Angry

I have been thinking a lot lately over the holidays. I am coming to an understanding that there are so many feelings going on, that they have put me on the boarder of becoming depressed. Today I am tackling the fact that I feel so much anger. I am angry at a lot of things. But most of my anger stays on my youngest son's father.

There are times when I feel guilty for even feeling anger. For the thoughts that it might produce in my head. I get angry at myself as well for the stupid decisions I make that result in painful consequences. But I can't blame others. I chose the route I went. Thinking that I could make something out of nothing. Hoping that things would work this time. Only to end up with more pain, disappointment, and anger.

I don't want to be angry. I want to be at peace. If I didn't have to deal with the things I have dealt with, I'd be at peace. I think. Because God said we would have trials and tribulations. That is inevitable. But somewhere in there, I yearn for peace.

I started listening to a sermon, and I am allowed to be angry. It's not a sin to get angry. The sin is in what I do with that anger.

Ephesians 4: 26-27  ²⁶ “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, ²⁷ nor give place to the devil.

I tell you this much, God has surely been with me a lot when it comes to my youngest son's father. It's like there is an invisible muzzle on my mouth. Believe me I am grateful for this, however now I need to deal with internalizing that anger. It can have devastating effects on my health. Mainly in the form of bad headaches. With all the things I have going on now,  I do not want to add headaches to the mix.

Getting closer to God is what I need to do. With everything, every emotion I got going on, it is not as easy this time to draw near God as I want. So most prayers are short. Asking for Him to just help me. Showing me and letting me know in my heart, that He loves me. To the point when someone asks, I can state more than, because the bible tells me so. I ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Sometimes that is all I can ask for. So far I have had only on seriously heart-felt prayer. Other times they just seem like pointless ramblings. I will get there. Someday, I will get where I used to be...no past where I used to be. The fire I had at one point was....full of life..... I desire to get that back.

Last night I asked Him to take away me and fill me with Him. Put that fire back in me. He knows I need it. He knows my heart. He knows what is going on....He knows.....