Barrier down

This weekend has been a little tough. I was able to spend time with God yesterday and I was able to spend time with Him this morning before the baby woke up. Today has been the roughest. It's like I have a broken faucet. I keep crying and crying. I am filling my house with His music.

I have to honestly say that through every thing that has been going on, I have tried to play the stable, steady person. Yes I can get angry, shocked, upset, over some things, but I keep going. Not that the stuff doesn't affect me, I was trying not to let it. But there is a need to get it out. And you best believe it is coming out today.

I feel so...I don't know all the words. I keep trying to cling to God's words and it is hard. I realize that I am hurt more than I let on even to myself. I did care about the baby's dad and it actually does hurt for someone to profess their love for you and turn around and disrespect and hurt you. I keep trying to understand or make myself understand he has issues but that doesn't erase my pain. Not every one is like him and I understand this. I have to learn that when I hear God's voice, to listen very carefully and be obedient.

I wonder why some people's life turn out the way it does. Especially since God's knows our futures. I think it makes it harder when you don't grow up in the word. Or maybe not, I'd have to ask someone who grew up on the word. I was reading Hebrews this morning.

 Hebrews 4:14-16
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I had my thoughts on this...the fact that He was perfect and we are not made it easier for Him not to sin. That right there is a huge thing to me. I thought there was somewhere in the bible that says we are born in sin. I looked at some things and found this: We are not born with sin, but pure and innocent as a gift from God, non-corrupted. As we age, we soil the perfection that was given and become corrupted / sinful..

So when is it that we become sinful? Is it the moment that we know God's word and don't obey it? What about all those out there who don't know God's word and we know they are sinning? Ok, ok...sometimes my mind goes where ever it wants to go and somethings may not make sense...but it is a question that I would like to know. I have to go lay down for a bit.  From all that has poured out of me today, I am tired and have a headache...I need to rest...

Until next time.......

A little venting.........

Today is not the strongest day. I am asking God to be with me so much more today. I was not able to do my devotional this morning as the baby got up with me instead of allowing me my time with God this morning. Not having my time with God is not allowing me to have a peaceful day. Time with Him makes a big difference.
Feeling alone and a little upset. Mainly at the baby's father as now he feels like his son is no longer a priority. But I was preparing for this but it still doesn't feel good to me. Even after he revealed he had read my private thoughts on paper, he had to put one more jab in the mix before 'he' decided what needed to be done. I bought a car. Very nice car because my truck was on it's last leg. It was about to cost me thousands of dollars for what was about to happen to it. Now I feel safe and secure for my kids in this new vehicle. Whatever happened, the baby's dad tried to disrespect me once more and basically said that I slept with my ex-husband to get the car...I am amazed at what this guy comes up with. I work hard and I work for taking care of my family. Don't ask people for things because I am responsible for taking care of my family. But for this dude to insist upon loving me but always turning around and disrespecting me....it's just horrible. To have someone saying things that you know are not true, doesn't fair well at all. After this car episode, he decided we no longer need to communicate except through text....which I had already told him our communication was only for the sake of the baby.....but even he is not an issue for him either....  Why some have to take their stupidity out on kids is beyond me.

It took me a minute to come back from the brink of hating him....more times I feel sorry for him. To have that much anger against someone for whatever you have issues with has got to make a person weary. I see so many sayings on face book that apply to him it is not funny....There are so many times I want to comment about him...but I just don't....hurt people hurt people but I still don't understand why they feel the need to take things out on those who don't deserve it. Whatever...

There are so many things in this period of time, that the devil is trying to get me to focus on. I keep trying to go back to God's word. I despise this world and the things that people do....it is becoming worse and worse. And so many things are becoming common place that used to be a no-no. Yes, at times I feel like giving up...and then a sermon I heard on giving up comes to mind. Some days are harder than others and today feels like one of them...ok I have to go...the baby is refusing to let me write any more...

Until next time...............