Not giving up.....

 
Last weekend was tough. It took a toll on me and had tiny thoughts of "no hope" running across my mind.

For starters, when my baby's dad dropped him off Friday, I could tell something was off about him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had seen this same off-ness elsewhere. My baby came right to me, almost like he was relieved to be home. He turned and immediately started waving bye to his father. About 10 min later, I called his father to ask him when the last time the baby ate. I couldn't get a straight answer out of him. Then I asked "have you been drinking?" To which he replied "yes".  Horrible. This guy had a bad battle with alcohol when years ago and I don't know when he started back but he's at it again. I really don't want my son around that. And to know that he drove my son home with alcohol in his system, enough for me to smell it, was even worse. Minor but effecting was the fact the baby's pull up was on backwards and he came home with a unsightly rash on his bottom. He didn't have one when we left that morning. So either daycare or his dad, left him in a pull up too long. My son has extremely sensitive skin. So that hit hard and I prayed and spoke with God on what to do about it. I have not heard Him as I may be worrying about it way too much. Saturday came and I would not transport my son back and forth to his father. Partly because of what was revealed Friday and partly because it is not my responsibility to get him back and forth to see his father.

I had bad dreams this past weekend as well. No doubt due to all things going on. My relationship is rocky with my sister as we do not see eye to eye on a situation she is involved with. I am seeing a side of her that I am not familiar with . I try to look at all sides of her situation and she just looks at her side. I can't say that she is even thinking or following God on this one and all I can do and actually do is pray. I can't speak to her on the subject any longer as it causes strife between us. So much so that I asked her a question on Sat and go a 2 word response. I told her ok, thanks, and she didn't even respond. I will let her be. Nothing I can do. But I can not believe how it doesn't seem she is taking all parties feelings into consideration and it seems she is being judgemental. We have all made mistakes and bad choices in our lives, nothing gives her or anyone the right to judge another person.

I am not even going there about my ex-husband. I am just tired. No momentary break from the baby this weekend either and I really needed one.

I kept reading my bible and my devotionals but at the same time, I think I severely stressed myself out about the situations as I ended up with a headache that still hasn't gone away. Insert the mild thoughts of giving up that are trying to run through my mind. I am tired and exhausted. I keep thinking I am doing what I am supposed to do, following God, but not feeling the joy and happiness that I should.
And even sometimes doubting if I am following Him because of the things going on and the feelings I feel. But I know feelings are fickle and cannot be trusted. Just to know I am on the right path is good enough for me.

Matthew 11:28-30

 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Galatians 6:9

 9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.


Am I doing well Lord? Am I doing well?

Until next time.......