Realization

My 3rd child's birthday is tomorrow. Wow....I never thought I would have any kids let alone 3 kids. I never had the patience for kids. I never wanted to get married nor have kids. Well, as I always say, God has an interesting sense of humor. I've been married once and now have 3 kids. Ha Ha...good one God!

Well, today I realized that I was not very happy with my life. I go to work and come home and that's it. I just had a week's vacation where I did absolutely nothing. Well I took care of my baby. Yes I did enjoy spending time with my little one. That was great. But other things prevented complete happiness and rest.

I am now in a place of solitude. I feel like most of it was brought on by my boyfriend and oddly enough, maintained by me....and him.

I would need a while to explain, which I eventually will. It's hot today, so by the time my boyfriend comes back with the baby, some of the family has mentioned it is too hot to cook. My boyfriend goes into this anger fit. Then as he usually does, he decides he needs some air and walks out the door. He must have had a problem with his dad or someone to come back with such a funky attitude. Or, he has an attitude because he's only eaten once today. Well to that I say, it is no one's fault but your own that you don't make sure you eat. (There's a story behind that as well).

So much negativity comes out of him for so many different reasons. No, I am not perfect but he doesn't realize how much negativity comes from him. Don't even try to tell him because all he will do is turn the conversation on to someone else or to something else someone does. He never wants to look at himself. He keeps telling me I don't know about me, but the thing is I've had a period in my life where I was by myself. Where I HAD to look at myself and no I did not like everything that I saw, but I moved closer to solving those things within myself than he has ever done. He's never been by himself. Matter of fact, he can't be by himself. If I leave the house without him, he has to leave and go somewhere. Why? Past issues....and only he can solve or attempt to confront his issues but he doesn't do it.

Anyway, I don't want to take up this whole time talking about him but he is a huge part of this.

Not happy. I am trying to grasp something happy. My children. Boy do they get on my nerves sometimes, but I love them. And the youngest one, the most innocent one, I can't help but smile about him. So I will start there. Thinking about his smile and the new things he will be learning. That's good.

Well, that is it for now. I do not have the privacy I used to have when I was single. And that, is another story.

Until next time.......