is supposed to work.
But it just seems like it is making him exhibit more issues. I have 3 kids I have to deal with. Not so much the older kids but the baby is more work than anything. He doesn't want to sit still any more.
So this morning my baby wakes up the same time I do. I text my boyfriend good morning and tell him that baby woke up the same time I did. For anyone who has babies, you know getting yourself and the baby ready at the same time, on a time limit, is both time consuming and a little difficult. So I don't even know how much later it was but I look at my phone and realize my boyfriend had texted back. Nothing like wow....his 1st response was "what's up with the late response if up so early?' ....I'm like are you kidding me?
My routine is the same every morning. So on our way to the day care, I let the little one watch Mickey Mouse on my phone. My boyfriend knows this, so why did he text me again and this time say, "Honey we argue about alot of little things, not upset, just want the same respect when I don't respond right away, that's all I ask."
I'm like is he crazy? I spend my mornings getting myself and my baby ready. I take him to day care, etc., so if I can't get to my phone he should understand, don't you think? But no. He does not have anyone to take care of but himself so that's why I don't understand at times why he doesn't answer his phone. And his excuse will be one of these three: 1. I didn't hear it ring. 2. I didn't feel it vibrate . 3. I was letting it charge. (or sometimes, because I know him, he will not answer out of spite) Such ridiculous things to say.
Me on the other hand, I have dinner to cook, a baby to feed, a diaper bag and other things to get ready for the day care in the morning, and clothes to get out for myself and the baby. So if I don't drag my phone into every room with me he knows why.
So even more ridiculous, is tonite. I cook dinner and eat while the baby is taking a nap. So when he wakes, I am preparing his dinner. I can not talk and feed him at the same time so I tell my boyfriend I will call him back when I am done. Well, the baby is not wanting the food. So I have to prepare a bottle and then feed him that. Then we go and prepare him for bed. Then I call my boyfriend back. At this point he is upset because I didn't call him immediately after I fed the baby the bottle, like I said I would. I told him sometimes things happen. I said you know exactly what I am doing over here.
It pisses me off when he gets these idiotic attitudes because they are pointless. It is not my problem he has nothing, and I mean nothing to occupy his time. He doesn't have kids to watch. He doesn't have hobbies. He's supposed to be working on his issues but he seems to be having a problem getting that together and then I have to hear the dumb issues? He's having a fit because he can't live with me like he has done with all his other girlfriends. I think his insecurity is what causes him to live with his girlfriends in the first place. he can keep an eye on them that way. But that also causes issues, because if he something is done that causes a flashback of what his previous girlfriend had done, oh it gets ridiculous. I never understood how someone who has a "seeing is believing attitude" can ever believe in God. It just doesn't seem possible.
He sometimes exhibits childlike behavior. He is getting emotional because he doesn't like us living in different households but instead of expressing it in words, he's acting it out like a child. This is the reason why there are times I am glad we don't live together. There are other reasons but I don't want to go into it now.
I just needed to get his ridiculousness off my chest right now. Sometimes, I think we will not make it. I am not perfect, but the stupid, petty things he tries to argue about are ridiculous. And I have told him, he will never have a caring, loving, positive relationship with anybody if he doesn't fix or get fixed his issues. I will not let him guilt trip me or try to even blame me for us not being in the same household. Not going to happen. He has issues that he knows about but doesn't fix and issues that he doesn't want to admit to. God help him! (because only God can!)
Time will tell what will happen with us. Time will tell. Gotta get back to my baby!
Until next time!
But it just seems like it is making him exhibit more issues. I have 3 kids I have to deal with. Not so much the older kids but the baby is more work than anything. He doesn't want to sit still any more.
So this morning my baby wakes up the same time I do. I text my boyfriend good morning and tell him that baby woke up the same time I did. For anyone who has babies, you know getting yourself and the baby ready at the same time, on a time limit, is both time consuming and a little difficult. So I don't even know how much later it was but I look at my phone and realize my boyfriend had texted back. Nothing like wow....his 1st response was "what's up with the late response if up so early?' ....I'm like are you kidding me?
My routine is the same every morning. So on our way to the day care, I let the little one watch Mickey Mouse on my phone. My boyfriend knows this, so why did he text me again and this time say, "Honey we argue about alot of little things, not upset, just want the same respect when I don't respond right away, that's all I ask."
I'm like is he crazy? I spend my mornings getting myself and my baby ready. I take him to day care, etc., so if I can't get to my phone he should understand, don't you think? But no. He does not have anyone to take care of but himself so that's why I don't understand at times why he doesn't answer his phone. And his excuse will be one of these three: 1. I didn't hear it ring. 2. I didn't feel it vibrate . 3. I was letting it charge. (or sometimes, because I know him, he will not answer out of spite) Such ridiculous things to say.
Me on the other hand, I have dinner to cook, a baby to feed, a diaper bag and other things to get ready for the day care in the morning, and clothes to get out for myself and the baby. So if I don't drag my phone into every room with me he knows why.
So even more ridiculous, is tonite. I cook dinner and eat while the baby is taking a nap. So when he wakes, I am preparing his dinner. I can not talk and feed him at the same time so I tell my boyfriend I will call him back when I am done. Well, the baby is not wanting the food. So I have to prepare a bottle and then feed him that. Then we go and prepare him for bed. Then I call my boyfriend back. At this point he is upset because I didn't call him immediately after I fed the baby the bottle, like I said I would. I told him sometimes things happen. I said you know exactly what I am doing over here.
It pisses me off when he gets these idiotic attitudes because they are pointless. It is not my problem he has nothing, and I mean nothing to occupy his time. He doesn't have kids to watch. He doesn't have hobbies. He's supposed to be working on his issues but he seems to be having a problem getting that together and then I have to hear the dumb issues? He's having a fit because he can't live with me like he has done with all his other girlfriends. I think his insecurity is what causes him to live with his girlfriends in the first place. he can keep an eye on them that way. But that also causes issues, because if he something is done that causes a flashback of what his previous girlfriend had done, oh it gets ridiculous. I never understood how someone who has a "seeing is believing attitude" can ever believe in God. It just doesn't seem possible.
He sometimes exhibits childlike behavior. He is getting emotional because he doesn't like us living in different households but instead of expressing it in words, he's acting it out like a child. This is the reason why there are times I am glad we don't live together. There are other reasons but I don't want to go into it now.
I just needed to get his ridiculousness off my chest right now. Sometimes, I think we will not make it. I am not perfect, but the stupid, petty things he tries to argue about are ridiculous. And I have told him, he will never have a caring, loving, positive relationship with anybody if he doesn't fix or get fixed his issues. I will not let him guilt trip me or try to even blame me for us not being in the same household. Not going to happen. He has issues that he knows about but doesn't fix and issues that he doesn't want to admit to. God help him! (because only God can!)
Time will tell what will happen with us. Time will tell. Gotta get back to my baby!
Until next time!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Drifting
Hebrews 3:12-13
New International Version (NIV)
The last devotional I read was about spiritual drifting. Ok so I got to be real here. It got me to thinking about my spiritual drift. One that I didn't want to admit to.
Just like the devotional stated, it is a gradual wandering away from God. I was where I was supposed to be. I was doing what I was supposed to do, for the most part. I was establishing my relationship with God. It was a wonderful thing.
Then when I least expected it, a man entered my life. He was so nice and a good gentleman. He exhibited some signs of his life having God in it, but if I had of looked deeper, or just plan kept my eyes on God, I would have seen otherwise.
Don't get me wrong, he believes in God, but there are so many people who say they believe in God but don't have a relationship with Him. But ask them and they will say He understands me. I am not one to argue with them on that point so I just leave it be.
Ok, so we started seeing each other. Spending alot of time together. We would have conversations about God and the things He had done in our lives. So subtly things were turning in another direction. Then one day, a line was crossed and that was that. (oh believe me, I was still going to church. We were even praying with the boys) But somewhere in there it changed. And to this day, I wish it hadn't. Don't get me wrong, I had some good times in there and eventually had my 3rd son, which I will never change for the world, but none of it was done the way God would have wanted it done. There are consequences to drifting. I had lost my connection to God. That was the worst thing in the world.
Then of course, issues started creeping into my relationship with my boyfriend. I found out alot about him. He;'s very insecure, needs affection as a way of telling him that he's cared about.....just alot of things I definitely was not prepared for.
All of which I would not have been through had I done things the right way.
Spiritual drifting causes your spiritual ears to become deadened. Your heart hardens to the things of God. (Mine not completely because I would still say things I remembered from the bible to help my boyfriend out) . Eventually I avoided situations that might have reawaken my conscience and stirred my spirit to repentance. I didn't want to hear others say much about God.
Then one day you begin to gradually 'wake up'. I know my life is not complete without God and I know I need to get back to my relationship with Him. No way will it be easy. My sister and I discussed how we didn't want some of the things we knew a relationship with God would bring. (Trials and tribulations) But if you think about it, those trials and tribulations will only build your relationship with God (you definitely will depend on Him and talk and cry out to Him more) and build what He needs in you.
I had been reading devotionals and listening to Joyce Meyers, but the other day is when I actually, for the first time in a long time, picked up the bible and read it. Doing things on-line is cool, but it's a whole different story to have that bible, His words, in your hands.
Not living with my boyfriend will definitely help me in seeking my relationship with God. I also told my boyfriend that my priority was getting my relationship with God back, whether he was on board or not. I will not let him be hinder me. No way, no how.
Until next time!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Not today....
I am just not feeling it today. Feeling nothing at all.
Now that my boyfriend and I don't stay in the same household, I find myself sometimes enjoying this. Not that I don't care for him but sometimes it feels nice. What doesn't feel nice is knowing that I have to take care of the baby by myself.
But hey, I guess that comes with the territory. I have been thinking and since I have already come across depression, I feel like I am heading back into that territory. I want to be at home by myself. Just shut up from the world right now.
Don't have my weight down like I want, was told months ago I had a fibroid and have been on the mini pill, which my doctor told me would help, but at this point I don't know. I have been having my monthly since June 30. Really? Never had this happen before. But I also know that things change at my age. But when something doesn't feel right....
Stopped the job search...it was getting annoying. So many jobs out there, but I can not afford to have a cut in pay since I am the only one supporting my household of myself and 3 boys.
Still grateful for my life, my health, my job, my children, and their health but it's not as strong of a grateful as I would like.
Cling to something positive because I got a lot of negative on my mind. That's not what I need.
Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Yeah.....that's what I gotta do.
Until next time......
Now that my boyfriend and I don't stay in the same household, I find myself sometimes enjoying this. Not that I don't care for him but sometimes it feels nice. What doesn't feel nice is knowing that I have to take care of the baby by myself.
But hey, I guess that comes with the territory. I have been thinking and since I have already come across depression, I feel like I am heading back into that territory. I want to be at home by myself. Just shut up from the world right now.
Don't have my weight down like I want, was told months ago I had a fibroid and have been on the mini pill, which my doctor told me would help, but at this point I don't know. I have been having my monthly since June 30. Really? Never had this happen before. But I also know that things change at my age. But when something doesn't feel right....
Stopped the job search...it was getting annoying. So many jobs out there, but I can not afford to have a cut in pay since I am the only one supporting my household of myself and 3 boys.
Still grateful for my life, my health, my job, my children, and their health but it's not as strong of a grateful as I would like.
Cling to something positive because I got a lot of negative on my mind. That's not what I need.
Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Yeah.....that's what I gotta do.
Until next time......
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
More thinking...
So yesterday, I was thinking about finding a new church home. I talked to God about it and wouldn't you know it, as I was shopping at the store, I ran into a current church member. Really? So I will be going back to my church home until otherwise directed.
So today's devotional got me thinking more. Today was about the source of our adversity. When we go through trials and tribulations we always wonder why God lets things happen. Sometimes we just don't understand especially when these things produce pain for us. Why would such a loving God allow these things to happen? There are some other sources of adversity.
1. A fallen world: When sin came into the world so did suffering. We look to God to protect us from the suffering by making us to not choose sin. But in doing so He would take away our free will, which would in turn take away our free will to love Him so why would He want to do that?
2.US: We get ourselves in trouble with the stupid decisions we make. If God stopped us from doing this, how would we ever learn from it?
3. Satanic attack: Of course this is inevitable. Satan wants to destroy us and doesn't want us to follow God. So naturally he will do everything he can to try to make us useless for the purposes God has for us.
What got me in this devotional was the statement that "the Lord is in charge of all adversity that comes our way". After reading that statement, my mind just flipped and I sent my boyfriend this " A devotional I read got me thinking....if u get a chance read Isaiah 45: 5-10...I was remembering that there was a man in the bible that God allowed satan to mess with....God's only stipulation to satan was to not touch a hair on the man's head....God ALLOWED satan.....that means He has power over satan too because satan did what He said! "
Then I said "when we go through things that are painful.....we are supposed to focus on God and His faithfulness....not on the pain....we are supposed to learn...in the end....why we went through what we went through....like what purpose did it serve? Did it strengthen me in a specific area? Can I see where I made my mistake?"
So today's devotional got me thinking more. Today was about the source of our adversity. When we go through trials and tribulations we always wonder why God lets things happen. Sometimes we just don't understand especially when these things produce pain for us. Why would such a loving God allow these things to happen? There are some other sources of adversity.
1. A fallen world: When sin came into the world so did suffering. We look to God to protect us from the suffering by making us to not choose sin. But in doing so He would take away our free will, which would in turn take away our free will to love Him so why would He want to do that?
2.US: We get ourselves in trouble with the stupid decisions we make. If God stopped us from doing this, how would we ever learn from it?
3. Satanic attack: Of course this is inevitable. Satan wants to destroy us and doesn't want us to follow God. So naturally he will do everything he can to try to make us useless for the purposes God has for us.
What got me in this devotional was the statement that "the Lord is in charge of all adversity that comes our way". After reading that statement, my mind just flipped and I sent my boyfriend this " A devotional I read got me thinking....if u get a chance read Isaiah 45: 5-10...I was remembering that there was a man in the bible that God allowed satan to mess with....God's only stipulation to satan was to not touch a hair on the man's head....God ALLOWED satan.....that means He has power over satan too because satan did what He said! "
Then I said "when we go through things that are painful.....we are supposed to focus on God and His faithfulness....not on the pain....we are supposed to learn...in the end....why we went through what we went through....like what purpose did it serve? Did it strengthen me in a specific area? Can I see where I made my mistake?"
Isaiah 45:5-10
New International Version (NIV)
5 I am the Lord, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,
6 so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its setting
people may know there is none besides me.
I am the Lord, and there is no other.
7 I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the Lord, do all these things.
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,
6 so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its setting
people may know there is none besides me.
I am the Lord, and there is no other.
7 I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the Lord, do all these things.
8 “You heavens above, rain down my righteousness;
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
let salvation spring up,
let righteousness flourish with it;
I, the Lord, have created it.
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
let salvation spring up,
let righteousness flourish with it;
I, the Lord, have created it.
9 “Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker,
those who are nothing but potsherds
among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
‘What are you making?’
Does your work say,
‘The potter has no hands’?
10 Woe to the one who says to a father,
‘What have you begotten?’
or to a mother,
‘What have you brought to birth?’
those who are nothing but potsherds
among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
‘What are you making?’
Does your work say,
‘The potter has no hands’?
10 Woe to the one who says to a father,
‘What have you begotten?’
or to a mother,
‘What have you brought to birth?’
Man that is so powerful! He in control of it all! But I don't think He brings things to truly hurt us. We are human so that is a emotion we will feel. But if we concentrate on God, we will always understand that everything will be alright!
I think some of our emotions are selfish. Why because in these situations we come across, we think of ourselves. Which is normal to do but somehow we have to learn to not do that. To not rely on our feelings, which can be deceiving. Oh, I think I am rambling. But it's time for me to go now.
Thank you Lord. You gave me an opportunity to be with You. If only for a short period of time, it was well worth it!
Until next time! Good night all!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Alot of thoughts
This heat has been ridiculous! Yesterday so much electrical stuff was on, it blew the fuse! Horrible. But it got fixed and I am so happy for that.
Anyway, over the past week I have been thinking about a lot of things. My boyfriend and I no longer share the same living space. Well, he technically wasn't supposed to be here, but somehow he was always here. Well we had an argument that resulted in me telling him to go. I couldn't handle some of the same things he was doing. His insecurity had hit my cut off point. So he is staying elsewhere. Which is good. We had a very long talk last weekend and we are going to be working on things NOT being in the same household. See we know that I had time to work on issues I had but he's never had time to work on his. So he will be working on his. This might be a long process but I don't care as long as he works on them issues. In the meantime, it makes it a little harder for me at home as now there are 3 kids I need to deal with. The little one is getting more "I don't want anyone but mommy" so it makes it a little harder to do what I need to do. He will take 3 hr naps during the day so by the time I get him, he will not go to sleep until 11:30pm and after.....then he wakes up at 4am for a feeding and goes right back to sleep...which then as soon as I can get back to sleep, my alarm clock then goes off at 6am. Talk about tired! (God please make a way for me)
So I was reading a devotional which I get everyday, from Charles Stanley. It was talking about a spiritual thirst. As I read on, Charles asks isn't it interesting that we live in a society where most people feel dissatisfied? (Oh boy did I say yes to that!) In Christ we have everything we need yet the world tells us to seek after glory, wealth, and other empty dreams. (right!) Which only seems to gratify us for a short period of time. (Oh did he just hit it right on the nail!) I had been thinking, and had a previous conversation with my sister about this, why I am never content in the work (my job) that I do. The longest time I have spent at certain jobs is 5 yrs. Then I move on. There are some jobs where I had been there less that that. I didn't understand why I couldn't feel content. I mean I want to be at a job that I can retire from. But this does not seem to happen.
I have been praying to God and I understand so many things in my life need to change to be in His will and I am trying to change them. Not living with my boyfriend is a start on that front. Reading devotionals and things is fine but today what popped in my mind was "I need a church home" Funny thing is I have one, but I don't want to be there. Enter again this whole confusion thing about going to church on Saturday or Sunday. I hate this debate and I don't want it to hinder anything.
So as I continue to read Charles Stanley's devotional, it says "all of us have an emptiness within-a longing for something more. What are you attempting to use to satisfy it?"
Well I don't think I am using anything to satisfy my thirst because I know apparently nothing can fulfill it. So I pray that He will direct me in the right direction for everything. (church, job, etc) I am sick and tired of being 'empty'.
Anyway, over the past week I have been thinking about a lot of things. My boyfriend and I no longer share the same living space. Well, he technically wasn't supposed to be here, but somehow he was always here. Well we had an argument that resulted in me telling him to go. I couldn't handle some of the same things he was doing. His insecurity had hit my cut off point. So he is staying elsewhere. Which is good. We had a very long talk last weekend and we are going to be working on things NOT being in the same household. See we know that I had time to work on issues I had but he's never had time to work on his. So he will be working on his. This might be a long process but I don't care as long as he works on them issues. In the meantime, it makes it a little harder for me at home as now there are 3 kids I need to deal with. The little one is getting more "I don't want anyone but mommy" so it makes it a little harder to do what I need to do. He will take 3 hr naps during the day so by the time I get him, he will not go to sleep until 11:30pm and after.....then he wakes up at 4am for a feeding and goes right back to sleep...which then as soon as I can get back to sleep, my alarm clock then goes off at 6am. Talk about tired! (God please make a way for me)
So I was reading a devotional which I get everyday, from Charles Stanley. It was talking about a spiritual thirst. As I read on, Charles asks isn't it interesting that we live in a society where most people feel dissatisfied? (Oh boy did I say yes to that!) In Christ we have everything we need yet the world tells us to seek after glory, wealth, and other empty dreams. (right!) Which only seems to gratify us for a short period of time. (Oh did he just hit it right on the nail!) I had been thinking, and had a previous conversation with my sister about this, why I am never content in the work (my job) that I do. The longest time I have spent at certain jobs is 5 yrs. Then I move on. There are some jobs where I had been there less that that. I didn't understand why I couldn't feel content. I mean I want to be at a job that I can retire from. But this does not seem to happen.
I have been praying to God and I understand so many things in my life need to change to be in His will and I am trying to change them. Not living with my boyfriend is a start on that front. Reading devotionals and things is fine but today what popped in my mind was "I need a church home" Funny thing is I have one, but I don't want to be there. Enter again this whole confusion thing about going to church on Saturday or Sunday. I hate this debate and I don't want it to hinder anything.
So as I continue to read Charles Stanley's devotional, it says "all of us have an emptiness within-a longing for something more. What are you attempting to use to satisfy it?"
Well I don't think I am using anything to satisfy my thirst because I know apparently nothing can fulfill it. So I pray that He will direct me in the right direction for everything. (church, job, etc) I am sick and tired of being 'empty'.
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