God is that you? 

Been gone too long from His presence. It sucks. When you get around someone who pulls you in the opposite direction. I was the one who was moving in the right direction. Thinking I could influence the other to walk that way. But instead, I was lead in a different direction. It wasn't suddenly. It was slowly but surely. And when I realized it, it was too late to turn. I was already in.

But I finally got to a point, where I knew deep in my heart, that it wasn't right. It wasn't what God had intended for me. I put myself in this...not God. And now I was coming to the point where I wanted out. I wasn't getting the love and respect I deserved. I wasn't getting what I wanted in a relationship. I was unhappy. That unhappiness spread. To my job....my life in general.

I had my last argument with my boyfriend weeks ago. I called it quits. The previous week at counseling my mind was made up that this was not anything that I wanted or deserved as I sat there and listened to him blame EVERYTHING on me. See he had a very bad habit of not taking responsibility for any wrong doing. Any! He would never change or try the things the counselor said to try because he felt he already knew the outcome. He felt like I didn't know much of anything yet ALWAYS asked me EVERYTHING  as if I did. I was tired. Just plain tired of it all. This is not what I wanted. This is not what I deserved. And I told the counselor, in front of my boyfriend, that I it's not that he didn't deserve me, it's that I deserved better than this. And I meant it. Whoa! I finally let that out!

The next week, he started an argument and it ended with us splitting. I felt a relief. I felt bad for our son, but I felt so much relief. No more jealousy, no more enviousness at odd things, no more having to try and explain what a bonded family does.... Just no more. And one night I cried. Not because I was sad at the break up, but because I was mad at myself for letting things go for so long. My fear of leaving wasn't tied to me being alone. It was tied to what would happen for my little guy? Would he be there for him as a father should? See I had already experienced him missing out of our son's life previously. And I know for sure when another female comes into play, my son wouldn't be his priority.

I worried for nothing. Our son was sad that night but was fine after that. Because he has his mother. He's always had his mother. I have been there ever since he was born and has never once left his side. Can't say the same for his father.

However, his father is still around. But not just for his son. See he alienated himself from people period during our relationship (even though I highly encouraged him to get some new friends...his old friends were still into drinking and drugging and not moving forward in life). But he didn't go anywhere to even make new friends. He made me and our son his world. So now that he was gone out of the house, there was no one there. He moved into his dad's place. But still, there was no one else there since he made us his whole world.

I am not getting the freedom I desired this whole time. I still have to put him in his place when he wants to know who is calling my phone or why I didn't answer my phone when he called, etc.

So in the meantime, I have been crying out to God. I have been reading and praying. Not praying like I used to because I feel I am just starting all over again. I feel lost. I lost a bad relationship, I lost my mom in November 2018, I do not belong at the job I am currently employed at......I JUST FEEL SO LOST. So I continue to cry out to God. God can you hear me? Can you help me? Tell me where I am to go? Tell me where I belong? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

So the last night, I woke up in the middle of the night. I started praying to God again. Where do I belong? God speak to me like a babe as I lost the relationship I had with You and I want to be able to hear Your voice and not mistake it for my own or the devil's.
I fell asleep in the midst of praying. I often do....and I really need to change that. I don't do it on purpose.

So I dreamed. The Adventist church was have changes being made to it. So I went in to see what type of changes they were making. I thought I would see an uncle preach, but I came upon someone. And I just stared at him in awe. I was speechless. I was amazed. He turned to me and said in a soft, calm voice "Yeah it's me". I was stunned. I took a picture of him. Then I wanted to get a picture with him so I changed my clothes and I was putting on a different pair of earrings when I woke up.
Well the weird thing was the person I was as the artist Prince. Well he died 4/21/2016. I had so many questions.  I was baffled. Why Prince? I kept thinking about it throughout the day.

What sticks out to me the most now, is the soft and calm way he said "yeah, it's me".

I will continue crying out to God. My life needs Him...my life needs direction and He is the only one who can give it to me. I tried. Again and again I tried. I keep failing miserably. When will I learn? I don't want to keep failing. I don't want to not know where I belong. I don't want to not know what I am supposed to be doing because this job that I am at.....I know I don't belong here. Just like I knew finally, that I didn't belong in that relationship.

Lord, please keep trying to get through to me. In any way You can. In the simplest way so I know it is You. Direct my steps.... Help me surrender to You.

I can't do it by myself or in my own strength.

Philippians 4:13 King James Version (KJV)

¹³ I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

A person can only go through so much. Being in this relationship I am in with my son's father is tiring. His negativity, jealousy, and insecurity is totally draining!

He has many internal issues that he refuses to confront. He knows they are there. He acts like they don't exist. And the bad thing about it is that they are issues that exist in every relationship he has had. But the problem he has with my children is even worse. His jealousy about them is pathetic.

I came to the conclusion, that his jealousy about my kids comes from his neglectful childhood. He didn't have the emotional and loving relationship me and my children have.  He was kicked out by his mom at 15/16. His dad left way before then. So he took to the streets. What would the streets offer him? Not love, not affection, not positivity. No solid, good male figures. So who taught him? When I look at it, I see no one has taught him. No one has taught him how to properly treat a female. No one has  taught him what it means to be a man.  All he has is mistrust, skepticism, paranoia....so many negative things.

I watch how he treats his mother. He can be nice to her. He will lose his temper with her. He feels guilty because he thinks he caused her stroke. So I guess he's using the rest of his life to do things for her to cut his guilt. He doesn't take her out. He doesn't do anything special for her. For gifts, he invests no time in knowing what she could possibly want. When it comes down to it, she will ask for beer. (She's on disability and stays in her apartment all day, drinking beer, gossiping, and watching TV) When he was in his alcoholic phase, she was an enabler. Complained about him, his actions, but he was in the same state she was. So was the girlfriend he was with at that time. She lived about 5 floors down from his mother. She worked at a liquor place. Enabled him too! Brought home alcohol and weed.

Don't say anything about his mother either. He gets defensive about her, no matter how wrong she may be. But he feels he can give his opinion on anyone in my family. How does that work?

As I said I am tired. I am under a microscope when we are together. He criticizes everything in my life. He thinks he knows better about raising kids, has 3, and hasn't raised one of them. He gets upset at EVERYTHING. He may be unhappy with himself. He has nothing. Not that possessions make a person, but he has nothing. Except a bunch of clothes and now a $400 TV. Oh and a car. I feel he made a bad decision purchasing that car as he has been putting money into fixing it from day one. But you can't tell him anything. I can't tell him anything.

He thinks that telling me he will continue looking for an apartment bothers me. It doens't. He should have done that a long time ago. But he has a tendency to maneuver his way into people's living space. Since I have known him, he has had 2 living spaces. Which he gives up to move in with the female he is currently seeing. When we got back together, he was over my place a few days out the week. Then it turned into every other day, then it turned into every night. I didn't really agree to it. It just happened. He needs to be with a person so he can know what they are doing. He hates not knowing. Even when it has nothing to do with him, he feels he has to know.

If he leaves, I will not be bothered. But I will feel bad for our son. He will not see him as often and if he gets into another relationship, his attention will be on the female and not on the child. It happens every time.  He doens't know how to take care of anyone else, let alone himself. And continually looks for someone to take care of him.

There is so much more I can write about but I am even tired of that. We are supposed to see a counselor in February. I don't feel we need it, I feel he needs it. He has no drive, he has no plans for the future that he is actively planning for. Anyone can dream. He once said he didn't like watching celebrities. Why? Because they have money and a lifestyle. I said because they worked hard for it. He said he works hard....No they took a passion of theirs and worked their butts off to get what they wanted. How can you be jealous of someone when you won't/ don't work nearly as hard as they do to get anything?

Which brings me to the question.....why am I still with him? A huge part of it is because of our son. But that may no longer be enough!

When you start praying more and more to God, He will reveal things to you. So I am continuing to pray....

Until next time.....

Meaningless????

I woke up last night and began to think about my current life situation. Am I happy? Not really.

I feel like I am missing a whole lot in my life. And that is not good.

I went through a period of time trying to find the right church. Grew up Seventh Day Adventist but I found I didn't want a denomination. I just wanted to worship and praise God without the "what denomination are you?" . But I still didn't find the right church. I went back to my church home but still felt unfulfilled. Alot of older people there. Not really any ministries I could get involved with. And clicks. If I wanted to sing in the choir, that wouldn't be an option. They only wanted those who could blow some serious notes. So I just stopped going.

I especially had some God issues when my closest friend passed away. January 2017. I was stunned for so long! Her faith in healing made me have faith that she would be healed. Then she passed away and I found myself completely lost. I miss her sooooo much. I think about her so much. We talked just about everyday. Mainly through text and email. But from that, I stepped back from God. She was my mentor, my rock, my push to God. And now she was gone. I haven't seen anyone like her. I trusted her and I don't trust very easily at all.

I am back in a relationship with my son's father. Is it the greatest? No. He has alot of internal issues that he has not dealt with and I get blamed for alot of his issues. I am seeking out a counselor to assist. He doesn't listen to me when I give opinions on issues, mainly because I spent a year alone with God finding out about myself, so I can see what he refuses to see. But I believe he doesn't listen because I am a female. But the problem is he doens't have a good, male mentor. So he says he listens to no one which is soooo bad. He doesn't do anything either. Works 2 jobs but has no friends he hangs with.

Me on the other hand, I've gone out with some female associates. I even got together with a Christina group to go places. But being with him, since he has no outlets of his own, he gravitates towards my outlets. Which makes me feel trapped. When I started going back to church, it wasn't that's good! It was , "what church?" "Who told you about it?". Then while I was in church, I received a text from him saying he wants to start going to church with me. He needs church...we need church he says.
Really? I got a little upset at that. Thinking I can't do anything by myself. But then I had to pause. Church is a good thing and to want to go is a good thing. So I let it go. Time will tell how committed he is to it. (And whether he is doing it because he is really seeking God or because he wants to know who is around me)

I need my own outlets! Going to church, I want to be involved in a ministry. I want to fellowship.
I also am thinking about yoga or working out. It's hard when the person you are involved with wants to crowd you. He needs his own... I understand with his past issues, some of the people he knows he shouldn't hang out with. But he won't even step out to meet new people. And I don't want him hindering me. You can help a person only so much. So I am going to pursue my own things to do. And I will continue doing lunches or breakfast with family members. He doesn't even do that. I mean really, take your mother out sometimes. Or get together with your dad. Or even do a boys' day out with your sons. I cannot be someones all. I can't be looked upon to make a person whole or complete.

Now, God can do this. He can make me whole and complete. And I need Him. Everyday. I need to get back to Him. Regardless of the hardships I encountered, He helped me see the light of things so many times. Without Him, I am incomplete and feel like I have a hole in my life. Now what my boyfriend ends up doing while I am in the midst of transformation, I don't know. Time will tell.

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24The Message (MSG)

^23-24 May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he’ll do it!

Until next time....... God Bless!

Tobymac- Move (Keep Walking)

I had to add this as I heard this after I did my writing! Great motivation for me to keep moving forward!

Just so tired.....

I am so so tired. These days, weeks, etc, have been wearing on me so much! I even pray tired!

I have a 21 yr old who is not even remotely grasping the concept of helping family. He's in a selfish mode and I pray to God his heart changes on that! We are bumping heads way too much and I have resigned to give him an "exit from my house" date. It pains me. I feel like such a weak person in this area. I don't want to kick him out and my heart hurts at telling him this but he needs to be on his own.

So many things going on with the 4 yr old. Besides the fact he is like glued to my hip! There is no where in my house that I can go without this little boy! NOWHERE! Even if I sneak off to another room, he will come looking for me! I am also dealing with his behind daycare. His father wasn't working for 2 months ($800 in daycare) and once he started back, he now just pays his regular amount. I have to remind him to give extra to make up for the months he wasn't paying. However his extra is like $20-$25 dollars. That is doing nothing. I took care of all but 2 speech therapy appointments of my son ($20 copay each time. He attended every Mon for about 5 months) and am now in the process of working with the school district to see if they can assist him in school. So on my vacation, I get to run around on appointments.

Work is in full swing. I belong to a 3 person team. One person went on sabbatical. (Every 10yrs, we get a month off with pay and additional money. This was her 2nd sabbatical) Then when she came back, me boss took off for a week. Both actions done in one of the busiest seasons! Then on top of our busy work, we seem to be having more meetings than can be imagined. I do not like meetings because they can't seem to hold my attention! Maybe I am in the wrong business???? Then of course I still need to take CE (continuing education courses) to renew my agent's license before Oct. Those CE courses are no joke either.

One guy that I was talking to (everyone needs friends), ended up being more stressful than he needed to be. So I talk to him less and less. Everybody seems so selfish. They want what they want when they want it and have no regard for others time or feelings. It's a shame really. And it really makes me more careful to not become selfish in my actions.

Friday, I am going on a night cruise. From Cleveland to PA.  From 7pm to 1:45am.... Although it seems like it will be nice, I have my doubts. But the one good thing is that I am going with a female friend. I don't feel like dealing with males right now! Most just don't know how to be friends!

I am still waiting Lord. On the one you have for me. Prayerfully I will know when he is in front of me! But I am ok right now with not having someone special. I seem to have too much going on to even try to set aside time for someone special, let alone myself. I pray about it, but not as strongly as I should. Because I am tired! Lord please give me some renewed energy!!!!!

Isaiah 40:31 King James Version (KJV)
³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Until next time.....

Dream......Fervent

So I am dreaming. Most of it is weird,  but then it switches. Someone I know is reading a bible verse. The word that sticks out to me is fervent. So I start to ponder this word and tell him I know this word and have defined it before. I start looking for where I wrote it. Then I say, "The fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much".

Then the dream went to me going in a room but the teacher telling me and some others, we had to wait till the 2nd half to play because I stepped out.  I told her I was getting a definition.  Then I woke up. Today I will be looking up bible verses with the word fervent to see if it will come to memory whart he was reading.

In the meantime,  I needed to define the word for myself. Especially since it's not a regular thing to dream of words in the bible. I'm feeling it applies to me for some reason.

 

fervent
[fur-vuh nt]
adjective
1.
having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm, etc.; ardent:
a fervent admirer; a fervent plea.
2.
hot; burning; glowing.

 

So now I have to give the whole, correct bible verse I stated in the dream.  As most of the time when people quote scripture, they don't always quote the whole thing. Just as when some study it, there is no attention paid to what was said before and after, so it can truly be understood.

 

James 5:16  King James Version (KJV)

16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 

One thing I want to note is that I feel asleep listening to a sermon called "Your convictions about prayer". See I am having internal issues about prayer. One thing the sermon said was there are 3 parts to answered prayers.

 

1. Praying in God's will.
2. Praying in faith that it is answered
3. Praying in Jesus' name.

 

I guess I drifted off to sleep with my own questions about it. Like "how do we know what God's will is for us? (What we pray). And "how do we know what we pray for is what God wants for our life?". (Oh and just because we say "in Jesus' name", doesn't mean we will get it!)

I know God either already gave me the answers or will give them to me, if I just ask Him.

 

Until next time.....

Irritated....

I woke up today and read my devotional and have been listening to Christian music all day so far. However, I am not being able to shake the irritation I have been feeling. I am not sure why it is there. Although part of it I think is because woman are quite moody once a month.

Besides that, yesterday I was putting a halt on past people that I know God doesn't feel need to be in my life. Of course they are males. They mess up my life, leave, then go out and keep looking around and hooking up with others. Only to realize they let a "good one" go. So they decide they want to come back around to "claim" the "good one"

No go. I can't do it. I forgive what was done, but have no desire to rekindle anything. I told my sisters, "I want future not past".  I haven't concentrated on finding someone, although I would like someone special in my life. But I want the special person God has for me. I stopped choosing for myself because I obviously don't know how to choose! I am on a different path. And learning more and more about myself, I don't see these past people as being a part of my life. I pray for them but that's about all I can do.

I am tired from a lot of what I am doing. Being part of a 3 person team at work that currently has only 2 people, where I am doing majority of the work, is draining me. My 4 yr old's rambunctious self is draining me. Not having my time is frustrating. My 2 oldest boys are in their own world and have no thought about watching their brother for a few hours for their mother. Having to take care of finances that 2 people are supposed to be taking care of and trying to catch up , while the other responsible for them is not even thinking about them, is draining me.  I am on the edge of cracking apart to pieces. I am trying to cling to God for relief somewhere.

Life has to let up soon God..... I am running out of energy, patience, sanity......

Lord I know you got me! Just a little relief so I can be re-energized to keep going!

Isaiah 40:31 King James Version (KJV)
³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.