The more I have been turning to God, the worse it becomes with my baby's dad. Yes, I know what it is, but it is tough to deal with. I feel bad, like I am hurting him. That is not my intention. I want peace in my life. Not constant arguing, fighting, and deep rooted insecurity that causes what seems like insanity on his part. He will never live down his insecurity regarding my ex husband. No matter how many times I try to reassure him about it, he will never feel better until I just don't talk to my ex husband at all. However, we have 2 kids together so as long as this fact is true, we will be connected and will have to communicate about them when needed. R's insecurity is deeply rooted in his past and he refuses to see it. I get constantly blamed and accused and told that I should be compromising to make him feel comfortable. I don't see it that way. Our communication is regarding the kids and it is called working together. He and both his other children's mothers don't even communicate unless they call him to reprimand the kids. There is no joint communication or working regarding either child. But then our backgrounds and how we deal with things are very different. As long as my ex husband is willing to do things regarding his kids, I will not stop that. Truth be told when I was married, I was more the leader of the household than he was and alot of decisions that were made regarding the kids was made by me. It still occurs to this day. He will ask my opinion before doing something regarding the kids. Its not that he doesn't know how to be a father, it is just that he feels as well that we need to work together as well. But I have been through so much stuff with my ex husband and I mean bad things while getting the divorce and a some time after that so for us to be civil and working together is a serious accomplishment. But when you have someone in your life who focuses on another male as much as R does, it is not a healthy thing. His mind just keeps racing with all sorts of things when he learns I have either talked to my ex husband or knows we will be in the same space. (like parent/teacher conferences) Then he constantly questions me and needs to try to keep track of my time that whole day. Just pure insanity. I couldn't take it anymore. I dove into my bible daily, listening to Joyce Meyers, and praying. As a result, the more peace that tried to wash over me, the more irrational he was. Nonsense stuff. We had to stop talking. Nothing civil was occurring between us. Petty things....made worse because I wanted peace. He couldn't understand any of it and had the nerve to tell me not to put God into it! HELLO that has been the problem this whole time! God was not in it! I told him he couldn't spend the night....he was sooooo mad and was cursing and everything, in his mother's apartment. Saying he was a grown man and he could curse. I said why are you disrespecting your mother's place? It really didn't matter, she has added something things to this situation too. Try to say one thing in my face and another when around him. A part of me understands because that is her son, but like I told my sons, I will let you know when you are wrong. I won't take someone else's side either to your face or behind your back, but I will let you know when you are wrong and it is up to you to make things right. So I will continue to pray and read and listen to Joyce. My sister says I was so used to negativity, that a part of my peace makes me feel wrong. Like I did something wrong. I did....I stopped talking to God.
Until next time.............
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
My God...My Light...
I feel so disgusted and I am trying to cling to God. This guy I have dealt with is literally "gone" in the mind.
I spent Valentine's Day so pissed at him, most of the time I couldn't see straight. What was not surprising was the more I tried to keep my focus on God and His word, the more this guy attacked me. (In words, constantly stealing the joy I was getting from trying to focus on God) When you have someone who cannot fathom what it means to be divorced by working together as parents, it is horrible. Not to mention I have had to deal with this the whole time we were in a relationship. My oldest son is not doing well in school. Intervention is needed. I talked to his counselor and the next step, I talked to his father. His father decided we, as a team, needed to sit down and talk to our son. I agreed. This did not sit well with the guy I am seeing. He could not focus on anything but that. He criticized my son's father for not being there and trying to get close to me. Which is not the case, but you can't tell someone who is as delusional as the guy I see. He spent all day yesterday continuously talking about my ex husband and what he should and should not be doing and other things that he had no business even discussing. He makes up things in his head that he believes is true and convinces himself and others that the information is true. I can't tell you how many times I hung up on him. He was calling me on my cell and work phone, trying to argue about the situation. I ended yesterday actually not liking him. The day before, I had a dream. This guy and I were in a building. Trying to find a way out. All these people in the building were trying to kill us. Somehow, the sleeves of one of the people came off and they came to realize they didn't have to kill us. When this happened, the guy was no longer there with me. It was me by myself. My sister says the people represented all the drama and stuff he was bringing to me that was slowly killing me. She said notice when they realized they didn't have to kill, he was no longer there. I continued to talk to God and pray. That night ended.
Today was a new day. I dropped my baby of f and while I was doing that, the guy, "R", called. I missed the call. Thank goodness to. He texts me to have a nice day. I went about my day. My sister wasn't in a good mood so we decided we would spend the day listening to Joyce Meyers. I helped my soul greatly and I listened to Joyce and worked. R called and told me about my son. I got off work and went to get my son. As I was sitting there with R, he asked me about a shirt of his at my house. He asked what I did with it and I hesitated to tell him I packed it up. In my hesitation, he made a comment that just made me mad. He assumed I moved his shirt so my 14 yr old son could sleep in my bed. I started to say something but didn't. Instead I packed my son up and left. He followed and proceeded to say more and unfortunately, I flipped. I cussed his sick self out from top to bottom. Why? Because R has made some sick accusations before. He has claimed that my 14 yr old has touched my butt as we were all sitting together on my bed talking one day. Are you kidding me? Do you honestly think I would allow something so inappropriate? I cussed him out that day too. How could you think something like that? Yes my sons and I are close, but there has never and never will be anything inappropriate going on. That is truly sick. But to have someone think something like that is disgusting.So back to today. I cussed him out so bad, I got a headache. He tried to call me and text me. He told me if I had of told him the truth in the first place, this wouldn't happen. Then he told me I was changing up the story. First of all, hesitation is not lying. 2nd I never told a story so what was he talking about. I did tell him, in the midst of my cussing and yelling, that I had moved his stuff because I was packing it up to give it back to him. That in all this time, I have had times I was mad at him but yesterday, he truly made me not like him. He heard nothing. Except what he said. Then had the nerve to turn around and ask me to leave a key for him to get into my house. Was he freaking crazy? Yes, he is. And I am doing all I can not to call him crazy. All I can. I don't want to see him let alone talk to him. I do not like him or his mind. He is a sick individual. I can not deal with him any longer.He has sickness all around him.
I have to set up child support but I will not visitation right now because I don't want to. The thing I can't be mad at it the fact that I was applying myself to my relationship with God. I asked Him to take R away if he was not right. And I have been seeing nothing but God confirming proof that he is not right. Even in my dreams! Undisputed Godly evidence. So that's is why I called this one My God....My Light. He has opened my eyes. I keep praying to him because I need Him...I really need Him....
R finagled his way into having people pushed from my life because of the way he was and that's makes it hard now to find someone to babysit for me when I try to go volunteer. Or when I try to go to school. Why does the woman seem to suffer the most in these situations? I have to go to bed as I am exhausted.
Until next time...........
I spent Valentine's Day so pissed at him, most of the time I couldn't see straight. What was not surprising was the more I tried to keep my focus on God and His word, the more this guy attacked me. (In words, constantly stealing the joy I was getting from trying to focus on God) When you have someone who cannot fathom what it means to be divorced by working together as parents, it is horrible. Not to mention I have had to deal with this the whole time we were in a relationship. My oldest son is not doing well in school. Intervention is needed. I talked to his counselor and the next step, I talked to his father. His father decided we, as a team, needed to sit down and talk to our son. I agreed. This did not sit well with the guy I am seeing. He could not focus on anything but that. He criticized my son's father for not being there and trying to get close to me. Which is not the case, but you can't tell someone who is as delusional as the guy I see. He spent all day yesterday continuously talking about my ex husband and what he should and should not be doing and other things that he had no business even discussing. He makes up things in his head that he believes is true and convinces himself and others that the information is true. I can't tell you how many times I hung up on him. He was calling me on my cell and work phone, trying to argue about the situation. I ended yesterday actually not liking him. The day before, I had a dream. This guy and I were in a building. Trying to find a way out. All these people in the building were trying to kill us. Somehow, the sleeves of one of the people came off and they came to realize they didn't have to kill us. When this happened, the guy was no longer there with me. It was me by myself. My sister says the people represented all the drama and stuff he was bringing to me that was slowly killing me. She said notice when they realized they didn't have to kill, he was no longer there. I continued to talk to God and pray. That night ended.
Today was a new day. I dropped my baby of f and while I was doing that, the guy, "R", called. I missed the call. Thank goodness to. He texts me to have a nice day. I went about my day. My sister wasn't in a good mood so we decided we would spend the day listening to Joyce Meyers. I helped my soul greatly and I listened to Joyce and worked. R called and told me about my son. I got off work and went to get my son. As I was sitting there with R, he asked me about a shirt of his at my house. He asked what I did with it and I hesitated to tell him I packed it up. In my hesitation, he made a comment that just made me mad. He assumed I moved his shirt so my 14 yr old son could sleep in my bed. I started to say something but didn't. Instead I packed my son up and left. He followed and proceeded to say more and unfortunately, I flipped. I cussed his sick self out from top to bottom. Why? Because R has made some sick accusations before. He has claimed that my 14 yr old has touched my butt as we were all sitting together on my bed talking one day. Are you kidding me? Do you honestly think I would allow something so inappropriate? I cussed him out that day too. How could you think something like that? Yes my sons and I are close, but there has never and never will be anything inappropriate going on. That is truly sick. But to have someone think something like that is disgusting.So back to today. I cussed him out so bad, I got a headache. He tried to call me and text me. He told me if I had of told him the truth in the first place, this wouldn't happen. Then he told me I was changing up the story. First of all, hesitation is not lying. 2nd I never told a story so what was he talking about. I did tell him, in the midst of my cussing and yelling, that I had moved his stuff because I was packing it up to give it back to him. That in all this time, I have had times I was mad at him but yesterday, he truly made me not like him. He heard nothing. Except what he said. Then had the nerve to turn around and ask me to leave a key for him to get into my house. Was he freaking crazy? Yes, he is. And I am doing all I can not to call him crazy. All I can. I don't want to see him let alone talk to him. I do not like him or his mind. He is a sick individual. I can not deal with him any longer.He has sickness all around him.
I have to set up child support but I will not visitation right now because I don't want to. The thing I can't be mad at it the fact that I was applying myself to my relationship with God. I asked Him to take R away if he was not right. And I have been seeing nothing but God confirming proof that he is not right. Even in my dreams! Undisputed Godly evidence. So that's is why I called this one My God....My Light. He has opened my eyes. I keep praying to him because I need Him...I really need Him....
R finagled his way into having people pushed from my life because of the way he was and that's makes it hard now to find someone to babysit for me when I try to go volunteer. Or when I try to go to school. Why does the woman seem to suffer the most in these situations? I have to go to bed as I am exhausted.
Until next time...........
Friday, February 8, 2013
Past....smh
So yesterday was a busy day. Someone from my past, a guy, has a best friend who was dating my sister. Well, they finally found each other after so many years. We all used to hang out together and this guy and I would sometimes separate from my sister and her guy, so that we could go do things. Movies, dinner, what have you.
There were some issues as to why I never actually 'hooked up' with this guy and things juts kind of disappeared. Well to my knowledge. I was about 17 or 18 yrs old. I am now 41 years old and my memory of specific past times is not as good as my sister's. Anyway, so she and her past guy have been chatting it up. So one day, as I am at a birthday dinner for a family member, I eventually see this phone number in my phone. It was hours later after the person called and they called like 4 times and then texted me. It was the guy I was dating back then.
I was a little taken aback because due to the situation I am currently in, I didn't know that my sister would give him my phone number. But it took me a couple days to text him back. I told him I would get in touch with him when I could. No matter how crazy things are currently going, I am not ready to talk to anyone else.
So about a week has pasted. My current boyfriend and I have decided to take a break. Think on a lot of things through. This is somewhat of a relief for me as I need a break from him. We are not talking or seeing each other for a bit. I can relax a little. So last night, I get off work, go to get my little one, then have to come home and cook dinner. Dinner took a little longer than usual, but eventually it was done. On top of that, the little one was severely clingy and it was hard tearing the older kids away from their 'fun' to assist. So my emotions were running high. As I kneeled down in front of the table for a breather, the phone rings. It was the guy from the past. I didn't want to answer, but I had put him off long enough.
So we started conversing. I was a little irritated because I wasn't able to have peace as I talked. Baby half crying and whining, one son singing, the other talking. Whatever the case in the end, I did not like the conversation and do not believe I will talk to him again.
We have not seen nor talked to each other for over 20 yrs. It was if he tried to pick up where we left off back then. The problem is that so many years have past. I am not the same person I used to be. I have changed and grown. He definitely wanted to know why I would not 'give him some' back then. Really? After all this time and this is what you are seeking an answer for? He tells me he was crazy about me back then. he had me on a pedestal. I was supposed to marry him. I didn't know he liked me that much. I liked him but....IDK....
So wants to know why I didn't continue to give him a chance. I told him there was one specific thing that scared me about him. There was one time when we were in the car going somewhere. we stopped and this guy came up to the car, and he pulled this 'package' out from under his seat! I was shocked. I had always seen movies with this but never in real life. It scared the mess out of me. I didn't want to be associated with someone who's lifestyle was like that. He said in all that time he never did jail time. Was that supposed to be impressive? It wasn't. I was not the type of person who wanted to deal with people who did that. No matter how much money it brought him. Not worth it to me.
So I told him there were other things as well but I didn't feel at liberty to say. All he kept talking about was how he felt about me. Then he was trying to see if he would actually 'get it' now because he felt I owed it to him. I was speechless. I don't owe him a dang on thing. Especially my 'womanhood'
What further ticked me off was the fact that he was cursing like every other word! Wow.
You don't know me know. You have no idea how I am, what I do, or what my beliefs are now. So why approach me like time never stopped? I just didn't like it at all. You want my 'womahood' and we'll see where it goes from there? Who do you think I am? (you didn't get it back then so why think you should get it now?) Who do you think you are? Are you kidding me? I got off the phone and me and my baby went to bed. I didn't have a restful night's sleep.
Until next time..........SMH
There were some issues as to why I never actually 'hooked up' with this guy and things juts kind of disappeared. Well to my knowledge. I was about 17 or 18 yrs old. I am now 41 years old and my memory of specific past times is not as good as my sister's. Anyway, so she and her past guy have been chatting it up. So one day, as I am at a birthday dinner for a family member, I eventually see this phone number in my phone. It was hours later after the person called and they called like 4 times and then texted me. It was the guy I was dating back then.
I was a little taken aback because due to the situation I am currently in, I didn't know that my sister would give him my phone number. But it took me a couple days to text him back. I told him I would get in touch with him when I could. No matter how crazy things are currently going, I am not ready to talk to anyone else.
So about a week has pasted. My current boyfriend and I have decided to take a break. Think on a lot of things through. This is somewhat of a relief for me as I need a break from him. We are not talking or seeing each other for a bit. I can relax a little. So last night, I get off work, go to get my little one, then have to come home and cook dinner. Dinner took a little longer than usual, but eventually it was done. On top of that, the little one was severely clingy and it was hard tearing the older kids away from their 'fun' to assist. So my emotions were running high. As I kneeled down in front of the table for a breather, the phone rings. It was the guy from the past. I didn't want to answer, but I had put him off long enough.
So we started conversing. I was a little irritated because I wasn't able to have peace as I talked. Baby half crying and whining, one son singing, the other talking. Whatever the case in the end, I did not like the conversation and do not believe I will talk to him again.
We have not seen nor talked to each other for over 20 yrs. It was if he tried to pick up where we left off back then. The problem is that so many years have past. I am not the same person I used to be. I have changed and grown. He definitely wanted to know why I would not 'give him some' back then. Really? After all this time and this is what you are seeking an answer for? He tells me he was crazy about me back then. he had me on a pedestal. I was supposed to marry him. I didn't know he liked me that much. I liked him but....IDK....
So wants to know why I didn't continue to give him a chance. I told him there was one specific thing that scared me about him. There was one time when we were in the car going somewhere. we stopped and this guy came up to the car, and he pulled this 'package' out from under his seat! I was shocked. I had always seen movies with this but never in real life. It scared the mess out of me. I didn't want to be associated with someone who's lifestyle was like that. He said in all that time he never did jail time. Was that supposed to be impressive? It wasn't. I was not the type of person who wanted to deal with people who did that. No matter how much money it brought him. Not worth it to me.
So I told him there were other things as well but I didn't feel at liberty to say. All he kept talking about was how he felt about me. Then he was trying to see if he would actually 'get it' now because he felt I owed it to him. I was speechless. I don't owe him a dang on thing. Especially my 'womanhood'
What further ticked me off was the fact that he was cursing like every other word! Wow.
You don't know me know. You have no idea how I am, what I do, or what my beliefs are now. So why approach me like time never stopped? I just didn't like it at all. You want my 'womahood' and we'll see where it goes from there? Who do you think I am? (you didn't get it back then so why think you should get it now?) Who do you think you are? Are you kidding me? I got off the phone and me and my baby went to bed. I didn't have a restful night's sleep.
Until next time..........SMH
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