I feel like I am missing a whole lot in my life. And that is not good.
I went through a period of time trying to find the right church. Grew up Seventh Day Adventist but I found I didn't want a denomination. I just wanted to worship and praise God without the "what denomination are you?" . But I still didn't find the right church. I went back to my church home but still felt unfulfilled. Alot of older people there. Not really any ministries I could get involved with. And clicks. If I wanted to sing in the choir, that wouldn't be an option. They only wanted those who could blow some serious notes. So I just stopped going.
I especially had some God issues when my closest friend passed away. January 2017. I was stunned for so long! Her faith in healing made me have faith that she would be healed. Then she passed away and I found myself completely lost. I miss her sooooo much. I think about her so much. We talked just about everyday. Mainly through text and email. But from that, I stepped back from God. She was my mentor, my rock, my push to God. And now she was gone. I haven't seen anyone like her. I trusted her and I don't trust very easily at all.
I am back in a relationship with my son's father. Is it the greatest? No. He has alot of internal issues that he has not dealt with and I get blamed for alot of his issues. I am seeking out a counselor to assist. He doesn't listen to me when I give opinions on issues, mainly because I spent a year alone with God finding out about myself, so I can see what he refuses to see. But I believe he doesn't listen because I am a female. But the problem is he doens't have a good, male mentor. So he says he listens to no one which is soooo bad. He doesn't do anything either. Works 2 jobs but has no friends he hangs with.
Me on the other hand, I've gone out with some female associates. I even got together with a Christina group to go places. But being with him, since he has no outlets of his own, he gravitates towards my outlets. Which makes me feel trapped. When I started going back to church, it wasn't that's good! It was , "what church?" "Who told you about it?". Then while I was in church, I received a text from him saying he wants to start going to church with me. He needs church...we need church he says.
Really? I got a little upset at that. Thinking I can't do anything by myself. But then I had to pause. Church is a good thing and to want to go is a good thing. So I let it go. Time will tell how committed he is to it. (And whether he is doing it because he is really seeking God or because he wants to know who is around me)
I need my own outlets! Going to church, I want to be involved in a ministry. I want to fellowship.
I also am thinking about yoga or working out. It's hard when the person you are involved with wants to crowd you. He needs his own... I understand with his past issues, some of the people he knows he shouldn't hang out with. But he won't even step out to meet new people. And I don't want him hindering me. You can help a person only so much. So I am going to pursue my own things to do. And I will continue doing lunches or breakfast with family members. He doesn't even do that. I mean really, take your mother out sometimes. Or get together with your dad. Or even do a boys' day out with your sons. I cannot be someones all. I can't be looked upon to make a person whole or complete.
Now, God can do this. He can make me whole and complete. And I need Him. Everyday. I need to get back to Him. Regardless of the hardships I encountered, He helped me see the light of things so many times. Without Him, I am incomplete and feel like I have a hole in my life. Now what my boyfriend ends up doing while I am in the midst of transformation, I don't know. Time will tell.
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24The Message (MSG)
23-24 May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he’ll do it!Until next time....... God Bless!
