He sees me

There are some devotionals that just seem right on time. This was one of them. I had to stop and think on this one.

I have had lots of disappointment in my life. I am not going to compare it to anyone else's life because there is no comparison. There are those who have had it worse. Then there are those who have had it better. But for me in my life, I have had many disappointments. At times I wish my life was different, but that is a momentary thought as I would never want to know my life without my children. So even though I didn't allow God to choose my mate, I walked away with lots of pain, some understanding about me, and 3 beautiful children.

But it wasn't until I read this devotional that I keep repeating over and over "He sees me". That is such a powerful statement to me.

There is no one on this earth that knows me like God does. Know who knows my deepest thoughts and fears. Every joy and every pain. Who knows my heart. Not like He does. I can tell you that even though I have read how He died for our sins, that I truly didn't grasp what He did for me. Until now. When it comes to unconditional love, He gives it. When it comes to seeing what I truly am, even when I can't or when others try to say differently, He sees me.

I had made up in my mind yesterday, that I would approach knowing and loving Him like He is the love of my life. Anyone we get into a relationship with, we take the time to get to know them. Their likes and dislikes; what makes them happy, what makes them mad. But the key is spending time with them.

I want a relationship with God. And I will push forward as He is the love of my life. He loves me, unconditionally. He provides and cares and wants the best for me. Who else on this earth can I say that about?

El Roi
Genesis 16:13 New International Version (NIV)

¹³ She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen^[a] the One who sees me.”

Thank you Jesus!

Angry

I have been thinking a lot lately over the holidays. I am coming to an understanding that there are so many feelings going on, that they have put me on the boarder of becoming depressed. Today I am tackling the fact that I feel so much anger. I am angry at a lot of things. But most of my anger stays on my youngest son's father.

There are times when I feel guilty for even feeling anger. For the thoughts that it might produce in my head. I get angry at myself as well for the stupid decisions I make that result in painful consequences. But I can't blame others. I chose the route I went. Thinking that I could make something out of nothing. Hoping that things would work this time. Only to end up with more pain, disappointment, and anger.

I don't want to be angry. I want to be at peace. If I didn't have to deal with the things I have dealt with, I'd be at peace. I think. Because God said we would have trials and tribulations. That is inevitable. But somewhere in there, I yearn for peace.

I started listening to a sermon, and I am allowed to be angry. It's not a sin to get angry. The sin is in what I do with that anger.

Ephesians 4: 26-27  ²⁶ “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, ²⁷ nor give place to the devil.

I tell you this much, God has surely been with me a lot when it comes to my youngest son's father. It's like there is an invisible muzzle on my mouth. Believe me I am grateful for this, however now I need to deal with internalizing that anger. It can have devastating effects on my health. Mainly in the form of bad headaches. With all the things I have going on now,  I do not want to add headaches to the mix.

Getting closer to God is what I need to do. With everything, every emotion I got going on, it is not as easy this time to draw near God as I want. So most prayers are short. Asking for Him to just help me. Showing me and letting me know in my heart, that He loves me. To the point when someone asks, I can state more than, because the bible tells me so. I ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Sometimes that is all I can ask for. So far I have had only on seriously heart-felt prayer. Other times they just seem like pointless ramblings. I will get there. Someday, I will get where I used to be...no past where I used to be. The fire I had at one point was....full of life..... I desire to get that back.

Last night I asked Him to take away me and fill me with Him. Put that fire back in me. He knows I need it. He knows my heart. He knows what is going on....He knows.....