Everywhere

My thoughts have been everywhere lately. I have been on my journey getting to know God for a minute and come across alot of.....hmmmm what should I call it? Sticks and stones in my path...Where do I start?

I was talking to my sister one day and I told her I was feeling like I was stumbling around in the dark, looking for something, (of course a light)...but the feeling was not good. I had been reading my word and praying but I wasn't hearing God. Yes, everything I read was telling me HE was with me and I knew that, but I wanted to hear from HIM.

That was bugging me. Because I also needed to know what I was supposed to be doing. What was I supposed to be contributing, because I was feeling like I was not contributing to anything. So 2 days out of the week, I drive my son to his grandmother's house. On route, I always see this house that has a sign "Palm Readings" Of course there is always this pull to go there. I want to know what direction I am going in. But I don't go. But I want to. I keep wondering if I do it once, that it will not hurt. Because it is not like I am going to become addicted to it or anything like that. BUT GOD....is there and lets me know, through a sermon I listened to with Charles Stanley and through a program I listened to by my sister in Christ, that is never going to be a good idea to do. It is totally against God. And believe me, I do not want to go against God.


Deuteronomy 18:9-13 
King James Version (KJV)
9 When thou art come into the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations.
10 There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch.
11 Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.
12 For all that do these things are an abomination unto the Lord: and because of these abominations the Lord thy God doth drive them out from before thee.
13 Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God.

(By the way Deuteronomy is called the Book of Law , which we are to meditate on day and night)

My mood has been up and down. Sometimes I am ok, while sometimes I feel down. At those times, I talk to my sister and I go back to listening to sermons. One day my sister even told me that I needed to listen to the bible. (I was at work) So I listened to a reading of the bible on Biblegateway and I felt better.

I finally, briefly heard God's gentle voice...(and I want to hear it again and again). I was upset about something my baby's father had done. He had gotten upset with me because I didn't answer his texts or phone call. Mind you, my phone has been messing up for awhile, which he knows. Well on this particular day, I text him a question about daycare. I put the phone down and went about my business around the house. After a while, I noticed he hadn't responded. So I picked up my phone and realized it had turned off! I turned it back on and he had texted 2 times. I called him to apologize about the phone only to be met with an attitude. Seriously? He was mad because I didn't respond to his texts or his phone call. I tried to tell him about the phone but gave up and hung up. He still hasn't learned to stop getting mad at people when they do not answer him right away. But it's ok for him to not answer people right away! That ticked me off because I think it is a stupid reaction.

Then I cut my baby's hair. It looked nice. This was the 2nd time I had cut it. I did better than the 1st time. So his dad picked him up from daycare. He called me and asked me who cut his hair. I said I did. He told him it looked to even and good for me to have done it. I said yes I did do a good job didn't I. You could hear all the disbelief in his voice. So he gets off the phone. Then he texts me and tells me next time he will get the baby's hair cut at the barber shop next time so he doesn't have to worry about who is cutting his hair. Are you kidding me? So I go to pick up the baby from his grandmother's place. She then asks me who cut the baby's hair. Are you serious? I did. ( mind you I cut the baby's hair on Sun...this was now Wed) So I left her and went home. 1/2 hr later, the dad texts me apologizing for his reaction and telling me what a good job I did. (this only after it was verified by his mother) Uuuugghhhh!  As I am stomping up the stairs all of a sudden I hear "forgive as I have forgiven you"... all I could do was stop and let it go...

The amazing thing about hearing from God is 1. hearing from HIM and 2. HE doesn't talk in a loud way.
You know how quiet something has to be in order for someone to hear a pin drop? Well that's how it is. Oh I love this verse when I read it...

I Kings 19:11-13

11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

I like this one because it wasn't in the super loud, powerful things that happened did Elijah hear God. It was in the "gentle whisper" that he heard HIM. Sometimes there are too many things going on for us to even hear God. Sometimes we need to be still and be quiet to hear HIM. When I heard HIM, it was quiet around me and that was the only way I was going to hear him...

I need to find more quiet time. I really do. I rarely have it, but I need to take advantage of it when I do happen to get it...

Until next time......

Blah feeling....

Well, lately I have been feeling...blah. That's the only word I can use to describe the way I feel.

I am not too sure why. But I don't like it. Then other things seem to add to this feeling. Like the other day, my baby got pushed at daycare. The other little boy made my son bust his lip. Looked horrible. I mention to the teachers that the little boy needs to be watched as this is the 2nd time he has pushed my son. And this time he drew blood. Not going to have much more of that happening. So of course, his dad, being the emotional person he is, was upset. But then later that night, my baby, who likes to go in circles sometimes, decided to go in circles near a doorway and apparently leaned a little too far forward and wham, right into the door frame. He didn't cry as I ran over to comfort him. I think it stunned him, but it put him on his butt. Then as I was holding him, a lump started forming on his forehead.  This was not my poor little baby's day. I gave him some Tylenol later for the pain of both the lip and the head. He fought myself and his caregiver when we tried to apply ice to his boo-boos. I called his dad to tell him about Chris. He heard everything I said and responded. So please tell me why yesterday, when R picked the baby up, he texts me and tells me he doesn't like the way these boo-boos make the baby look. I told him, he is a boy and boys get bruises. He then proceeds to ask me again how the baby got the bruise on his head. I was upset at this because the way he was asking was as if I hadn't told him the truth yesterday or as of to accuse me of something. Then he tells me I need to watch the baby when he goes in circles. I told him to shut up. Kids get hurt and we can't prevent everything from happening to them. I told him I bet his daughter and other son went through this as well but he didn't know because he wasn't there. Then he tries to say he was there just not everyday. I said that is opposite of what you told me. Whatever and I got off the phone. One thing I despise about R, is his self-righteous attitude. He always talks as if he is perfect and his other kids are perfect and if he was the one in the situation, it either wouldn't have happened or things would be different.

Number one, all 3 of your kids are with their mother, not you. You choose not to constantly be in their lives once you were no longer with the mother so you don't even know how to raise kids let alone tell someone else how to do it! Just like the other day, I let the baby go outside with his brother. R called to see if I took him outside and I said he is with his brother. R proceeds to ask me without you? Uh yes. Then he tells me he worries about his son. Are you kidding me? I wrote him an email, because my text isn't working and said this:
I am just going to say this once and leave it in God's hands.

Please do not question my other son's ability to watch and care for HIS brother. That is very offensive to me that you would even have that thought let alone speak on it. I have never questioned neither your son or daughter when the baby has been in their presence and I am not there, nor do I think or make comments to you.  #1, #2, and #3 are all MY children and although the other 2 may have some immaturity in them at times, they WILL NEVER put their brother in jeopardy. (There are some men out their who are more immature in watching kids and that is all I am going to say on that....)

That truly bothered me that you did that. I really don't want to go back and forth on this issue and as I mentioned, I needed to say what I said and am now giving it over to God. Have blessed day.

 

I didn't go into the matter of how he left his 9yr old with a friend and the friend then left his 9yr old and a younger child in the house alone to go to the store! R didn't get mad at that fact, he got upset that his 9yr old went home and told his mother and his mother called R and cussed him out! Rightly so!  But my point is R didn't have a problem with his friend leaving his son alone in the house with a younger child but he acts like he has an issue with the baby's brother watching him? Get out of here!!!

 

So as I had said before, once we broke up, R eventually deleted me as a friend on facebook. I got over that. I haven't actually look on his page in a while. 1st let me say that the other night, I had a dream about a guy I once knew. He had 2 faces in this dream. One was a good face, the other was bad. I woke up like 'what was that?'  So then later that day, I was just looking on facebook, when the thought hit me to look on R's page. Well I did but now wish I hadn't. He had 2 likes to pornographic sites. Oh my goodness that bothered me to the core of my being! I couldn't function for a moment. I took the baby and we went upstairs to go to bed, but I went into my bible. After my devotional, I went back to the pages were I had left off my other reading and came upon Matthew 7:1-6

NIV version

Judging Others

7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

⁶ “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

 

So I had to pray on it and try to leave it be. I was like disgusted. I needed to understand why I felt that way. One because he had talked about God with me. Two because I thought in some way he was changing. But the reality of it, is that I don’t think he is. He has freedom now. He sells bootleg DVDs and one day I found out he sells porn too, because that’s what they want. On one hand, I can’t say much because although I am not doing any of that, I still have sins in my life.  And God counts all sin the same. But at the same time, I think there was a part of me that thought us not being together would allow him to grow and change for the better, especially when he keeps trying to inform me that all he wants is me. I don’t know. Just a huge disappointment in my book.

Anyway,. I am looking on-line for bible studies. I told my sister I felt like I was feeling around in the dark looking for something. At least this will give me a start somewhere. I truly need to study and focus on God and His word. I can't wait for today to be over. Get this blah feeling off of me.

Until next time........

 

Temptations

So I was reading in the book of Matthew. Specifically Matthew 4:1-11

Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness

4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted[a] by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’[b]”

5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

“‘He will command his angels concerning you,

    and they will lift you up in their hands,

    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[c]”

7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’[d]”

8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’[e]”

11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

 There were so many things that went through my head on this. I have to see if I can put them in some sort of  order. If not forgive me....

1. Jesus had been fasting for 40 days and 40 nights. THEN He was tempted. Apparently it is at our weakest points (or what satan feels is our weakest point), when satan will come around us trying to make us come out of the will of God. When we are weak, we don't have our sense about us. We are looking for ways to get out of the current situation we are in and usually at that point, we are at the point where we are fed up and will seem to do just about anything to get out of our situation.

2. Jesus uses the word of God against satan. There are some of us who are buried so deep into His word, we can do the same thing when temptation comes upon us. But a large majority of us are not that far.(and some of us haven't even accepted the Lord in our lives so they are still out there lost!) To the large majority, which includes me, we need to get it together. We need to get ourselves buried into the word of God so when temptations come upon us, we can state the word of God to defeat whatever it is that is going on.

3. What I thought was interesting was how satan used the word of God too! But Jesus came back with "It is also written"....this is why we need to know our word. Even the deceivers know the word of God and will use in manipulating way. BUT if we continue to read the word of God, we can know what it says and even if someone says a portion of it, we will not be deceived because we know all of it! ( we can't listen to everyone who claims they know the word of God. And once we are buried deep into His word, we can weed out the false prophets and those using the word to manipulate for selfish reasons)

4. At first reading, it seemed like this temptation didn't last very long. Nor did it say how long the temptation was. Wouldn't it be nice to have a very short-lived temptation?  Wouldn't it be nice to be tempted, say God's word and be done with it? Well we all know it doesn't even work that way. First of all because satan knows we are not Jesus. Second it would actually be nice not to be tempted at all! (But then again how would we ever grow?) But as long as we are in His word and we pray for Him to strengthen us and be with us as His words says, then we will get through each and everything we come across. Maybe not in the way we wanted to get through it, but best believe the way God thought we needed to get through it, impacting us with something learned once through it.
 2 Thessalonians 3:3 (NIV)
     But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.
Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
    Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

 Isn't God awesome?

Thank you God for my morning time with You. Please allow me to get closer and closer to You. Allow me to know thy word to do Your will and prevent those that are false from guiding me from Your path. Thank You for who You are and Your promises given to us. Not my will but Thy will be done each and every day. In Jesus' name, Amen

Until next time........

Better yet?

Today I was a little better this morning. I woke up way before the baby and sat and read my bible. It felt good to be able to do that. Yesterday, I was supposed to volunteer, but didn't go. I took the baby to his dad and I went right back home. He doesn't even know this. Why? Because he would have never given me the time if I had asked to take the baby for awhile. He is still so worried about who I might be seeing, it's ridiculous. His mind set, because of his past experience, is that I am either searching for someone else to be in a relationship with or as he puts it 'playing 2nd best' to my ex-husband's girlfriend. I stopped trying to say anything about my journey to him because he only believes what he wants to believe.He believes what he and other people in his past have done. No use telling him anything.

So I was able to read my bible for a while. I had my paper and pen to jot down things that stuck with me. God always being with us.Even in our darkest hours. I was reading about Joseph and how his brothers sold him. SMH...now that is messed up. Your own flesh and blood. But my study was talking about how God was with Joseph through it all. About him learning things in his dark hours that would prepare him for what God had in store for his future. I enjoy reading stories of the bible. But it wasn't enough. The baby woke up and was active the rest of the day.

The baby's dad visited him and it is not a good idea for him to come to me to visit him. Because most of the time he focused on how was he supposed to handle his feelings for me. I can't tell him what to do. Then he goes into how we don't have the same feelings...etc...etc. I really didn't want to hear any of it. I care about him but there is something more important going on here. He can't seem to understand that. He is stuck on feelings. I can't help him if he is serious about this journey, because I think he thinks if he does all this, we will be back together in the end. Whatever God wills to happen is going to happen and right now, I definitely don't see God putting us back together. But enough about him. I need to concentrate on my relationship with God. I gotta get to bed with the little one. Another work day tomorrow...Better yet? No, but there is work in progress...

Until next time......

Music soothes the soul

So I haven't listened to music in a long while. I didn't want to hear anything and I mean anything,. About the only thing I was forced to listen to was the baby's CD while in the car. Music has a tendency to be associated with different times in a person's life; different situations.

One day as I was turning off the baby's CD, I heard a song I hadn't heard in a while. Brian Courtney Wilson-Already There. Oh my soul! All the emotions of when I used to be on God's path came flowing over me! Yesterday, my sister sent me a link to a gospel song she liked . From there, I just started listening to all the gospel songs I used to listen to. Fred Hammond, Smokie Norful, Isreal Houghton, just on and on and on. I felt somewhat better.

But as we all know, the more you try to go towards God, the more the devil will try to sway you otherwise. The baby has been on and off sick for the past 2 weeks. We went to the doctor the other day and now he is on medicine. It has been tough. He was clingy before being sick and now he is supremely clingy. The last 2 nights have not been good for either of us. So I am more tired than I usually am. Through this week, I have had some discussions with R about my journey I am on. I want to live life the way God wants me to. I am tired of doing things the wrong way. While he hears me, he doesn't hear me. He still thinks I should give him one last time. So I ask him, "why are you not respecting what I am trying to accomplish here?" To this he says well he guesses he will not get his last time (which I am not sure why he seems to think he gets one as I never told him that) and what is he supposed to get it elsewhere? Well if you feel you need to then do what you want to do.But he would rather be with me. Then I tell him take the journey with me. However I have to be careful, because I have never said if he takes the journey of getting to know and follow God, that we will be together, so I keep telling him, do this for yourself. Don't do anything to think you will get something out of it. I still don't think he gets it. He is a very selfish person. Like the world, he is bent on pleasing self in any way he can and if one won't play along, then he will have to search out another. It seems that the talks about God , are not really where he wants to be. Doesn't matter how much he may read something, it applies one day then doesn't the next. Like today. I was working from home, dealing with a sick baby, and the other boys are on spring break  So because I didn't answer my phone or text when he wanted me to, he got mad. And went back to telling me something about playing 2nd best. Who knows if he will see his son this weekend as when he has issues with the mother, the issue spreads to his responsibility with the child.

Besides him, my tension is running high because of the baby being sick, me trying to work, and the other 2 boys. I am getting to that point where I say "Calgon...take me away"...anyone remember that commercial! LOL

I think when you are on the journey to getting to know God, sometimes you need to go it alone. At least for a minute. Or maybe it is just that R needs to be alone in his life, finally, so God can work on him and I need to do my journey back by myself or run the risk of being attacked by him every chance he gets. He does still have satan in his corner to the point he doesn't recognize what it is, but I do and with all going on, it is still sometimes hard to ignore him. But I will do my best. "I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me" I have to breath God...at all times.....Breath Him, speak Him, praise Him, worship Him, read about Him, and whatever else I need to do to stay where I know is the best place for me....On His path.

God help me to let go of all the things that might be hindering me from completely surrendering myself to You. Help me seek Your face, voice, and words in all that I do each and everyday and allow me to show others You exist in me. This is my prayer in Jesus' name, Amen!!

Until next time........
  P.S.  I am excited as I received my book "Becoming Spiritually Beautiful: Seeing Yourself from God's Perspective" by Sharon Jaynes. I found this website Girlfriends in God.....I am excited to read and do the study that goes along with it.  (being single with 3 boys...it can be a challenge to get my time in....it was a challenge to finally hear my sister in Christ on her radio station....but I did it!..will have to go back and fill in somethings but it was awesome to hear again!)

Well today....

The baby is a little sick and I and he didn't get much sleep last night. It hasn't hit me yet but it will. On the way to work, I started thinking about somethings. I have some family in a part of Ohio, by marriage not by blood, although that really doesn't matter, and I contacted one of them through facebook. She owns a practice and I had a question for her. Facebook notifies you when someone reads your message, which is what she did and then promptly never answered back. But continued to post on facebook. That kind rubbed me the wrong way. (oh yeah, it's been 2 days since I sent her the message).

Anyway, it started me thinking about that side of my family. They are well off. She is married with 3 kids, and can vacation where she wants when she wants. They have built their house from the ground up twice. Good for them. I am very happy for their accomplishments and their longevity in marriage. What I don't appreciate is them making me feel like I should have/could have done better in my life. We all have different paths in life. Some take some wrong turns but eventually things change. The measure of my success shouldn't be how much money I have or how many material possessions I have. Nor should a nose be turned down on someone who doesn't quite fit their ideal person. Every one is human and EVERY one has issues. The degree of those issues is different for everyone but that never makes anyone better than any one else. NEVER....

It's interesting how I used to feel certain things were 'beneath' me until God put me in some of those places. Things happen in life. Opportunities are missed. Not everyone has that fairytale life. Not everyone will be well off monetarily or possession wise. But that doesn't make you less of a person to anyone.

Yes, my ex boyfriend has issues. (Doesn't make him a loser as was called by my family). It just means he hasn't admitted and dealt with his issues like some of us have. But there is always hope. For all of us. Yes, I said alot of things negative about him...out of anger. But I shouldn't have. We were not for each other and I let my focus on God slip away and got into a situation that was not good for me. Yes it did produce a 'silver lining' as my sister in Christ put it.

Well, my eyes are back on God. I don't want them to go away from Him. I want to live my life for Him. I want to do the things HE wants me to do. It will not be easy, so I know I will have to surround myself with people who are also wanting and living for Him.

I don't have the anger I used to have for R. It has dissipated. I am more at peace, with some difficult days in there, but nonetheless, more at peace. Now I need to get some fellowship in there. A church as well. And continued study. Who knows what my future holds but I am not sitting here hoping for anything more than a better relationship with my Lord and Saviour. Who can ask for anything better?

Until next time.....

Feeling....

I am feeling a little lost today. I am not sure why.

Feeling just weird. I have been reading my bible and listening to sermons. Things that apply to me  right now. But somehow today, something is not getting through as it should be and I do not like it!

There are some people standing behind my desk talking and I just want to turn around and scream for them to move and stop talking! Usually I could careless about other people talking, but they are too close. Move away!

I think I need debate or conversation. In my journey, I am reading and listening to sermons but I need others in my learning and getting back on track. I need to get back into church. But I am in that stupid phase where I am like "why do I have to go to a seventh day Adventist church?" "Why can't I just go to a church that worships God and follows the bible without having to say, I am a a baptist, or I am this, or I am that" That's annoying. I visited a church with family when I was in Columbus, Ohio. I loved it. No denomination, come as you are, and just praising and worshipping the Lord. I have yet to find that type of church where I live. Yes, that is why I feel lost. I need my church. UUggghhh....I do not like this feeling at all.... I need fellowship!

Until next time..... (don't feel like writing anymore!)