Not meant to....

I was thinking that maybe I was not meant to be in a relationship....with anybody. Maybe I was meant to just raise my boys.

Relationships are not easy and I have many failed ones. My marriage failed and each relationship I have had after the failed marriage, has failed. There is alot of compromising that needs to go on in  relationship and when you don't have a good one, there is no compromising. We can't even compromise to compromise.

Uggghhh!!! It just starts to permeate to everything around me. It makes you become unhappy with just about everything. That is not good. I need to get out more. I need to get back to the things I know make me happy regardless of what him, his issues, and his boxed in life has brought to me.

I used to write alot. Loved doing it. I had some male friends (religious) that were really good friends. One was a pastor who had helped out the boys in their time of need. We became friends and he was a good religious uplift for myself and my sons. The other one was a family friend. He had actually dated my cousin but they didn't work out. But he was still friends with the family. I don't know how we became friends but he was a great friend. He was so knowledgeable about the bible. I would always go to him for answers regarding my bible study. (At least the ones I just couldn't get). But we also went places. Not as a date but just as friends. God I miss that. He was awesome and funny. But my friends slipped away because of my boyfriend. He said, "I never told you to stop talking to them", which he was right when he said that. However his actions whenever I would talk to them are what made me taper off talking to them. I regret that wholeheartedly!

I miss being by myself. I have no time by myself. During the week, I have all three kids and occasionally my boyfriend will come over. Even when he's not there, he still demands time by phone. Then on the weekend, the older boys go with their dad, sometimes not until Sat and then return early Sun, and my boyfriend wants to stay the weekend, along with my baby. So, I have absolutely no time to myself. He doesn't even take the baby somewhere sometimes to give me rest. My supposed rest consists of going into another room.

I need to take my life back. I need to watch movies and eat solo like I used to do. I thought about volunteering at the animal shelter. I love kittens/cats and I like dogs too. I need me back. He took over my life and not so much in the greatest way. He doesn't do anything extra. Probably because he doesn't trust people but his stuff is not my problem. I can't shut off my life for him. I still need to live. In the past, when we went to church, I tried to get him involved with good Christian men. That didn't even work. For whatever reason the idea to him was good but he never fell through with it. All people out there are not bad. But you do have to be willing to put yourself out there and you'll never know when you will be rewarded with some good, healthy, relationships.

I want ME back!!!!

Until next time......