It's official!!!!

It has been confirmed for me that depression has come. It is a little different than before but that’s what it is. At this point, I don’t care and I get angry very easily.

 

#1 point of anger, the baby’s father. Every part of me dislikes him to my core. It is so hard to get rid of. Why I have so much dislike for him, I am not sure. I do not wish any harm but I do wish he would just go away. I don’t want him around my son. Just the site of him makes me angry. So many things I want to say about him and know I shouldn’t.  I used to occasionally feel sorry for him but that is gone as well. I don’t even feel that. Ye I know none of this is Christian like but this period is a difficult one to be Christian like in.  This person has nothing but has the nerve to think I want his money. He doesn’t pay for ANYTHING for his son except daycare and is now questioning the fact that daycare allowed grace to be given in paying for my son to be there. The grace period is running out and this idiot wants paperwork and such to confirm that the daycare is requesting this. I gave him the daycare # to call on his own. My tongue is trying to lash out things that shouldn’t be said so occasionally I will have to pause to refrain. 

 

Along those lines, I am in the process of filing for child support. I believe it will be nothing, but I cannot deal with him even giving me the money for daycare as well. So I told him it is better for him to make his payment directly to daycare. (his answer…no problem!-GOOD) My despise for him is bordering on hatred and I will try to do whatever is necessary to not allow that to happen. The less I talk, text, or see him, the better.  I cried Sat. The baby and I were on our way to my dad’s house for an early Easter celebration. We went outside and the baby went running to the neighbor’s house. See there was a bunch of boys outside playing. The oldest son was there too. He is in his 20’s. The baby ran over wanting to be there and was waving hi to them. It broke my heart. Why? Because he has no positive male role model in his life. That’s what hit me the hardest. His father is a drunk who has no problem driving that way with his son in the car. Nor has a problem with dropping his kids with other people instead of being with them himself.  I also am trying to find out about custody. Just because I am considered the custodial parent doesn’t really mean I have custody…does it? Anyway I need to look into this.  The father does nothing for his son. He pays nothing (except one thing) regarding his son. He sees him once a week.  But lately I have been trying to prevent it period. I can’t prevent it from daycare unless I have a legal document telling them that. I should have done this long ago but I stupidly always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. No I am not trying to be one of those who refuse the father’s rights for just anger reasons. He is not fit and he puts my son in danger every time he drinks and then drives. So there is good reason.

 So I see myself this weekend. I don’t want to see people. I don’t want to answer certain calls. My aunt for one. She lost her job and I hadn’t talked to her lately. For a couple of weeks matter of fact and although I love her, I was ok with it.  Then she called. Wanted to know what was going on. Not much. Then she starts in on how I should get my baby tested. (He’s 2.5 yrs old and doesn’t talk like everyone feels he should. I believe he is choosing to do this.) Anyway, through the daycare, there is someone who will be coming in and assisting the daycare on tools to help my son talk. Hopefully it will help. He is a smart child but is very shy and just doesn’t seem to want to talk except to say either move, NO, his brother’s name, and now recently “ouch”.  Anyway my aunt says I should have told my son’s pediatrician that his father was on drugs….I was like I do not know that for a fact so I will not state something I don’t know… She just keep talking and all I could think was I shouldn’t have answered the phone.

My next door neighbor’s stove broke. So she needed to use mine. Which surprisingly, I said she could. She started the conversation telling me her $3000 stove broke down. To which my mind screamed “Who care how much you paid for that stove?” Why do people think that the amount they paid for something is supposed to be impressive? It’s not. Doesn’t make you better in anyway. So who cares??? Anyway, she invited me to come grab a plate. I never did. Didn’t care, didn’t want to.

 Plus I had eaten almost a whole Dairy Queen ice cream cake. And snacked on a lot of junk food this weekend too. Just not me. I watched movies too….as much as I could.

Just trying to block the world out as I pretty much despise it right now. I just want to be left alone and then sometimes I don’t.

 I don’t want to be in the place of being depressed. I have continued to read my devotionals and pray….(I guess not like I should but in this place it is very hard) but I am still trying what I can.

 I listed somethings I was thankful for this morning. So don’t think I am not thankful at all….But I am tired of being in this place. I push on, half-hearted. My baby boy needs me so I am there for him, but not there for myself. Well, my other sons need me to some extent too. I wish I could get it together…but I continue to do what I am supposed to do as a mother. Not with everything but with as much as I can muster. Ok, now I have to get to work….

 

Until next time……………