He has many internal issues that he refuses to confront. He knows they are there. He acts like they don't exist. And the bad thing about it is that they are issues that exist in every relationship he has had. But the problem he has with my children is even worse. His jealousy about them is pathetic.
I came to the conclusion, that his jealousy about my kids comes from his neglectful childhood. He didn't have the emotional and loving relationship me and my children have. He was kicked out by his mom at 15/16. His dad left way before then. So he took to the streets. What would the streets offer him? Not love, not affection, not positivity. No solid, good male figures. So who taught him? When I look at it, I see no one has taught him. No one has taught him how to properly treat a female. No one has taught him what it means to be a man. All he has is mistrust, skepticism, paranoia....so many negative things.
I watch how he treats his mother. He can be nice to her. He will lose his temper with her. He feels guilty because he thinks he caused her stroke. So I guess he's using the rest of his life to do things for her to cut his guilt. He doesn't take her out. He doesn't do anything special for her. For gifts, he invests no time in knowing what she could possibly want. When it comes down to it, she will ask for beer. (She's on disability and stays in her apartment all day, drinking beer, gossiping, and watching TV) When he was in his alcoholic phase, she was an enabler. Complained about him, his actions, but he was in the same state she was. So was the girlfriend he was with at that time. She lived about 5 floors down from his mother. She worked at a liquor place. Enabled him too! Brought home alcohol and weed.
Don't say anything about his mother either. He gets defensive about her, no matter how wrong she may be. But he feels he can give his opinion on anyone in my family. How does that work?
As I said I am tired. I am under a microscope when we are together. He criticizes everything in my life. He thinks he knows better about raising kids, has 3, and hasn't raised one of them. He gets upset at EVERYTHING. He may be unhappy with himself. He has nothing. Not that possessions make a person, but he has nothing. Except a bunch of clothes and now a $400 TV. Oh and a car. I feel he made a bad decision purchasing that car as he has been putting money into fixing it from day one. But you can't tell him anything. I can't tell him anything.
He thinks that telling me he will continue looking for an apartment bothers me. It doens't. He should have done that a long time ago. But he has a tendency to maneuver his way into people's living space. Since I have known him, he has had 2 living spaces. Which he gives up to move in with the female he is currently seeing. When we got back together, he was over my place a few days out the week. Then it turned into every other day, then it turned into every night. I didn't really agree to it. It just happened. He needs to be with a person so he can know what they are doing. He hates not knowing. Even when it has nothing to do with him, he feels he has to know.
If he leaves, I will not be bothered. But I will feel bad for our son. He will not see him as often and if he gets into another relationship, his attention will be on the female and not on the child. It happens every time. He doens't know how to take care of anyone else, let alone himself. And continually looks for someone to take care of him.
There is so much more I can write about but I am even tired of that. We are supposed to see a counselor in February. I don't feel we need it, I feel he needs it. He has no drive, he has no plans for the future that he is actively planning for. Anyone can dream. He once said he didn't like watching celebrities. Why? Because they have money and a lifestyle. I said because they worked hard for it. He said he works hard....No they took a passion of theirs and worked their butts off to get what they wanted. How can you be jealous of someone when you won't/ don't work nearly as hard as they do to get anything?
Which brings me to the question.....why am I still with him? A huge part of it is because of our son. But that may no longer be enough!
When you start praying more and more to God, He will reveal things to you. So I am continuing to pray....
