I have had to face some hard truths behind it too. Like the 1st time, I fell off my plan of abstaining from sex. I had been a year since I had abstained and then I met my ex boyfriend. What ultimately tripped me up was listening to the music that I stopped listening to long ago. We would sit in my driveway, because I wouldn't let him in the house around my other boys yet, and listen to music. That was the start of the downfall. Then came in the confusion of what a true Christian is supposed to do. I was met with so many people that claimed to be Christians but did things that made me doubt. Then they would say, no one is perfect. (Well very true. No one is perfect, but once you know the word of God, the things you used to do that God does not approve of, shouldn't be done. You should guard yourself against those things)
So my mind set went more towards them, you know, to justify what I was doing. Before I even knew it, I left God out of the picture. I was so happy. But eventually my happiness disappeared when I realized he was an overly jealous person. I had planned on ending the relationship and then I found out I was pregnant. So I decided to try to make it work for the baby's sake. Nothing got better. I had a bad pregnancy and a bad maternity leave. Things got worse and worse. Yes there were some good times, but the bad times out weighed the good. His jealousy got worse and worse. The disrespect, the constant accusations, way too much to handle. I asked God to get me out of it. And He did! It was tough after. I would be raising my little boy on my own. Fast forward.... a year later. He kept showing interest and although I was supposed to be developing my relationship with God, I found that I was more worried about being alone than anything. It was like it haunted me. So we talked. He claimed he had changed. He was no longer the jealous person. So we decided to give it another go.
Boy did he lie on that one! And to top it off, he was now an alcoholic. I had never been around an alcoholic before so when he had been drinking, he seemed more joyous. Well that was until he didn't get what he wanted or he was made angry. Then the nastiest things would come out of his mouth. We tried counseling. I felt like if I left, I would be abandoning him. See I had my own issues. But after a while, I felt it was not how what I wanted our son to see and weighed being with an alcoholic against being without one. I prayed again for God to help me get out of it, and once again He did. Although the time was shorter this time, it still affected me. His words would ring in my ears so many times. He made me doubt that I even loved myself or that anyone else would ever.
But I am more determined than ever to stay on God's path. God loves me and right now that is all I need. He knows my worth. And He is fixing my flaws. Whenever my ex boyfriend's words start to peak through, I grasp on to God's word to block them out. Unfortunately, I still have to see him so he can see his son. But I also see he has not changed. The counselor said that he didn't think he deserved me. So I guess he felt he needed to tear me down to what he felt inside himself. He was accomplishing it....but God.
So I am healing and being changed. Well now that I am on my own, my ex-husband wants to say things. He is in a relationship that he claims is going to end. I don't actually care. I am not the person who can go from person to person. (Soul-hopping). My ex-husband has the monetary means to take care of me and makes it a point to remind me of that. But what do you do when your heart is not there? I made it perfectly clear to him that the only man I need in my life right now is God and that I am healing. But I think he is unhappy in his own relationship. And instead of getting out of it and healing himself, he is looking for another one to jump into. He says I deserve better (yes he is right) and he wants to be the one to give it to me. I told him that he is right. I do deserve better and in God's time I will get it.
I tried to make my relationship with my ex boyfriend work.....just like my ex-husband is trying to be in a relationship with me. Neither of those fit.... and shouldn't be forced. If God is not saying yes to them, why should I? Because I don't want to be alone? Because I want to have my bills paid and a new car every 4 years? (That's what my ex-husband said) I don't care right now. If and when God is ready for me to have a special person in my life, He will let me and that person know. And prayerfully I will be so connected to God, that I know and am not basing it on what I think I want.
Psalm 37:4English Standard Version (ESV)
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Funny, right now I am not even sure what those desires are. But in due time and with the development of my relationship with God, I will know.
