Tobymac- Move (Keep Walking)

I had to add this as I heard this after I did my writing! Great motivation for me to keep moving forward!

Just so tired.....

I am so so tired. These days, weeks, etc, have been wearing on me so much! I even pray tired!

I have a 21 yr old who is not even remotely grasping the concept of helping family. He's in a selfish mode and I pray to God his heart changes on that! We are bumping heads way too much and I have resigned to give him an "exit from my house" date. It pains me. I feel like such a weak person in this area. I don't want to kick him out and my heart hurts at telling him this but he needs to be on his own.

So many things going on with the 4 yr old. Besides the fact he is like glued to my hip! There is no where in my house that I can go without this little boy! NOWHERE! Even if I sneak off to another room, he will come looking for me! I am also dealing with his behind daycare. His father wasn't working for 2 months ($800 in daycare) and once he started back, he now just pays his regular amount. I have to remind him to give extra to make up for the months he wasn't paying. However his extra is like $20-$25 dollars. That is doing nothing. I took care of all but 2 speech therapy appointments of my son ($20 copay each time. He attended every Mon for about 5 months) and am now in the process of working with the school district to see if they can assist him in school. So on my vacation, I get to run around on appointments.

Work is in full swing. I belong to a 3 person team. One person went on sabbatical. (Every 10yrs, we get a month off with pay and additional money. This was her 2nd sabbatical) Then when she came back, me boss took off for a week. Both actions done in one of the busiest seasons! Then on top of our busy work, we seem to be having more meetings than can be imagined. I do not like meetings because they can't seem to hold my attention! Maybe I am in the wrong business???? Then of course I still need to take CE (continuing education courses) to renew my agent's license before Oct. Those CE courses are no joke either.

One guy that I was talking to (everyone needs friends), ended up being more stressful than he needed to be. So I talk to him less and less. Everybody seems so selfish. They want what they want when they want it and have no regard for others time or feelings. It's a shame really. And it really makes me more careful to not become selfish in my actions.

Friday, I am going on a night cruise. From Cleveland to PA.  From 7pm to 1:45am.... Although it seems like it will be nice, I have my doubts. But the one good thing is that I am going with a female friend. I don't feel like dealing with males right now! Most just don't know how to be friends!

I am still waiting Lord. On the one you have for me. Prayerfully I will know when he is in front of me! But I am ok right now with not having someone special. I seem to have too much going on to even try to set aside time for someone special, let alone myself. I pray about it, but not as strongly as I should. Because I am tired! Lord please give me some renewed energy!!!!!

Isaiah 40:31 King James Version (KJV)
³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Until next time.....

Dream......Fervent

So I am dreaming. Most of it is weird,  but then it switches. Someone I know is reading a bible verse. The word that sticks out to me is fervent. So I start to ponder this word and tell him I know this word and have defined it before. I start looking for where I wrote it. Then I say, "The fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much".

Then the dream went to me going in a room but the teacher telling me and some others, we had to wait till the 2nd half to play because I stepped out.  I told her I was getting a definition.  Then I woke up. Today I will be looking up bible verses with the word fervent to see if it will come to memory whart he was reading.

In the meantime,  I needed to define the word for myself. Especially since it's not a regular thing to dream of words in the bible. I'm feeling it applies to me for some reason.

 

fervent
[fur-vuh nt]
adjective
1.
having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm, etc.; ardent:
a fervent admirer; a fervent plea.
2.
hot; burning; glowing.

 

So now I have to give the whole, correct bible verse I stated in the dream.  As most of the time when people quote scripture, they don't always quote the whole thing. Just as when some study it, there is no attention paid to what was said before and after, so it can truly be understood.

 

James 5:16  King James Version (KJV)

16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 

One thing I want to note is that I feel asleep listening to a sermon called "Your convictions about prayer". See I am having internal issues about prayer. One thing the sermon said was there are 3 parts to answered prayers.

 

1. Praying in God's will.
2. Praying in faith that it is answered
3. Praying in Jesus' name.

 

I guess I drifted off to sleep with my own questions about it. Like "how do we know what God's will is for us? (What we pray). And "how do we know what we pray for is what God wants for our life?". (Oh and just because we say "in Jesus' name", doesn't mean we will get it!)

I know God either already gave me the answers or will give them to me, if I just ask Him.

 

Until next time.....

Irritated....

I woke up today and read my devotional and have been listening to Christian music all day so far. However, I am not being able to shake the irritation I have been feeling. I am not sure why it is there. Although part of it I think is because woman are quite moody once a month.

Besides that, yesterday I was putting a halt on past people that I know God doesn't feel need to be in my life. Of course they are males. They mess up my life, leave, then go out and keep looking around and hooking up with others. Only to realize they let a "good one" go. So they decide they want to come back around to "claim" the "good one"

No go. I can't do it. I forgive what was done, but have no desire to rekindle anything. I told my sisters, "I want future not past".  I haven't concentrated on finding someone, although I would like someone special in my life. But I want the special person God has for me. I stopped choosing for myself because I obviously don't know how to choose! I am on a different path. And learning more and more about myself, I don't see these past people as being a part of my life. I pray for them but that's about all I can do.

I am tired from a lot of what I am doing. Being part of a 3 person team at work that currently has only 2 people, where I am doing majority of the work, is draining me. My 4 yr old's rambunctious self is draining me. Not having my time is frustrating. My 2 oldest boys are in their own world and have no thought about watching their brother for a few hours for their mother. Having to take care of finances that 2 people are supposed to be taking care of and trying to catch up , while the other responsible for them is not even thinking about them, is draining me.  I am on the edge of cracking apart to pieces. I am trying to cling to God for relief somewhere.

Life has to let up soon God..... I am running out of energy, patience, sanity......

Lord I know you got me! Just a little relief so I can be re-energized to keep going!

Isaiah 40:31 King James Version (KJV)
³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Thank you Lord!

I haven't written in a while. I thought I would be a blogger since I always have things on my mind and not many around to speak on it about. But I get a little busy and can't always blog like I would like to.

So many things have been going on. One day I will sit down and actually blog about it all. But today started as a day of praying about where my life was going. I was asking God to show me because at times I feel like I am at a stand still. That I am not really making much of a difference. Even though I do assist with a website encouraging other women, I still don't truly feel like I make a difference. NO....I am not saying or want to be a person that is in the lime light. Never have been and don't want to be.

But not being 100% sure of your purpose, can be an annoying thing.

However, right now I just want to thank God for giving me the opportunity to talk to someone about forgiveness and letting go. Neither of which is easy. She was in at least 3 abusive relationships. Today she was discussing the anger and other emotions involved with one of those past relationships. It has been 9-10 yrs and she still has the same feelings she had before. Through God's word, I let her know that forgiveness is not for the other person but for us. It lets us move forward in our lives. And it was obvious by the way she spoke, she hadn't moved on. She blamed herself for the choices she made.

We made choices for where we are at in our lives. If we are in a place where nothing seems to work, everything bad seems to happen, and our self esteem is little to non existent, our decisions will be bad. And the consequences will last a long time. I let her know that forgiveness helps us not to feel those past emotions. It doesn't excuse the other person's actions, but it helps us move forward in our lives. I also told her she needed to forgive herself. A sister of mine kept telling me that and it was something I finally took hold of and did. And there are still times I need to forgive myself for things. We are hardest on ourselves.

My friend needs to learn to forgive herself and forgive those who have hurt her. We block the blessing the Lord has for us when we don't forgive and let go. I pray she really did hear what God was saying through me and that she starts to work on it. It is not easy by any means, but God can get us and help us through the impossible.

Mark 10:27 New International Version (NIV)
²⁷ Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to speak on You.