I was getting pictures taken of my three sons today. I just started thinking about how my last little one came about.
I had gotten myself into a relationship that started off good but bad at the same time. It seemed like I get caught in this trap of a male coming off as if he is into God. Don't get me wrong, they believe in God but there is difference in believing and living your life for Him. Anyway, the guy I was dating would do things like pray before we ate and we would talk about God at times. Not as much as we should have when I look back. So many things you realize when you look back. (I thought about how he must have watched me for a minute. He knew I was into the bible because he would see me bring it to work and sometimes get into my car at lunch and read it) I wish I was as observant about others as they seem to be about me. But alot of times I don't have an agenda.
Anyway, we started dating and things were good. Unfortunately, a line got crossed and once it was crossed, it was hard to go back. Then the further we got, somethings started to surface. He was a jealous person. Which I found a little cute because I thought that meant he cared. (Man you can still have wrong thinking at an older age!) It ended up being that he was insecure. I ended up going through some stupid situations because of it and I was moving towards getting out of the relationship.
I went visit my stepmother and he was with me. He joked while we were out shopping about getting these baby shoes. I brushed it off because I knew that wasn't going to happen. We came back to Cleveland and during the week, my stepmother called me. She was talking about my boyfriend and then she asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed. I was like no!
I don't even know how long later but I took a home pregnancy test and all I could say was NO...NO...NO...NO. It was positive. I was in shock and disbelief. I had to go to the doctor. She confirmed it and told me congratulations. I just looked at her. I wanted to cry. I didn't want this. I didn't want this at all. This relationship was not going great and....I didn't want this. I remained in a bad state about it for a long time. What made it even worse was I had to go home and tell my other sons. As if I didn't already feel bad, shocked, and devastated, they made me feel worse. At least the oldest did. I think the younger on just followed him. The oldest kept asking me why and told me "I told you he shouldn't have come here" He made me feel lower than I already had felt. I was beating myself up and he helped me. I cried about it alot. I tried to hide it for as long as I could. (meaning it took me a while to tell anyone) How could I tell my family? How could I tell my Christian friends? How could I let my church know this?
I let myself down and felt I had let everyone else down as well. I let God down. This was not supposed to happen. I couldn't even go shopping for anything baby related. My cousin told me I needed to get it together. It was a long time before I could. A long time.
Then seeing that little blip of a heart beat on the monitor....oh wow. From that point on, everything about being pregnant marveled me. Not like I hadn't had 2 other kids but I was 39 going on 40 and it was a whole different experience. Never did I imagine that I would be having a baby at this age. I thought I was done at having just 2. What an experience. I had forgotten about the whole experience because it had been 13 yrs since my last child...
Well....I will have to continue tomorrow....I'm tired and need to go to bed.
Until next time......
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