The more I have been turning to God, the worse it becomes with my baby's dad. Yes, I know what it is, but it is tough to deal with. I feel bad, like I am hurting him. That is not my intention. I want peace in my life. Not constant arguing, fighting, and deep rooted insecurity that causes what seems like insanity on his part. He will never live down his insecurity regarding my ex husband. No matter how many times I try to reassure him about it, he will never feel better until I just don't talk to my ex husband at all. However, we have 2 kids together so as long as this fact is true, we will be connected and will have to communicate about them when needed. R's insecurity is deeply rooted in his past and he refuses to see it. I get constantly blamed and accused and told that I should be compromising to make him feel comfortable. I don't see it that way. Our communication is regarding the kids and it is called working together. He and both his other children's mothers don't even communicate unless they call him to reprimand the kids. There is no joint communication or working regarding either child. But then our backgrounds and how we deal with things are very different. As long as my ex husband is willing to do things regarding his kids, I will not stop that. Truth be told when I was married, I was more the leader of the household than he was and alot of decisions that were made regarding the kids was made by me. It still occurs to this day. He will ask my opinion before doing something regarding the kids. Its not that he doesn't know how to be a father, it is just that he feels as well that we need to work together as well. But I have been through so much stuff with my ex husband and I mean bad things while getting the divorce and a some time after that so for us to be civil and working together is a serious accomplishment. But when you have someone in your life who focuses on another male as much as R does, it is not a healthy thing. His mind just keeps racing with all sorts of things when he learns I have either talked to my ex husband or knows we will be in the same space. (like parent/teacher conferences) Then he constantly questions me and needs to try to keep track of my time that whole day. Just pure insanity. I couldn't take it anymore. I dove into my bible daily, listening to Joyce Meyers, and praying. As a result, the more peace that tried to wash over me, the more irrational he was. Nonsense stuff. We had to stop talking. Nothing civil was occurring between us. Petty things....made worse because I wanted peace. He couldn't understand any of it and had the nerve to tell me not to put God into it! HELLO that has been the problem this whole time! God was not in it! I told him he couldn't spend the night....he was sooooo mad and was cursing and everything, in his mother's apartment. Saying he was a grown man and he could curse. I said why are you disrespecting your mother's place? It really didn't matter, she has added something things to this situation too. Try to say one thing in my face and another when around him. A part of me understands because that is her son, but like I told my sons, I will let you know when you are wrong. I won't take someone else's side either to your face or behind your back, but I will let you know when you are wrong and it is up to you to make things right. So I will continue to pray and read and listen to Joyce. My sister says I was so used to negativity, that a part of my peace makes me feel wrong. Like I did something wrong. I did....I stopped talking to God.
Until next time.............
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