Tobymac- Move (Keep Walking)

I had to add this as I heard this after I did my writing! Great motivation for me to keep moving forward!

Just so tired.....

I am so so tired. These days, weeks, etc, have been wearing on me so much! I even pray tired!

I have a 21 yr old who is not even remotely grasping the concept of helping family. He's in a selfish mode and I pray to God his heart changes on that! We are bumping heads way too much and I have resigned to give him an "exit from my house" date. It pains me. I feel like such a weak person in this area. I don't want to kick him out and my heart hurts at telling him this but he needs to be on his own.

So many things going on with the 4 yr old. Besides the fact he is like glued to my hip! There is no where in my house that I can go without this little boy! NOWHERE! Even if I sneak off to another room, he will come looking for me! I am also dealing with his behind daycare. His father wasn't working for 2 months ($800 in daycare) and once he started back, he now just pays his regular amount. I have to remind him to give extra to make up for the months he wasn't paying. However his extra is like $20-$25 dollars. That is doing nothing. I took care of all but 2 speech therapy appointments of my son ($20 copay each time. He attended every Mon for about 5 months) and am now in the process of working with the school district to see if they can assist him in school. So on my vacation, I get to run around on appointments.

Work is in full swing. I belong to a 3 person team. One person went on sabbatical. (Every 10yrs, we get a month off with pay and additional money. This was her 2nd sabbatical) Then when she came back, me boss took off for a week. Both actions done in one of the busiest seasons! Then on top of our busy work, we seem to be having more meetings than can be imagined. I do not like meetings because they can't seem to hold my attention! Maybe I am in the wrong business???? Then of course I still need to take CE (continuing education courses) to renew my agent's license before Oct. Those CE courses are no joke either.

One guy that I was talking to (everyone needs friends), ended up being more stressful than he needed to be. So I talk to him less and less. Everybody seems so selfish. They want what they want when they want it and have no regard for others time or feelings. It's a shame really. And it really makes me more careful to not become selfish in my actions.

Friday, I am going on a night cruise. From Cleveland to PA.  From 7pm to 1:45am.... Although it seems like it will be nice, I have my doubts. But the one good thing is that I am going with a female friend. I don't feel like dealing with males right now! Most just don't know how to be friends!

I am still waiting Lord. On the one you have for me. Prayerfully I will know when he is in front of me! But I am ok right now with not having someone special. I seem to have too much going on to even try to set aside time for someone special, let alone myself. I pray about it, but not as strongly as I should. Because I am tired! Lord please give me some renewed energy!!!!!

Isaiah 40:31 King James Version (KJV)
³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Until next time.....

Dream......Fervent

So I am dreaming. Most of it is weird,  but then it switches. Someone I know is reading a bible verse. The word that sticks out to me is fervent. So I start to ponder this word and tell him I know this word and have defined it before. I start looking for where I wrote it. Then I say, "The fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much".

Then the dream went to me going in a room but the teacher telling me and some others, we had to wait till the 2nd half to play because I stepped out.  I told her I was getting a definition.  Then I woke up. Today I will be looking up bible verses with the word fervent to see if it will come to memory whart he was reading.

In the meantime,  I needed to define the word for myself. Especially since it's not a regular thing to dream of words in the bible. I'm feeling it applies to me for some reason.

 

fervent
[fur-vuh nt]
adjective
1.
having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm, etc.; ardent:
a fervent admirer; a fervent plea.
2.
hot; burning; glowing.

 

So now I have to give the whole, correct bible verse I stated in the dream.  As most of the time when people quote scripture, they don't always quote the whole thing. Just as when some study it, there is no attention paid to what was said before and after, so it can truly be understood.

 

James 5:16  King James Version (KJV)

16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 

One thing I want to note is that I feel asleep listening to a sermon called "Your convictions about prayer". See I am having internal issues about prayer. One thing the sermon said was there are 3 parts to answered prayers.

 

1. Praying in God's will.
2. Praying in faith that it is answered
3. Praying in Jesus' name.

 

I guess I drifted off to sleep with my own questions about it. Like "how do we know what God's will is for us? (What we pray). And "how do we know what we pray for is what God wants for our life?". (Oh and just because we say "in Jesus' name", doesn't mean we will get it!)

I know God either already gave me the answers or will give them to me, if I just ask Him.

 

Until next time.....

Irritated....

I woke up today and read my devotional and have been listening to Christian music all day so far. However, I am not being able to shake the irritation I have been feeling. I am not sure why it is there. Although part of it I think is because woman are quite moody once a month.

Besides that, yesterday I was putting a halt on past people that I know God doesn't feel need to be in my life. Of course they are males. They mess up my life, leave, then go out and keep looking around and hooking up with others. Only to realize they let a "good one" go. So they decide they want to come back around to "claim" the "good one"

No go. I can't do it. I forgive what was done, but have no desire to rekindle anything. I told my sisters, "I want future not past".  I haven't concentrated on finding someone, although I would like someone special in my life. But I want the special person God has for me. I stopped choosing for myself because I obviously don't know how to choose! I am on a different path. And learning more and more about myself, I don't see these past people as being a part of my life. I pray for them but that's about all I can do.

I am tired from a lot of what I am doing. Being part of a 3 person team at work that currently has only 2 people, where I am doing majority of the work, is draining me. My 4 yr old's rambunctious self is draining me. Not having my time is frustrating. My 2 oldest boys are in their own world and have no thought about watching their brother for a few hours for their mother. Having to take care of finances that 2 people are supposed to be taking care of and trying to catch up , while the other responsible for them is not even thinking about them, is draining me.  I am on the edge of cracking apart to pieces. I am trying to cling to God for relief somewhere.

Life has to let up soon God..... I am running out of energy, patience, sanity......

Lord I know you got me! Just a little relief so I can be re-energized to keep going!

Isaiah 40:31 King James Version (KJV)
³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Thank you Lord!

I haven't written in a while. I thought I would be a blogger since I always have things on my mind and not many around to speak on it about. But I get a little busy and can't always blog like I would like to.

So many things have been going on. One day I will sit down and actually blog about it all. But today started as a day of praying about where my life was going. I was asking God to show me because at times I feel like I am at a stand still. That I am not really making much of a difference. Even though I do assist with a website encouraging other women, I still don't truly feel like I make a difference. NO....I am not saying or want to be a person that is in the lime light. Never have been and don't want to be.

But not being 100% sure of your purpose, can be an annoying thing.

However, right now I just want to thank God for giving me the opportunity to talk to someone about forgiveness and letting go. Neither of which is easy. She was in at least 3 abusive relationships. Today she was discussing the anger and other emotions involved with one of those past relationships. It has been 9-10 yrs and she still has the same feelings she had before. Through God's word, I let her know that forgiveness is not for the other person but for us. It lets us move forward in our lives. And it was obvious by the way she spoke, she hadn't moved on. She blamed herself for the choices she made.

We made choices for where we are at in our lives. If we are in a place where nothing seems to work, everything bad seems to happen, and our self esteem is little to non existent, our decisions will be bad. And the consequences will last a long time. I let her know that forgiveness helps us not to feel those past emotions. It doesn't excuse the other person's actions, but it helps us move forward in our lives. I also told her she needed to forgive herself. A sister of mine kept telling me that and it was something I finally took hold of and did. And there are still times I need to forgive myself for things. We are hardest on ourselves.

My friend needs to learn to forgive herself and forgive those who have hurt her. We block the blessing the Lord has for us when we don't forgive and let go. I pray she really did hear what God was saying through me and that she starts to work on it. It is not easy by any means, but God can get us and help us through the impossible.

Mark 10:27 New International Version (NIV)
²⁷ Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to speak on You.



 

Rejection

I have been praying about a situation over the last couple of days. I have been dealing with someone who God helped me get out of a relationship with. This person has gone down. To the point where his job is in jeopardy. Due to alcohol and drugs. So this person had to go into detox.

For some reason, this person continues to call on me for support and encouraging words. At first, it was ok. I could give him encouraging words, words about God and about his life. But now at this point, truthfully I am exhausted. Mentally.

I have come to realize even though he is not the person who is meant for me, a soul tie still exists. And that means that he is still effective to me. I have prayed for the severing of the soul tie so many times. And over the weekend, I found that I was heading toward the same thing that happened the 2nd time we got together. Same girl in the picture. Same words coming from his mouth. But I pray to God that I don't fall into this again. The enemy is coming around on this because the soul tie still exists. But I have God in my corner and am heavily leaning on Him.

I cry out to God that this is a dark part of my life. This person is a weakness and that I need God's help in getting past this. I have helped with words and I even agreed to take him to detox, but then I am affected by the words he says to me. But I can't be. I don't want to be. I don't want to get back into a negative situation.....I cry out to God. Why is this bothering me so much? We as God's children are supposed to help others but where do I draw the line? I am talking to God about all of this. So again, last night I cry out to God. Give me knowledge and wisdom and direction. Help me to understand what I am to do or not do....I am tired....I am being drained even with trying to encourage him in his situation.

This morning, I was walking across the street to my job. As I stepped up on the curb, my past, when I was younger came to mind. Rejection. When I was younger, we went to a lot of white schools. So most of the kids rejected us because we were black. One year, we went to a black school. However, we still were somewhat rejected because by that time, to them we "sounded white". Then even after school into adulthood, rejection after rejection at various times.

So now God has showed me what the problem is. Even with the connection to this ex boyfriend. I was reading on rejection and those who are in bondage from it express it in different ways. Mine is that I have become a "fixer". I looked over other relationships that didn't work and I saw that as a common theme. I went for those who I believed needed "fixing". Boy those never worked out and I ended up in the most pain! What I don't understand, is how do I feel the need to get approval from someone I rejected? (Not intentionally, it was just that person was not who God approved and the relationship was tearing me down). That I just don't understand.

But now that God has revealed to me what the issue is, I pray that He will help change me. Help me to change this. Help me look at and hold tightly to His word on who and whose I am. This is the only way I will be able to get past this. I asked and He responded, so I will continue to look to Him for direction in how to overcome this. I need to get past this for my future. I feel like I am blocking my blessings by being in bondage with this. But God....has a plan for me. He showed it to me and will help me get through it. So it is a tough day for me today. But eventually it will get better. As long as I cling to my Lord!

2 Corinthians 12:9 New International Version (NIV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

 

Until next time......

 

 

If it don't fit....don't force it!

This just came to mind as I was texting back and forth with my ex husband. My last relationship (not with him), didn't work out even for the 2nd time. What I have come to realize, is that it wasn't meant to be. Not in God's eyes anyway.

I have had to face some hard truths behind it too. Like the 1st time, I fell off my plan of abstaining from sex. I had been a year since I had abstained and then I met my ex boyfriend. What ultimately tripped me up was listening to the music that I stopped listening to long ago. We would sit in my driveway, because I wouldn't let him in the house around my other boys yet, and listen to music. That was the start of the downfall. Then came in the confusion of what a true Christian is supposed to do. I was met with so many people that claimed to be Christians but did things that made me doubt. Then they would say, no one is perfect. (Well very true. No one is perfect, but once you know the word of God, the things you used to do that God does not approve of, shouldn't be done. You should guard yourself against those things)

So my mind set went more towards them, you know, to justify what I was doing. Before I even knew it, I left God out of the picture. I was so happy. But eventually my happiness disappeared when I realized he was an overly jealous person. I had planned on ending the relationship and then I found out I was pregnant. So I decided to try to make it work for the baby's sake. Nothing got better. I had a bad pregnancy and a bad maternity leave. Things got worse and worse. Yes there were some good times, but the bad times out weighed the good. His jealousy got worse and worse. The disrespect, the constant accusations, way too much to handle. I asked God to get me out of it. And He did! It was tough after. I would be raising my little boy on my own. Fast forward....  a year later. He kept showing interest and although I was supposed to be developing my relationship with God, I found that I was more worried about being alone than anything. It was like it haunted me. So we talked. He claimed he had changed. He was no longer the jealous person. So we decided to give it another go.

Boy did he lie on that one! And to top it off, he was now an alcoholic. I had never been around an alcoholic before so when he had been drinking, he seemed more joyous. Well that was until he didn't get what he wanted or he was made angry. Then the nastiest things would come out of his mouth. We tried counseling. I felt like if I left, I would be abandoning him. See I had my own issues. But after a while, I felt it was not how what I wanted our son to see and weighed being with an alcoholic against being without one. I prayed again for God to help me get out of it, and once again He did. Although the time was shorter this time, it still affected me. His words would ring in my ears so many times. He made me doubt that I even loved myself or that anyone else would ever.

But I am more determined than ever to stay on God's path. God loves me and right now that is all I need. He knows my worth. And He is fixing my flaws. Whenever my ex boyfriend's words start to peak through, I grasp on to God's word to block them out. Unfortunately, I still have to see him so he can see his son. But I also see he has not changed. The counselor said that he didn't think he deserved me. So I guess he felt he needed to tear me down to what he felt inside himself. He was accomplishing it....but God.

So I am healing and being changed. Well now that I am on my own, my ex-husband wants to say things. He is in a relationship that he claims is going to end. I don't actually care. I am not the person who can go from person to person. (Soul-hopping). My ex-husband has the monetary means to take care of me and makes it a point to remind me of that. But what do you do when your heart is not there? I made it perfectly clear to him that the only man I need in my life right now is God and that I am healing.  But I think he is unhappy in his own relationship. And instead of getting out of it and healing himself, he is looking for another one to jump into. He says I deserve better (yes he is right) and he wants to be the one to give it to me. I told him that he is right. I do deserve better and in God's time I will get it.

I tried to make my relationship with my ex boyfriend work.....just like my ex-husband is trying to be in a relationship with me. Neither of those fit.... and shouldn't be forced. If God is not saying yes to them, why should I? Because I don't want to be alone? Because I want to have my bills paid and a new car every 4 years? (That's what my ex-husband said) I don't care right now. If and when God is ready for me to have a special person in my life, He will let me and that person know. And prayerfully I will be so connected to God, that I know and am not basing it on what I think I want.

Psalm 37:4English Standard Version (ESV)

⁴ Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

Funny, right now I am not even sure what those desires are. But in due time and with the development of my relationship with God, I will know.

Where is He?

I am not even sure what title this one will have. I have been having some serious downs this week. Every devotional I read is just for me. I can't seem to shake it. I have cried, I have called out to God. What does He want from me?

I keep asking Him to get rid of me and fill me with the Holy Spirit. Something is not clicking. The enemy is constantly filling my head with things I don't want. There is a serious battle going on and I don't have the strength to fight it on my own. Where is He? He promised to never leave us nor forsake us, so where is He? Right here. But He is silent. Or is it that the enemy is louder than He is at this moment? I am sick of the enemy! (I found my title!)

I read my bible and do devotionals. But I need to get to church. I am in the midst of looking for a non-denominational church. I am sick of divisions. I don't want to be labeled Baptist, Pentecostal, etc. I just want to praise and worship God. I was invited to a church by a guy. It's Pentecostal. However, I remembered when I had visited Columbus, a church I attended. So I contacted them and asked if they had similar churches in my area. They did. 3. The closest one is in a high school. The next one is 30 minutes away. This weekend, I will be visiting the non-denominational church. I need a whole lot of Jesus and fellowship with others. In the meantime, I continue to listen to my sermons and Christian music. There are nights when I wake up and talk to God. And on those nights, a specific Christian song will come into my head. Thank you God for that. There was a song I heard this morning that was speaking volumes to me. It's called "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
https://youtu.be/St5tz4Pxdhs

"By Your Side"

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

'Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, yeah I'll love you
I'll never let you go, no, no

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Here at my side, my hands are holding you
Ohhh...

So I will be listening to this song most of my day today. In between sermons I will listen to. There has got to be a breakthrough soon. I don't feel I can handle much more.....