This morning starts out with a dream. Weird.... come back to that later. I am on my way to work. I see this car in front of me with the license plate that says "N V Mee"....my mind says 2 things. 1. Why??? and 2. This stupid narcissistic world!
I had a conversation with my sister yesterday. Well we email each other every day during work. That's our most communication as she lives in another state. I told her what I was going through and she advised some things to do, starting with letting people know that I wasn't in the mood to conversate. (instead of ignoring them). So when my aunt called, I let her know she did nothing but I was in a depression and didn't want to talk. Then she had to ask why and I told her I cannot pin point it. She said she was depressed when she lost her job and had no money. She said it probably would have been worse if she was caring for a younger one too. I said yeah, I push on because my little one needs me.
I have gone through life hiding my situations from my children. The younger they are, the less they see my messed up emotions. I went through a rougher depression with my 2 older boys when they were younger. I am not sure how I did that (well by the grace of God) but they didn't see alot of my sad emotions. Now that part I am really amazed at how it was kept from them. So now my youngest one, just doesn't get to see the sadness mommy goes through. Why do I do that? Because children are young and innocent and in my opinion do not need to be subjected to that type of emotion when they are little. Now that the 2 boys are older, they have seen emotions that they didn't before. But I still hide it from the youngest. Just me and what I do. Not saying it's right or wrong.
Ok, so the dream (bare with me...my writing is going to be as out of whack as my thoughts) I was in the house of a guy. I don't what nationality he was. Chinese, Japanese...not sure. But he was good looking and he kissed me on the cheek as he left to go to school. He had a little brother or sister. I couldn't tell in the dream. They were just running around the house not doing much. I felt I was late for school myself. I looked out the window and there was this beautiful sculpture that encased the window. I admired it. Then as I was getting my stuff together, I started seeing all these spiders. I cannot tell you how much I hate spiders. Little ones, big ones. Gives me the shivers just thinking about them. I was trying to get away from them all. I didn't see myself with any type of spray to kill them but something was being sprayed on them and they did die. Some took alot more spray than others. I had someone's hand and was pulling them (protecting them) from the spiders. The person was small like my son. So it could have been him. Then the guy's brother or sister tried to touch one of the big spiders that looked like it was dead. I pulled them away from it. Did I say how much I hate spiders? I was very happy when I woke up from the dream.
I think the guy was in there because I had watched a movie the other day, G I Joe, and noticed how the one Ninja guy had a nice chest when his shirt was off. Kinda nice looking like the guy who played Bruce Lee in that movie. The spiders I think came from when I was dropping my oldest son off at his grandparents house and saw 2 spiders crawling and dangling from the house. Oh gross!!!
But having someone's hand (protecting) was most likely the stuff I am going through now where I feel I need to protect my baby boy. I am not sure about the other little boy or girl that was there.
Weird dream! Whatever. I listened to the audio bible yesterday almost the whole time I was at work. I heard somethings but not alot of it. As long something sinks in I should be good. I will do it again today as I do not want to be left to my own thoughts. I'd rather have nice, peaceful thoughts.
Oh yeah, one of the things my sister told me to do was talk to God from my heart. And stop trying to be nice in what I was saying. Tell Him the truth of how I feel about all.
One thing I told my sister was I have never been one to hurt others. Even when they have hurt me and I start the process of getting away from them, if my mind thinks any bit of my actions are in anyway hurting to them, I feel bad. Sometimes, I really hate having that. Because sometimes it prevents me from doing the things that need to be done. I guess at other times, it is a good thing to have, but sometimes it seems like the biggest pain for me to feel that.
Until next time......
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