So I am having an allergy/sinus day. Not all that good. I just put the baby down for a nap. Then something on the TV caught my eye. A show called Love Addiction. I have never heard of it or seen it before.
So I sit down and watch. Why this caught my eye, at the time I didn't know, but once the show was over, I knew why. There was a couple on there, Kia and Shane. They had been in a relationship for 1.5 yrs. The things that were being said about him and their situation, seemed familiar. Matter of fact, alot of what was on there seemed familiar. This guy was very insecure and jealous. Some of the things that came out of his mouth sounded like what my boyfriend would say. This guy was adopted and was biracial. His childhood seemed to define who he had become. He had a feeling of who would be there for him or would he be abandoned. So he clung to his girlfriend. He didn't have friends outside of his relationship with her. Or at least any that he hung around. And his constant thought was that some other man wanted his woman.
Wow.....my boyfriend was no adopted, nor was he biracial. He did grow up without his father being there and he was cheated on by alot of people. Hence, his insecurity. One thing that was said by Kia was that she had no control over what happened in his past. This is so true. I am not responsible for my boyfriend's past and it pains me at times to have to deal with the repercussion of it. This show has made me stop and think. Some things have changed in this relationship but there are still issues that occur that make no sense to me. I have told him I will not spend the rest of my life dealing with his issues. No one can solve his issues but him and it will take him to get tired of them and change. Not me. I can't do it. They are bigger than me and you know what, no matter how much a person says they love you, love will not make me stay and put up with issues for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I think, I don't want another young male without his father....single motherhood is no joke. The more kids you have, the harder being a single mother becomes. But when it all boils down to it if I have to, I will not allow my baby son to grow up with the same issues his dad has.
It's so interesting to hear my boyfriend say he's pretty much forgiven his dad for not being there. But he hasn't. I tell him, because he needs to hear the truth, if you forgave your father you wouldn't have so much animosity when you talk about him. Mothers who have sons without the father being there, really need to have a positive male influence be in their sons lives. There lies a huge problem. Where can you get a positive male role model who will take on that task and stay?
I will still be thinking for the rest of the day...
Until next time......
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Not again!
Really....I'm tired of this part as well.
It has been a pretty decent day. Lounged around for a while. Very tired, plus I had a very painful headache last night and one around 6am this morning. It's time to go grocery shopping. I make my list, everything is OK. Mind you I haven't eaten all day and neither has my boyfriend and it is now almost 3pm. We are at the store and I see his attitude is a little off already. I pay no attention to it.
While we are down on of the aisles, he is standing towards the middle of the aisle so I tell him to scoot over a little because there was a woman wanting to get by and there was a cart that was behind him helping to block his way. I don't know what he think he heard but he decides to start fussing about it. Hold up man, I didn't blame you for being in the way I just suggested you scoot over a little and told you there was a cart blocking behind you as well. It was enough to make him become a belligerent idiot. And I am putting things so mildly.
He starts to try getting louder and telling me he said to hurry up. I am trying so hard to keep my composure because I can let alot of bad things fly out of my mouth, but I didn't. I did call him ignorant because that's exactly what he was being. You know what the problem was? He hadn't eaten all day and when he doesn't eat, he gets an attitude. This is the dumbest thing in the world. He has the capability to eat however he seems to wait until either someone else decides to cook something to eat or someone else decides to buy something to eat. Really? Are you serious? Are you telling me he was too lazy to get himself up and make himself some breakfast or something to eat and he'd rather wait all day, knowing he will get an attitude, and take it out on someone else? YES.
Somewhere earlier in our relationship, I began to feel like he always purposely waited until he was in my presence to eat. One thing he knows about me is I like to eat. However, don't wait all day when you are by yourself and capable of getting something to eat, and don't, and then expect me to get you something to eat when you are around me. Then what made matters worse to me was when we were apart, he would always want to know what I ate. Seriously.....everyday he would ask me what I ate. (whenever I was not with him). He gets off work at almost 2pm and I am still at work. I go to lunch sometimes between 1 and 2. He would call me and ask me what I ate for lunch. then he would ask me I got him anything. Excuse me????!??!?!
He works earlier than I do so he is capable of getting himself something to eat. Why would you eat what little you did during the day and then expect me to buy something for you on my lunch? And then try to say I wasn't thinking about you? Are you kidding me? Unfortunately, I am not kidding on this. I had to resort to stop getting myself alot of foods out and telling him to stop asking me what I eat. That's not conversation. I have never had someone so much into what I am eating everyday. I worked hard to get to where I am job wise and financial wise. It really is not my issue that he didn't work like that. But by no means does that mean I support him. And I am not sure where in the world he got the idea that just because I don't buy him food or a pair of house shoes, that means I don't think about him. I am capable of thinking about him without purchasing a dang on thing! You can not be the head of a household if you expect the woman to be the breadwinner. And during this relationship, I have had to become blunt with him on these things. Sorry if it is a blow to his manhood, but I don't think a man should expect a woman to buy him a thing he can't seem to get on his own. Oh I am going off track again. (There are so many things that have come up in this relationship that it is not funny)
So now in the grocery store, we are no longer talking. We are not walking together. We got back to my house and he needs my truck to jump his car (this is like a regular thing for him. If he had a better paying job with more money, he would be able to get things taken care of. (But there is something wrong when you have to continuously try to get a man (?) to understand that he needs to step up his game in order to be a better provider) Yet again, another story.
So he took the baby and left to see his mother. I am sooo glad too. I didn't even want to be around him. I'm pretty sure he;ll get his mom to get him something to eat. She likes to cook so she always has something to eat. All this could have been avoided if had of just gotten his butt up and fixed himself something to eat. Really!
Until next time........SMH
It has been a pretty decent day. Lounged around for a while. Very tired, plus I had a very painful headache last night and one around 6am this morning. It's time to go grocery shopping. I make my list, everything is OK. Mind you I haven't eaten all day and neither has my boyfriend and it is now almost 3pm. We are at the store and I see his attitude is a little off already. I pay no attention to it.
While we are down on of the aisles, he is standing towards the middle of the aisle so I tell him to scoot over a little because there was a woman wanting to get by and there was a cart that was behind him helping to block his way. I don't know what he think he heard but he decides to start fussing about it. Hold up man, I didn't blame you for being in the way I just suggested you scoot over a little and told you there was a cart blocking behind you as well. It was enough to make him become a belligerent idiot. And I am putting things so mildly.
He starts to try getting louder and telling me he said to hurry up. I am trying so hard to keep my composure because I can let alot of bad things fly out of my mouth, but I didn't. I did call him ignorant because that's exactly what he was being. You know what the problem was? He hadn't eaten all day and when he doesn't eat, he gets an attitude. This is the dumbest thing in the world. He has the capability to eat however he seems to wait until either someone else decides to cook something to eat or someone else decides to buy something to eat. Really? Are you serious? Are you telling me he was too lazy to get himself up and make himself some breakfast or something to eat and he'd rather wait all day, knowing he will get an attitude, and take it out on someone else? YES.
Somewhere earlier in our relationship, I began to feel like he always purposely waited until he was in my presence to eat. One thing he knows about me is I like to eat. However, don't wait all day when you are by yourself and capable of getting something to eat, and don't, and then expect me to get you something to eat when you are around me. Then what made matters worse to me was when we were apart, he would always want to know what I ate. Seriously.....everyday he would ask me what I ate. (whenever I was not with him). He gets off work at almost 2pm and I am still at work. I go to lunch sometimes between 1 and 2. He would call me and ask me what I ate for lunch. then he would ask me I got him anything. Excuse me????!??!?!
He works earlier than I do so he is capable of getting himself something to eat. Why would you eat what little you did during the day and then expect me to buy something for you on my lunch? And then try to say I wasn't thinking about you? Are you kidding me? Unfortunately, I am not kidding on this. I had to resort to stop getting myself alot of foods out and telling him to stop asking me what I eat. That's not conversation. I have never had someone so much into what I am eating everyday. I worked hard to get to where I am job wise and financial wise. It really is not my issue that he didn't work like that. But by no means does that mean I support him. And I am not sure where in the world he got the idea that just because I don't buy him food or a pair of house shoes, that means I don't think about him. I am capable of thinking about him without purchasing a dang on thing! You can not be the head of a household if you expect the woman to be the breadwinner. And during this relationship, I have had to become blunt with him on these things. Sorry if it is a blow to his manhood, but I don't think a man should expect a woman to buy him a thing he can't seem to get on his own. Oh I am going off track again. (There are so many things that have come up in this relationship that it is not funny)
So now in the grocery store, we are no longer talking. We are not walking together. We got back to my house and he needs my truck to jump his car (this is like a regular thing for him. If he had a better paying job with more money, he would be able to get things taken care of. (But there is something wrong when you have to continuously try to get a man (?) to understand that he needs to step up his game in order to be a better provider) Yet again, another story.
So he took the baby and left to see his mother. I am sooo glad too. I didn't even want to be around him. I'm pretty sure he;ll get his mom to get him something to eat. She likes to cook so she always has something to eat. All this could have been avoided if had of just gotten his butt up and fixed himself something to eat. Really!
Until next time........SMH
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Sorrow turned to joy....
I was getting pictures taken of my three sons today. I just started thinking about how my last little one came about.
I had gotten myself into a relationship that started off good but bad at the same time. It seemed like I get caught in this trap of a male coming off as if he is into God. Don't get me wrong, they believe in God but there is difference in believing and living your life for Him. Anyway, the guy I was dating would do things like pray before we ate and we would talk about God at times. Not as much as we should have when I look back. So many things you realize when you look back. (I thought about how he must have watched me for a minute. He knew I was into the bible because he would see me bring it to work and sometimes get into my car at lunch and read it) I wish I was as observant about others as they seem to be about me. But alot of times I don't have an agenda.
Anyway, we started dating and things were good. Unfortunately, a line got crossed and once it was crossed, it was hard to go back. Then the further we got, somethings started to surface. He was a jealous person. Which I found a little cute because I thought that meant he cared. (Man you can still have wrong thinking at an older age!) It ended up being that he was insecure. I ended up going through some stupid situations because of it and I was moving towards getting out of the relationship.
I went visit my stepmother and he was with me. He joked while we were out shopping about getting these baby shoes. I brushed it off because I knew that wasn't going to happen. We came back to Cleveland and during the week, my stepmother called me. She was talking about my boyfriend and then she asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed. I was like no!
I don't even know how long later but I took a home pregnancy test and all I could say was NO...NO...NO...NO. It was positive. I was in shock and disbelief. I had to go to the doctor. She confirmed it and told me congratulations. I just looked at her. I wanted to cry. I didn't want this. I didn't want this at all. This relationship was not going great and....I didn't want this. I remained in a bad state about it for a long time. What made it even worse was I had to go home and tell my other sons. As if I didn't already feel bad, shocked, and devastated, they made me feel worse. At least the oldest did. I think the younger on just followed him. The oldest kept asking me why and told me "I told you he shouldn't have come here" He made me feel lower than I already had felt. I was beating myself up and he helped me. I cried about it alot. I tried to hide it for as long as I could. (meaning it took me a while to tell anyone) How could I tell my family? How could I tell my Christian friends? How could I let my church know this?
I let myself down and felt I had let everyone else down as well. I let God down. This was not supposed to happen. I couldn't even go shopping for anything baby related. My cousin told me I needed to get it together. It was a long time before I could. A long time.
Then seeing that little blip of a heart beat on the monitor....oh wow. From that point on, everything about being pregnant marveled me. Not like I hadn't had 2 other kids but I was 39 going on 40 and it was a whole different experience. Never did I imagine that I would be having a baby at this age. I thought I was done at having just 2. What an experience. I had forgotten about the whole experience because it had been 13 yrs since my last child...
Well....I will have to continue tomorrow....I'm tired and need to go to bed.
Until next time......
I had gotten myself into a relationship that started off good but bad at the same time. It seemed like I get caught in this trap of a male coming off as if he is into God. Don't get me wrong, they believe in God but there is difference in believing and living your life for Him. Anyway, the guy I was dating would do things like pray before we ate and we would talk about God at times. Not as much as we should have when I look back. So many things you realize when you look back. (I thought about how he must have watched me for a minute. He knew I was into the bible because he would see me bring it to work and sometimes get into my car at lunch and read it) I wish I was as observant about others as they seem to be about me. But alot of times I don't have an agenda.
Anyway, we started dating and things were good. Unfortunately, a line got crossed and once it was crossed, it was hard to go back. Then the further we got, somethings started to surface. He was a jealous person. Which I found a little cute because I thought that meant he cared. (Man you can still have wrong thinking at an older age!) It ended up being that he was insecure. I ended up going through some stupid situations because of it and I was moving towards getting out of the relationship.
I went visit my stepmother and he was with me. He joked while we were out shopping about getting these baby shoes. I brushed it off because I knew that wasn't going to happen. We came back to Cleveland and during the week, my stepmother called me. She was talking about my boyfriend and then she asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed. I was like no!
I don't even know how long later but I took a home pregnancy test and all I could say was NO...NO...NO...NO. It was positive. I was in shock and disbelief. I had to go to the doctor. She confirmed it and told me congratulations. I just looked at her. I wanted to cry. I didn't want this. I didn't want this at all. This relationship was not going great and....I didn't want this. I remained in a bad state about it for a long time. What made it even worse was I had to go home and tell my other sons. As if I didn't already feel bad, shocked, and devastated, they made me feel worse. At least the oldest did. I think the younger on just followed him. The oldest kept asking me why and told me "I told you he shouldn't have come here" He made me feel lower than I already had felt. I was beating myself up and he helped me. I cried about it alot. I tried to hide it for as long as I could. (meaning it took me a while to tell anyone) How could I tell my family? How could I tell my Christian friends? How could I let my church know this?
I let myself down and felt I had let everyone else down as well. I let God down. This was not supposed to happen. I couldn't even go shopping for anything baby related. My cousin told me I needed to get it together. It was a long time before I could. A long time.
Then seeing that little blip of a heart beat on the monitor....oh wow. From that point on, everything about being pregnant marveled me. Not like I hadn't had 2 other kids but I was 39 going on 40 and it was a whole different experience. Never did I imagine that I would be having a baby at this age. I thought I was done at having just 2. What an experience. I had forgotten about the whole experience because it had been 13 yrs since my last child...
Well....I will have to continue tomorrow....I'm tired and need to go to bed.
Until next time......
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