I don't even have a title......

I had a nice weekend with my son's prom stuff going on. Family came over to my house and we sat and talked after things died down. It was nice to see family. I enjoyed myself.

Back on the alone thing. It has been bothering me more and more. To the extent I cry out to God about it. You make irrational decisions when you in a place you don't want to be. Things started going through my mind of what to do about my loneliness. And in the end, my heart just hurts. Enough to have me crying today. And it seems like I can't stop crying. Who wants to be at work crying? Definitely not me, but I can't stop it. I hurt...I hurt...I hurt......

I am at the point where I am thinking about staying home from work tomorrow, but actually what will that accomplish. It will make me feel even worse. The things I have been thinking, rationally might lead me down the wrong road, but right now, it seems like the thoughts themselves are tearing me up more than anything. Where I thought I was done, finished, past, I find that I am not. I am sick of the road... I am sick of being hurt, I am sick of happiness eluding me. It's not even fair. The fact that people have to hurt to heal is a bunch of crock to me right now. The fact that we even have to hurt is pissing me off.

I had some confidence on Sunday, but as the day went on, it left me. I was alone. All the boys were gone. I did a little shopping and that was it. The alone feeling came back. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO HURT. I AM TIRED OF BEING TIRED. I AM TIRED OF NOT BEING HAPPY. I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE HAPPY AND CONTENT AND IT NOT FINDING ME AND BEING WITH ME.

I can say I despise where I live. I can tell you somethings I am grateful for but the devil is telling me I have less grateful stuff than messed up stuff.

I am even tired of crying now....hurt and pain turning into anger. I am searching for you God so where are you? Better yet, I know You are always there but why can't I hear you? Maybe because the hurt is more overwhelming today.

I'm done...can't write anymore.......