For some reason, this person continues to call on me for support and encouraging words. At first, it was ok. I could give him encouraging words, words about God and about his life. But now at this point, truthfully I am exhausted. Mentally.
I have come to realize even though he is not the person who is meant for me, a soul tie still exists. And that means that he is still effective to me. I have prayed for the severing of the soul tie so many times. And over the weekend, I found that I was heading toward the same thing that happened the 2nd time we got together. Same girl in the picture. Same words coming from his mouth. But I pray to God that I don't fall into this again. The enemy is coming around on this because the soul tie still exists. But I have God in my corner and am heavily leaning on Him.
I cry out to God that this is a dark part of my life. This person is a weakness and that I need God's help in getting past this. I have helped with words and I even agreed to take him to detox, but then I am affected by the words he says to me. But I can't be. I don't want to be. I don't want to get back into a negative situation.....I cry out to God. Why is this bothering me so much? We as God's children are supposed to help others but where do I draw the line? I am talking to God about all of this. So again, last night I cry out to God. Give me knowledge and wisdom and direction. Help me to understand what I am to do or not do....I am tired....I am being drained even with trying to encourage him in his situation.
This morning, I was walking across the street to my job. As I stepped up on the curb, my past, when I was younger came to mind. Rejection. When I was younger, we went to a lot of white schools. So most of the kids rejected us because we were black. One year, we went to a black school. However, we still were somewhat rejected because by that time, to them we "sounded white". Then even after school into adulthood, rejection after rejection at various times.
So now God has showed me what the problem is. Even with the connection to this ex boyfriend. I was reading on rejection and those who are in bondage from it express it in different ways. Mine is that I have become a "fixer". I looked over other relationships that didn't work and I saw that as a common theme. I went for those who I believed needed "fixing". Boy those never worked out and I ended up in the most pain! What I don't understand, is how do I feel the need to get approval from someone I rejected? (Not intentionally, it was just that person was not who God approved and the relationship was tearing me down). That I just don't understand.
But now that God has revealed to me what the issue is, I pray that He will help change me. Help me to change this. Help me look at and hold tightly to His word on who and whose I am. This is the only way I will be able to get past this. I asked and He responded, so I will continue to look to Him for direction in how to overcome this. I need to get past this for my future. I feel like I am blocking my blessings by being in bondage with this. But God....has a plan for me. He showed it to me and will help me get through it. So it is a tough day for me today. But eventually it will get better. As long as I cling to my Lord!
2 Corinthians 12:9 New International Version (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Until next time......
