Just tired....

Just a small rant for today.

I just get so tired of my baby's father. Not being there when he should be. Always talking about how he will make things up or when he gets things together he will do this and that.

It's nothing but bull. When you're selfish, you do for you and don't really think about anyone else. I want to say so many things to him. Like did your dad ever make it up to you? Or one day you might not be able to make anything up. Something that will wake up this guy about taking better care of his children. Yes children.

He used to tell me that when his other son got older, he was not going to do this or that. Right now, he's going through it somewhat with his other son. His other son's mother constantly calls him about what "bad" things his son is doing. He will call his son and his son won't even answer his call. I mean there has to come a point in a person's life when it becomes more about others than it is about them. He is 37 and it is still not about others. Unless there is a benefit to him.

I hate the fact my son doens't have a true father around like he should. I can't always make up for him not being there. It pains me too. Because my baby doens't deserve that. No child derserves that.
I guess I need to write more to get things out that I keep inside. Instead of tearing myself up inside, I gotta let it out and let it go. It's not as easy as it sounds but it has to be done.

I tell you, sometimes it is hard to pray for people. I know it should be done, but sometimes it is very hard. My baby doesn't desevere this. No child deserves it. Then people wonder why there are so many people with issues in the world.

Until next time......

Need you now...

Wow....songs can really sometimes say exactly what you are feeling at the time. To listen to them sometimes, you can lose yourself in them. Just feel the words, the emotions that come with it. This one I heard was one I really felt. Felt to tears.....

Is it by  an artist named Plumb.....

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Until next time......

Amazing Grace....

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see......



Do I really see? Sometimes I feel like I am still blind....Like I am feeling around in the dark. Like the light is so far off....if I could just reach it, I will be ok.

Even better, if I could just focus on Him 24/7, I know I would be so much better...But this stupid world keeps getting in the way... When He comes back, it will be so much better. Things will be so much better...

Here's the rest of Amazing Grace:

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

Until next time......

The struggle is real.......

It is amazing how much I have to struggle to stay focused on the Lord. It's not that I don't want to, but this life here in this world tries so hard to invade when you decide to live your life for the Lord. I picked that picture because I pray that it is true.

I need to keep hope alive. Hope in love, peace, happiness.....all those things and probably more. I think I either read something or listened to a sermon that stated love was the root to the rest...

So does that mean if you don't have love, you don't get the rest? I had a nice weekend. I thanked God for a nice Mother's Day. People I didn't expect told me Happy Mother's Day. A person whom I had contacted on another holiday but didn't even respond, told me HMD. I said "I will not hold a grudge" and responded with a "thank you".

Saturday I talked to God and fussed some regarding my being alone. I don't like it. I would like to eventually be married, but I guess God knows that right now is not the time. As I was "talking/fussing", I ran into someone I dated over 20yrs ago. He is still interested...I am not. I think he will be good to go out places with at times, but other than that, like I told me sis in Christ, I don't want past! I want future! She asked if he was saved. This I don't know yet as I haven't had a conversation with him, but we shall see. I know more and more the type of guy I would like and if I look at the past guys, none of them fit that bill.

I talked to my father on Sunday as well. I asked where the men like him were because there seems to be none! (And probably the ones that are like him are married!) He said everything comes in due time. My dad has the words I need to hear at the time I need to hear them. Which leads me to thinking about patience. And something I read about it.  "Patience is not the ability to wait. It is how you act while you are waiting"..... I had to stop and think on that one. It had an impact on my mind.

So while I am "patiently" waiting for that person God has for me, I will continue to focus on God and on His fixing me to make me like Him. I have good days and I have bad days, but through all those days, I still have Jesus......That I am most thankful for.

Until next time............

I don't even have a title......

I had a nice weekend with my son's prom stuff going on. Family came over to my house and we sat and talked after things died down. It was nice to see family. I enjoyed myself.

Back on the alone thing. It has been bothering me more and more. To the extent I cry out to God about it. You make irrational decisions when you in a place you don't want to be. Things started going through my mind of what to do about my loneliness. And in the end, my heart just hurts. Enough to have me crying today. And it seems like I can't stop crying. Who wants to be at work crying? Definitely not me, but I can't stop it. I hurt...I hurt...I hurt......

I am at the point where I am thinking about staying home from work tomorrow, but actually what will that accomplish. It will make me feel even worse. The things I have been thinking, rationally might lead me down the wrong road, but right now, it seems like the thoughts themselves are tearing me up more than anything. Where I thought I was done, finished, past, I find that I am not. I am sick of the road... I am sick of being hurt, I am sick of happiness eluding me. It's not even fair. The fact that people have to hurt to heal is a bunch of crock to me right now. The fact that we even have to hurt is pissing me off.

I had some confidence on Sunday, but as the day went on, it left me. I was alone. All the boys were gone. I did a little shopping and that was it. The alone feeling came back. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO HURT. I AM TIRED OF BEING TIRED. I AM TIRED OF NOT BEING HAPPY. I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE HAPPY AND CONTENT AND IT NOT FINDING ME AND BEING WITH ME.

I can say I despise where I live. I can tell you somethings I am grateful for but the devil is telling me I have less grateful stuff than messed up stuff.

I am even tired of crying now....hurt and pain turning into anger. I am searching for you God so where are you? Better yet, I know You are always there but why can't I hear you? Maybe because the hurt is more overwhelming today.

I'm done...can't write anymore.......