So I haven't listened to music in a long while. I didn't want to hear anything and I mean anything,. About the only thing I was forced to listen to was the baby's CD while in the car. Music has a tendency to be associated with different times in a person's life; different situations.
One day as I was turning off the baby's CD, I heard a song I hadn't heard in a while. Brian Courtney Wilson-Already There. Oh my soul! All the emotions of when I used to be on God's path came flowing over me! Yesterday, my sister sent me a link to a gospel song she liked . From there, I just started listening to all the gospel songs I used to listen to. Fred Hammond, Smokie Norful, Isreal Houghton, just on and on and on. I felt somewhat better.
But as we all know, the more you try to go towards God, the more the devil will try to sway you otherwise. The baby has been on and off sick for the past 2 weeks. We went to the doctor the other day and now he is on medicine. It has been tough. He was clingy before being sick and now he is supremely clingy. The last 2 nights have not been good for either of us. So I am more tired than I usually am. Through this week, I have had some discussions with R about my journey I am on. I want to live life the way God wants me to. I am tired of doing things the wrong way. While he hears me, he doesn't hear me. He still thinks I should give him one last time. So I ask him, "why are you not respecting what I am trying to accomplish here?" To this he says well he guesses he will not get his last time (which I am not sure why he seems to think he gets one as I never told him that) and what is he supposed to get it elsewhere? Well if you feel you need to then do what you want to do.But he would rather be with me. Then I tell him take the journey with me. However I have to be careful, because I have never said if he takes the journey of getting to know and follow God, that we will be together, so I keep telling him, do this for yourself. Don't do anything to think you will get something out of it. I still don't think he gets it. He is a very selfish person. Like the world, he is bent on pleasing self in any way he can and if one won't play along, then he will have to search out another. It seems that the talks about God , are not really where he wants to be. Doesn't matter how much he may read something, it applies one day then doesn't the next. Like today. I was working from home, dealing with a sick baby, and the other boys are on spring break So because I didn't answer my phone or text when he wanted me to, he got mad. And went back to telling me something about playing 2nd best. Who knows if he will see his son this weekend as when he has issues with the mother, the issue spreads to his responsibility with the child.
Besides him, my tension is running high because of the baby being sick, me trying to work, and the other 2 boys. I am getting to that point where I say "Calgon...take me away"...anyone remember that commercial! LOL
I think when you are on the journey to getting to know God, sometimes you need to go it alone. At least for a minute. Or maybe it is just that R needs to be alone in his life, finally, so God can work on him and I need to do my journey back by myself or run the risk of being attacked by him every chance he gets. He does still have satan in his corner to the point he doesn't recognize what it is, but I do and with all going on, it is still sometimes hard to ignore him. But I will do my best. "I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me" I have to breath God...at all times.....Breath Him, speak Him, praise Him, worship Him, read about Him, and whatever else I need to do to stay where I know is the best place for me....On His path.
God help me to let go of all the things that might be hindering me from completely surrendering myself to You. Help me seek Your face, voice, and words in all that I do each and everyday and allow me to show others You exist in me. This is my prayer in Jesus' name, Amen!!
Until next time........
P.S. I am excited as I received my book "Becoming Spiritually Beautiful: Seeing Yourself from God's Perspective" by Sharon Jaynes. I found this website Girlfriends in God.....I am excited to read and do the study that goes along with it. (being single with 3 boys...it can be a challenge to get my time in....it was a challenge to finally hear my sister in Christ on her radio station....but I did it!..will have to go back and fill in somethings but it was awesome to hear again!)
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