Well let's see. All last week and this weekend has felt like I have been traveling through Hades. I have been sooo angry lately and trying to find the root of it was even frustrating. My emotions ranged from anger, to tiredness, to self-pity, to 'get it together', with some crying splashed in there as well. I've been angry because alot of things. Ranging from finances not going right on my side, the lack of the dads even considering supporting the kids more outside of child support, the dads not being there as much as you would expect a dad to be, being accused of things that I am not doing....just alot of things. And also getting upset at the realization of some things. I have tried to cling to God during these times and He has made His presence known more in some occasions than others.
I got made that my ex husband makes at least $20,000 more a year than I but can not contribute to his son getting braces. Or for that matter even attempting to up the child support since it has been the same for the last 10 yrs. (there was a stupid glitch in the divorce papers which I found out later that I would need to get a lawyer and go back to court to fix.) I don'y have the money to do that. Period. But he can place $4000 down on a new vehicle with a $500 monthly payment, but not help with more support for his 2 growing boys. Then of course the baby's dad (never thought I would be saying that) barely has money to help get his son the things he needs, yet he works his job, a driving job where he gets paid cash on the weekend, and sells DVDs. I definitely am not understanding that. So of course I was mad at all of that. I figure that's what I get for not staying on God's path. I am being whooped.
Then for the last 2 weeks, my back has been hurting. Now more severely, so it is believed I may have pulled something in it. Add that to the fact that my baby's dad is still acting the same. No change. Yet he is always in my face wanting a kiss or arguing with me about how my journey with God only seemed to take away from him and that he doesn't see much changing except where he is concerned. I was totally taken back that he would actually tell me that I shouldn't use God. What?? I stopped talking to him about God because he always came back to the same subject. Sex....Because I stopped living with him and stopped having sex with him, and because he doesn't see any other change, than it was all against him. Everything that needs to change is a work in progress and somethings are easier to quit than others. He criticizes everything I say regarding God because he keeps thinking about what he doesn't get to benefit from anymore. R is ok, but the moment he stops benefiting from something, he is like a different person. So I no longer converse with him about God. Which when this occurred, God gave me these 2 passages:
1 Corinthians 2:14
New International Version (NIV)
14 The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.
1 Corinthians 5:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[c] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
But still he affects me in other ways as well. The relationship had become a nightmare for me and what poison he had brought, I found starting to dwell within me. I started turning back towards God before the relationship ended which gave me the strength to end it. But I realized that I am still affected.
While being in pain this weekend, I asked the baby's dad to come get him so I could rest. It took him 5 hours from the time I talked to him for him to come get him. Then he left with him for a while. He sent me a picture, which didn't come through my phone, so when he came back and dropped him off, I asked to see it. He flipped through the pictures and tried to flip through what else was on there but not before I saw it. A picture of some girl bending over and then one of her just standing there. He claimed this was a friend. Really? How many people take pictures of the opposite sex (who is supposed to be a friend) while they are bending over? I couldn't say anything else. Thank God the boys had come back home as well and R lingered as much as he could. I didn't even talk to him. This coupled with the sanitary napkin backing I found in his bathroom a couple of weeks ago (which he became so pissed about, claiming that he didn't use that bathroom..etc....but you have been in this house for months now and cleaned just about everything but the bathroom? right), he just disgusts me. He left and along with being in pain physically, this is when I realized I was in pain emotionally too. I cried because of what I keep seeing and not seeing. He keeps coming in my face saying things, wanting to cook me dinner, all while continuing to do what he wants. He tries to prevent people coming in my life through various ways, while he roams free doing what he wants because he is not responsible for any of his kids...meaning he has none of them full time so he takes care of no one but himself.
I cried to God to help me...remove the soul tie...I stopped crying until my oldest son asked me if I was alright and I couldn't hold it in and cried again. He tried his best to console me, bless his heart. So after all this it was shown to me what the issue is. The biggest part is the soul tie. I know R is not for me but I was holding on to the hope that he would change. Listening to a person tell you they love you and how special you are to them, sometimes makes you put hope in the fact that they will get things together and change. But then and there I came to realize this was not going to be the case. I was holding to the hope that he would pursue a relationship with God and that things would eventually be different. But I finally became transparent to myself and to God. God already knows, He was just waiting on me to actually say it. I am hurting from the relationship because of the things that transpired in it. I don't trust R and I never will. Even though we are not together, he is still angry when I don't answer my phone and still accuses me of things I am not even doing. He had a part in alienating people from my life in the relationship so I really don't have people around me to hold onto. Which goes straight into what happened the other night.
I took some medicine last night and didn't remember if I had given enough time between the last dosage I had taken? the thought came past my mind of I would hate for something to happen because I didn't take the medicine right and I wouldn't wake up and the baby would be sitting there crying and trying to wake me. No one was around and no one even called...so the baby would be there for a while before anyone would find him....such a morbid thought but it went through my head. I got up to make sure I gave it enough time between dosages...I did...but just to have that thought come in my mind....very scary
Thoughts like that don't happen to me, but because of everything that has been going on, it happened. So horrible. I woke up this morning and spent my time with God. In Philippians.....I am not on a self-pity trip, I just know there are things going on which I can not take on myself.I am pleading to God to help me because it feels as if there is too much at once to handle. Physical and emotional pain. And almost every time there is contact with the baby's dad, it's like the devil has a supreme hook in him and is using him as a puppet against me. I try my hardest for his poison to not still affect me but what poison he gave me during the relationship is still not gone.
The boys took care of their brother today so I could rest. Thank you God for that. I will be going to the doctor in the next couple of days and see if I pulled a muscle in my back or what. In the meantime, I will be clinging to God for dear life.
