Differently.....

So today I am feeling differently than I thought I actually would. I was much stronger and tougher last night. Maybe because I was angry. The baby sort of slept through the night. he tossed and turned some but stayed asleep. I had dreams, sad dreams, but don't remember them now. Which is better that I don't.

I feel like crying. Especially when I look at my baby boy. I love him dearly, just as I do my other boys. Which by the way they tried to cheer me up last night. They combed my hair. They know me. In any situation, when I am mad or whatever, I feel calmed by having my hair combed. Gotta love the kids!

So here comes the time of pain, anger, sadness, reflection, and the knowing that I need to keep it moving. Especially for the kids.
I have to rearrange my life again to make it just me and my boys. Which in the long run might be the best thing in the world. At this point I don't know. Only time will tell.

Until next time....

And so it is done....

This weekend started on a good note but ended on a sad one. The boyfriend and I are no longer. Saturday we celebrated our 2yr dating anniversary. Dinner and a movie. It was a good day. We finally got to get out without the baby. We enjoyed ourselves. When I look back, we didn't have much conversation though.

Then on today, I had signed up for to walk for Autism. That was great. The day was nice, not too hot, not too windy, but just right. Then after the walk, we went to the park and played on the swings and slides with the baby. Good times.

We were exhausted and all took naps. Once the nap was over, my phone signaled someone sending me a text. First thing my boyfriend said, "you're phone is making noise". Really, like I don't hear it. There were 7 texts. It was my oldest son. He and his friends had been playing. So of course, the boyfriend continues to make comments about it. "it has been making noise about 10 times" (he likes to exaggerate) "So what. It was my son."  "All 7 times?"  "Oh my goodness! If you need to look at it look at it. If not be quiet about it!" At this point he stopped asking about it.

I asked him if next weekend, the baby and I could come visit him. Instead of discussing this, he gets mad. (His tone changed) Then he refuses to discuss it. He kept his feelings in. I told him he didn't know how to communicate because instead of expressing his feelings on what I said, he just closes up and says nothing. (However his change in tone signifies he has a problem with it) The next thing I know, he is telling me that I want all of a sudden do this because maybe I have something planned. What???? I am trying to see what we can do to help our relationship and may be we can change things up. But he's not hearing this. He then proceeds to tell me that maybe I have something planned with my ex-husband because he's been contacting me every other day. What????
At this point he references a specific text in my phone which immediately pisses me off because this means he has been going through my phone. (No privacy). No matter what I may feel at any particular time, I do not go through his phone. That is invasion of privacy and even though I have nothing to hide, he is dead wrong for going through my phone! He has had this 'thing' about my ex-husband for a very long time. The fight was ugly. I said some things about him not being a real man. (well, I was actually speaking the truth) And all he could do was keep accusing me of being with my ex-husband. Because he knows what he sees and....I told him I was sick and tired of his insecurity and issues. Because of his damaged past, he continually looks for things to go wrong. I had enough. I can't spend the rest of my life defending myself for something I am not doing. It makes no sense. I have no time to cheat. While he on the other hand, has so much free time on his hands it is not funny. He kept telling me he wasn't stupid and didn't like being played. I told him he was being stupid and he was playing himself.

You know, I truly care about my ex boyfriend but he couldn't see how true I was to him because of his own issues. I can not and never could help him with that. All I kept telling myself was " I care but I am so tired, I don't care if this ends"

So I told him if he continues to think I am cheating with my ex-husband then we don't need to be together. All the accusations.....I was done. So instead of leaving right away, he decides to stay until my older sons come home. Then when they get there, he continues to linger at the house. I wanted him to go. I had enough of him and his accusations and his attitude. But he was there far a while. It was like he really didn't want to go. But eventually he left. I am exhausted.

Part of me is ok with us breaking up. I will not have to hear any more accusations. I will not have to deal with a person who will not trust me. (Never have I given him a reason not to. His past has screwed his head up!) I will not have to deal with the anger he has and the insecurity he has either. I will not have to deal with someone invading my privacy because of his issues.
The bad part is that my son will not have the dad he deserves to have.
Now, I quit with relationships period. I am sooooooo exhausted. So so exhausted. I love my boys though. I have them. Maybe they were all I was supposed to have.

Until next time.....

Not meant to....

I was thinking that maybe I was not meant to be in a relationship....with anybody. Maybe I was meant to just raise my boys.

Relationships are not easy and I have many failed ones. My marriage failed and each relationship I have had after the failed marriage, has failed. There is alot of compromising that needs to go on in  relationship and when you don't have a good one, there is no compromising. We can't even compromise to compromise.

Uggghhh!!! It just starts to permeate to everything around me. It makes you become unhappy with just about everything. That is not good. I need to get out more. I need to get back to the things I know make me happy regardless of what him, his issues, and his boxed in life has brought to me.

I used to write alot. Loved doing it. I had some male friends (religious) that were really good friends. One was a pastor who had helped out the boys in their time of need. We became friends and he was a good religious uplift for myself and my sons. The other one was a family friend. He had actually dated my cousin but they didn't work out. But he was still friends with the family. I don't know how we became friends but he was a great friend. He was so knowledgeable about the bible. I would always go to him for answers regarding my bible study. (At least the ones I just couldn't get). But we also went places. Not as a date but just as friends. God I miss that. He was awesome and funny. But my friends slipped away because of my boyfriend. He said, "I never told you to stop talking to them", which he was right when he said that. However his actions whenever I would talk to them are what made me taper off talking to them. I regret that wholeheartedly!

I miss being by myself. I have no time by myself. During the week, I have all three kids and occasionally my boyfriend will come over. Even when he's not there, he still demands time by phone. Then on the weekend, the older boys go with their dad, sometimes not until Sat and then return early Sun, and my boyfriend wants to stay the weekend, along with my baby. So, I have absolutely no time to myself. He doesn't even take the baby somewhere sometimes to give me rest. My supposed rest consists of going into another room.

I need to take my life back. I need to watch movies and eat solo like I used to do. I thought about volunteering at the animal shelter. I love kittens/cats and I like dogs too. I need me back. He took over my life and not so much in the greatest way. He doesn't do anything extra. Probably because he doesn't trust people but his stuff is not my problem. I can't shut off my life for him. I still need to live. In the past, when we went to church, I tried to get him involved with good Christian men. That didn't even work. For whatever reason the idea to him was good but he never fell through with it. All people out there are not bad. But you do have to be willing to put yourself out there and you'll never know when you will be rewarded with some good, healthy, relationships.

I want ME back!!!!

Until next time......

It's not going to work

I just don't think my boyfriend and I will be together much longer. There are so many differences and so many problems. It took alot to get him to do things while he lived in the house and unfortunately now that he is gone, it's even worse. He came over on the weekend and I watched and waited to see what he would do as far as our little one was concerned. That whole weekend, he fed him once. Once! And when I finally made a comment about it, he instead of accepting the fact thats all he did, he tried to tell me he did more than that. He tried to tell me that he fed him Sat (mind you he had been gone from around 2 to 9:30 and claimed he fed the baby when he came in) Uh no! The baby had already been fed around 8pm. So how does he figure he fed him at 9:30?

Sorry to say but I told him all he thinks about is sex and food. Nothing in between. I got mad at him on Sunday. 1st of all I said I need to go grocery shopping. The first thing out of his mouth is "I don't have any money"...WOW!!! I don't even recall asking you!! I just commented on what I had to do. I had to go to multiple places so he tags along with me. After shopping, I go home. I then cook, get the baby's bottles and bags ready for daycare, and feed him. By then it's getting late. Now I need to wash the baby's clothes so he will have something to wear tomorrow. My boyfriend stands there and says "why didn't you do that earlier?" EXCUSE ME! I was shcoked and stunned that question even came out of his mouth. Are you serious? I just stood there and looked at him. Let me tell you what he did that day. he tagged along while I shopped. Then he left and went to pick up his other son and go drop him off at home. (Ohhhh a whole other story!!!!) Then he comes back, eats dinner, and then gets ready for sleep. So actually, what did he do? NOTHING. But he has the never to ask me that question. I looked at him, turned around, and left the room. I tried to hold it in but on my way down stairs, it slowly leaked out. Nothing bad, just amazed that with all the things I was doing today, that he would even say that. Whatever I said, it eventually made him come downstairs and wash the baby's clothes. All that should never have happened.

I am just so tired. What he is, is a whole different type of person whom I can not pamper, baby, or take care of like he was a child. I am not his mother. He's never dated someone older than himself before nor someone with children. He's dated younger girls he thought he'd be able to control and unlucky for him, they ended up cheating on him. I haven't cheated and will not, but I will not put up with his laxidasical ways either. His 2nd son's mother he said he really didn't want to be with her and she paid for everything. So these other people enable him to want to really not do anything.

The bad part about alot of this is that he either doesn't see or want to see how he is. Nor does he want to change it. It takes too much energy to do that. You have a problem if you say you trust no one. You have a problem when you'd rather be by yourself than to deal with other people because of  'the way they are'. You have a problem when you don't accept responsibility for what you do but push the blame on others.

I don't understand how a man can have visitation rights to see his son every other weekend, but when the weekend comes, he picks up the child, takes him to someone else's house, and doesn't see the child until Sunday, when he has to take him back home? Why do that? First it means he doesn't have to watch him or take care of him, he's allowing someone else to do it. His daughter was here for the summer. The only way he actually stayed in the same house with her was when we moved him out of mine. Other than that he would have just occasionally visited her. She lives in another state for God's sake and your barely see her. Why would you not spend as much time with her as you can while she is here? AFter witnessing all this, I started to think, would it be bad if we didn't work out and I got visitation rights to stipulate that if he is does not have the child during his visit, that he looses visitation rights? I mean what difference would it make? Someone else is watching his child anyway so it's not like he really sees him. So many things to think about.

I keep thinking back to the day I was in the hospital. I had just had my baby. I had a C-section. So I am in the bed trying to recovery from surgery and trying to take care of a newborn. My boyfriend has a seriously insecure issue with my ex-husband. He believes I shouldn't have any type or very limited communication with him because he believes in his mind that my ex-husband still wants to be with me. Mind you it has been well over 10 yrs since we've been divorced. So I am laying in the bed and I get up to go to the bathroom. I hurt so much and am so slow. My baby is in his bassinette sleeping so I have my phone on vibrate so it will not wake him. I eventually come back to my bed only to realize that my boyfriend has called a number of times. When I finally call him back, you can tell right away he was angry. He going on and on asking me what I was doing and why I didn't answer the phone. It's a hospital room and I just had a baby by way of surgery, where would I go? I got mad, because he said something about my ex-husband. What? My dad walks in the room and he hears me fussing back at my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend I am not in the mood for this and I am getting off the phone. I am so mad. I try to dismiss it. My dad leaves the room to go downstairs and meet my cousin. Then my boyfriend appears. He is still heated. He starts arguing with me. "I better not find out he was up here", etc, etc. What is he talking about? My dad eventually comes back and he and my dad go walking and talking. The whole problem was this. Apparently my boyfriend has insecurity issues. My ex-husband called him and asked him what room I was in. That set my boyfriend off. With him being insecure you know that didn't set well with him. So instead of calmly approaching me about it, since I was unable to answer my phone, that only fueled his insecurity. So by the time he finally got to talk to me, he was already high strung. I didn't even know what as about to happen.

First of all why would you even do that to someone who is in the hospital? Who does that? Second, why would you not remain calm enough to ask me instead of coming at me accusingly? I had done nothing and got fussed at and mistrusted for no reason other than my boyfriend already having his own personal issues he never resolved. My father told him that my ex-husband did what he did on purpose. To see what would happen. He wanted to cause issues between us and my boyfriend walked right into it.
My maternity leave wasn't any better. if I didn't answer the phone, he had a problem. He would get upset and cause arguments. He was always thinking I would have my ex-husband at my house while I was recovering. (He's called my ex-husband for a reason!) That is not the mind of a healthy person. That's not even the half of it but I can't even write no more today.

Until next time......  :-(