Alone vs Lonely

Alone: having no one else present; no one's own.

Lonely: sad because no one has friends or company; without companions; solitary

Ok, so I am feeling one or both of these. Either one makes a person sad.  I am always with my kids. Especially the little one so I am majority of the time, not alone. Funny thing is I want the kids to come back when they do leave.

 I watched these videos of couples over the weekend. Yep, let me feeling like I want to be in a relationship. Not just any either. Not a boyfriend. But I understand marriage is a bit hard at times and wonder if I will get that someone who will be willing to go through it with me. NO not my ex-husband either. My exes don't seem to have enough strength for me. And yes the thought occurred why they were picked. Insecurity in myself was part of the reason.

But actually who wants to be alone? All around I see people getting married. Sharing their lives with someone special. I have special people in my life (my kids) but they grow older and eventually leave.  Then it will just be me. Why give me the desire? If it is not to be fulfilled just please take it away....

Personally, I don't want to feel either emotion.

I heard this yesterday and felt it was true to what I felt at one time or another:

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with

I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight

But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out

 

Though I'm silent, my heart is crying

‘Cause I was made to come to You

 

So I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

 

I failed to find the time, but You've been calling out

I let the days go by as if I could live without

But it's gotta be here now, I won't be pulled away

Cause it's just You and I, so let the world around us fade

 

As I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

I'm gonna pray

 

Father, I'm in a desperate place

Father, I know You can bear the weight

Father, Take me in Your arms as I speak Your name

I lift my hands and pray

I lift my hands and pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

And every single part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

I'm gonna pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

More than words, You want my life

Take it as an offering

 

Until next time............

What a difference a day makes....

Today is a calm day. Last night my prayer to God was "Thank You for getting me through today"...that was it. And as a result, He allowed me to have a peaceful night's sleep. I didn't want to get up this morning as I was sleeping so good.

I have been listening to audio bible the last couple of days and man oh man the bible can sound like a good ole novel! So many things went on in the bible. Things that I was amazed that God allowed to occur. Like the 2 daughters that slept with their father in order to continue their lineage. Or the man who had 2 wives and one was not loved as much as the other so God allowed her to have babies, but not the other. And because one couldn't get pregnant, she told her husband to sleep with the maid servant for a child and once the child was born stated God had heard her! Then the man that God instantly made deceased because he was pouring out his "man goods" so his wife wouldn't get pregnant. These stories are something else. But it makes very interesting reading (well listening as I am at work and cannot read at the time)

But it also produces questions as to why God allowed certain things to happen. Makes for some good conversation! Since I was listening to the bible the last couple of days, it allowed me to "want" to listen to music again. So nice.

So you will not get any complaints out of me today. Just thankfulness to God for giving me some peace! Thank you God!!!

Until next time......

Another day....

This morning starts out with a dream. Weird.... come back to that later. I am on my way to work. I see this car in front of me with the license plate that says "N V Mee"....my mind says 2 things. 1. Why??? and 2. This stupid narcissistic world!

I had a conversation with my sister yesterday. Well we email each other every day during work. That's our most communication as she lives in another state. I told her what I was going through and she advised some things to do, starting with letting people know that I wasn't in the mood to conversate. (instead of ignoring them). So when my aunt called, I let her know she did nothing but I was in a depression and didn't want to talk. Then she had to ask why and I told her I cannot pin point it. She said she was depressed when she lost her job and had no money. She said it probably would have been worse if she was caring for a younger one too. I said yeah, I push on because my little one needs me.

I have gone through life hiding my situations from my children. The younger they are, the less they see my messed up emotions. I went through a rougher depression with my 2 older boys when they were younger. I am not sure how I did that (well by the grace of God) but they didn't see alot of my sad emotions. Now that part I am really amazed at how it was kept from them. So now my youngest one, just doesn't get to see the sadness mommy goes through. Why do I do that? Because children are young and innocent and in my opinion do not need to be subjected to that type of emotion when they are little. Now that the 2 boys are older, they have seen emotions that they didn't before. But I still hide it from the youngest. Just me and what I do. Not saying it's right or wrong.

Ok, so the dream (bare with me...my writing is going to be as out of whack as my thoughts)  I was in the house of a guy. I don't what nationality he was. Chinese, Japanese...not sure. But he was good looking and he kissed me on the cheek as he left to go to school. He had a little brother or sister. I couldn't tell in the dream. They were just running around the house not doing much. I felt I was late for school myself. I looked out the window and there was this beautiful sculpture that encased the window. I admired it. Then as I was getting my stuff together, I started seeing all these spiders. I cannot tell you how much I hate spiders. Little ones, big ones. Gives me the shivers just thinking about them. I was trying to get away from them all. I didn't see myself with any type of spray to kill them but something was being sprayed on them and they did die. Some took alot more spray than others. I had someone's hand and was pulling them (protecting them)  from the spiders. The person was small like my son. So it could have been him. Then the guy's brother or sister tried to touch one of the big spiders that looked like it was dead. I pulled them away from it. Did I say how much I hate spiders?  I was very happy when I woke up from the dream.

I think the guy was in there because I had watched a movie the other day, G I Joe, and noticed how the one Ninja guy had a nice chest when his shirt was off. Kinda nice looking like the guy who played Bruce Lee in that movie. The spiders I think came from when I was dropping my oldest son off at his grandparents house and saw 2 spiders crawling and dangling from the house. Oh gross!!!
But having someone's hand (protecting) was most likely the stuff I am going through now where I feel I need to protect my baby boy. I am not sure about the other little boy or girl that was there.

Weird dream! Whatever. I listened to the audio bible yesterday almost the whole time I was at work. I heard somethings but not alot of it. As long something sinks in I should be good. I will do it again today as I do not want to be left to my own thoughts. I'd rather have nice, peaceful thoughts.

Oh yeah, one of the things my sister told me to do was talk to God from my heart. And stop trying to be nice in what I was saying. Tell Him the truth of how I feel about all.
One thing I told my sister was I have never been one to hurt others. Even when they have hurt me and I start the process of getting away from them, if my mind thinks any bit of my actions are in anyway hurting to them, I feel bad. Sometimes, I really hate having that. Because sometimes it prevents me from doing the things that need to be done. I guess at other times, it is a good thing to have, but sometimes it seems like the biggest pain for me to feel that.

Until next time......

It's official!!!!

It has been confirmed for me that depression has come. It is a little different than before but that’s what it is. At this point, I don’t care and I get angry very easily.

 

#1 point of anger, the baby’s father. Every part of me dislikes him to my core. It is so hard to get rid of. Why I have so much dislike for him, I am not sure. I do not wish any harm but I do wish he would just go away. I don’t want him around my son. Just the site of him makes me angry. So many things I want to say about him and know I shouldn’t.  I used to occasionally feel sorry for him but that is gone as well. I don’t even feel that. Ye I know none of this is Christian like but this period is a difficult one to be Christian like in.  This person has nothing but has the nerve to think I want his money. He doesn’t pay for ANYTHING for his son except daycare and is now questioning the fact that daycare allowed grace to be given in paying for my son to be there. The grace period is running out and this idiot wants paperwork and such to confirm that the daycare is requesting this. I gave him the daycare # to call on his own. My tongue is trying to lash out things that shouldn’t be said so occasionally I will have to pause to refrain. 

 

Along those lines, I am in the process of filing for child support. I believe it will be nothing, but I cannot deal with him even giving me the money for daycare as well. So I told him it is better for him to make his payment directly to daycare. (his answer…no problem!-GOOD) My despise for him is bordering on hatred and I will try to do whatever is necessary to not allow that to happen. The less I talk, text, or see him, the better.  I cried Sat. The baby and I were on our way to my dad’s house for an early Easter celebration. We went outside and the baby went running to the neighbor’s house. See there was a bunch of boys outside playing. The oldest son was there too. He is in his 20’s. The baby ran over wanting to be there and was waving hi to them. It broke my heart. Why? Because he has no positive male role model in his life. That’s what hit me the hardest. His father is a drunk who has no problem driving that way with his son in the car. Nor has a problem with dropping his kids with other people instead of being with them himself.  I also am trying to find out about custody. Just because I am considered the custodial parent doesn’t really mean I have custody…does it? Anyway I need to look into this.  The father does nothing for his son. He pays nothing (except one thing) regarding his son. He sees him once a week.  But lately I have been trying to prevent it period. I can’t prevent it from daycare unless I have a legal document telling them that. I should have done this long ago but I stupidly always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. No I am not trying to be one of those who refuse the father’s rights for just anger reasons. He is not fit and he puts my son in danger every time he drinks and then drives. So there is good reason.

 So I see myself this weekend. I don’t want to see people. I don’t want to answer certain calls. My aunt for one. She lost her job and I hadn’t talked to her lately. For a couple of weeks matter of fact and although I love her, I was ok with it.  Then she called. Wanted to know what was going on. Not much. Then she starts in on how I should get my baby tested. (He’s 2.5 yrs old and doesn’t talk like everyone feels he should. I believe he is choosing to do this.) Anyway, through the daycare, there is someone who will be coming in and assisting the daycare on tools to help my son talk. Hopefully it will help. He is a smart child but is very shy and just doesn’t seem to want to talk except to say either move, NO, his brother’s name, and now recently “ouch”.  Anyway my aunt says I should have told my son’s pediatrician that his father was on drugs….I was like I do not know that for a fact so I will not state something I don’t know… She just keep talking and all I could think was I shouldn’t have answered the phone.

My next door neighbor’s stove broke. So she needed to use mine. Which surprisingly, I said she could. She started the conversation telling me her $3000 stove broke down. To which my mind screamed “Who care how much you paid for that stove?” Why do people think that the amount they paid for something is supposed to be impressive? It’s not. Doesn’t make you better in anyway. So who cares??? Anyway, she invited me to come grab a plate. I never did. Didn’t care, didn’t want to.

 Plus I had eaten almost a whole Dairy Queen ice cream cake. And snacked on a lot of junk food this weekend too. Just not me. I watched movies too….as much as I could.

Just trying to block the world out as I pretty much despise it right now. I just want to be left alone and then sometimes I don’t.

 I don’t want to be in the place of being depressed. I have continued to read my devotionals and pray….(I guess not like I should but in this place it is very hard) but I am still trying what I can.

 I listed somethings I was thankful for this morning. So don’t think I am not thankful at all….But I am tired of being in this place. I push on, half-hearted. My baby boy needs me so I am there for him, but not there for myself. Well, my other sons need me to some extent too. I wish I could get it together…but I continue to do what I am supposed to do as a mother. Not with everything but with as much as I can muster. Ok, now I have to get to work….

 

Until next time……………

Not giving up.....

 
Last weekend was tough. It took a toll on me and had tiny thoughts of "no hope" running across my mind.

For starters, when my baby's dad dropped him off Friday, I could tell something was off about him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had seen this same off-ness elsewhere. My baby came right to me, almost like he was relieved to be home. He turned and immediately started waving bye to his father. About 10 min later, I called his father to ask him when the last time the baby ate. I couldn't get a straight answer out of him. Then I asked "have you been drinking?" To which he replied "yes".  Horrible. This guy had a bad battle with alcohol when years ago and I don't know when he started back but he's at it again. I really don't want my son around that. And to know that he drove my son home with alcohol in his system, enough for me to smell it, was even worse. Minor but effecting was the fact the baby's pull up was on backwards and he came home with a unsightly rash on his bottom. He didn't have one when we left that morning. So either daycare or his dad, left him in a pull up too long. My son has extremely sensitive skin. So that hit hard and I prayed and spoke with God on what to do about it. I have not heard Him as I may be worrying about it way too much. Saturday came and I would not transport my son back and forth to his father. Partly because of what was revealed Friday and partly because it is not my responsibility to get him back and forth to see his father.

I had bad dreams this past weekend as well. No doubt due to all things going on. My relationship is rocky with my sister as we do not see eye to eye on a situation she is involved with. I am seeing a side of her that I am not familiar with . I try to look at all sides of her situation and she just looks at her side. I can't say that she is even thinking or following God on this one and all I can do and actually do is pray. I can't speak to her on the subject any longer as it causes strife between us. So much so that I asked her a question on Sat and go a 2 word response. I told her ok, thanks, and she didn't even respond. I will let her be. Nothing I can do. But I can not believe how it doesn't seem she is taking all parties feelings into consideration and it seems she is being judgemental. We have all made mistakes and bad choices in our lives, nothing gives her or anyone the right to judge another person.

I am not even going there about my ex-husband. I am just tired. No momentary break from the baby this weekend either and I really needed one.

I kept reading my bible and my devotionals but at the same time, I think I severely stressed myself out about the situations as I ended up with a headache that still hasn't gone away. Insert the mild thoughts of giving up that are trying to run through my mind. I am tired and exhausted. I keep thinking I am doing what I am supposed to do, following God, but not feeling the joy and happiness that I should.
And even sometimes doubting if I am following Him because of the things going on and the feelings I feel. But I know feelings are fickle and cannot be trusted. Just to know I am on the right path is good enough for me.

Matthew 11:28-30

 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Galatians 6:9

 9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.


Am I doing well Lord? Am I doing well?

Until next time.......

Forgiveness......

Well the Lord has been dealing with me on the forgiveness lately. I sometimes have such animosity against my youngest son's father. He doesn't know it but I get so mad at him for the things he doesn't do as a father. The things I feel he is supposed to do. Really, he has 2 other children and you would think that he has learned something by now.

OK, regardless of that, like I stated, I have been dealing with forgiveness. It is a very hard thing to do for a lot of people. Not just me. A lot of people feel they are 'owed' something for the things they went through. The things they had to endure. Payback is sometimes on people's mind. Fortunately, I have never been a "pay back" type of person, but I have stewed over wrong doing that ultimately made my health go down hill. Yes, when you keep things inside, they end up damaging you more than you think. Ulcers or headaches...to name a few. Mine resulted in having really bad tension headaches. Those are not fun at all!

Anyway, I ended up having a dream about my baby's father. He and I where in a house. His girlfriend was there too. She would not stop talking. Throughout the whole dream she kept talking! Anyway, I was packing and I told my baby's father that the only thing that concerned me was my baby. The baby's father started flirting with his girlfriend, then he turned to me and was talking to me. The dream ended with me writing in a journal. What I wrote was very impactful to me. I wrote "He couldn't love me properly because he had never been loved properly".....Then I woke up. Of all the things I think about to say to him and all the anger I have towards him, and the things I say about him (how he's a sorry father, etc), that made me wake up and say "wow". I couldn't stop thinking about it.

So sometime while driving on my way to work, I said I have to forgive him. A lot of people hurt and damage others because of whatever was done to them. No it is not an excuse for them to hurt or damage but it's an understanding I was given. Does it make it any easier to forgive someone? No. Just being honest. But guess what? Take a look at all the things we have done to our Heavenly Father and the fact that He forgives us. He takes us back when we have strayed. He forgives us when we fuss at Him when we are mad. Whatever happens, HE FORGIVES US.  When He was up there on that cross He said, Luke 23:34 "Then Jesus said, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots."

All they did to Him and all He endured and He still asked His Father to forgive them. How powerful is that? Why can't we do that? It's not in us to do that. But with the Holy Spirit as our guide, we can do it.

I called my son's father and I told him about the dream. I stressed the part about him not loving me properly because he wasn't loved properly. And then I told him, I forgive you. For all that occurred.
I told him that we are incapable of truly loving someone if we have past hurts and pains that we haven't been healed from or dealt with. Unfortunately he still has those things. It is not for me to force him to get healing or deal with his issues. It is for me to show him Christ in me.

Of course part of it he took the wrong way. None of it meant I wanted to be with him. Nor that I dreamt about him in any specific way other than that I needed to forgive him to move forward in my life. Regardless of what he thinks, God gave me the strength to forgive him and with that, I will move forward in my life. No more bad mouthing him. I just do what needs to be done for my loving baby because he is a gift from God and deserves the best I can give him.

God is sooooo good to me! Even when I don't deserve it. Makes me teary eyed to think about it.

Thank you Jesus is all I can say! Thank you!!!!

Until next time......