Oh, and lay yourself down and let your heart be found
You say come to the river
Drink from the cup I pour and thirst no more..."
This is a song that I have heard before and it is Christian song. This is what God is saying.... Why am I up? Silly girl, why did you have to ask that question? And then the moment comes....
Please Lord, don't allow me to become bitter! My thoughts go to my last relationship. Why? I don't know. This guy was everything the opposite of a real man. He wanted a family but did not know the 1st thing about handling one. Maybe the things came up because of of what happened over the weekend? I don't know. I suffered in that relationship. I think worse than any other relationship I had ever been in. I have 2 other older boys from my 1st marriage and in the end, I realized he never really cared about my boys. To sit and think and even say that my middle son kept trying to inappropriately touch me at times was beyond something I could even fathom. My middle son was affectionate at times but to honestly convince yourself that you see things you didn't see, was damaging. To sit there and say that you didn't trust my oldest boys to watch their youngest brother was another slap in the face. If anything, I trusted my boys more that I trusted him or his mother. But to act like he cared about them and in the end deliberately degrade them to his mother , heart wrenching.
This guy would always watch MY money. Granted he didn't have as much as I did but that never meant for you to watch my money and not attempting to even contribute once you were in my household. I went through alot of financial burdens when my last son was born. Once the lights got cut off. This guy didn't even offer to assist in getting them back on. But he did offer to sit in the dark with us. Really? I understand my feelings toward him changed but that was due to me seeing a person who wanted a mother figure and not a girlfriend.
Then to watch as he commanded his mother to no longer watch our son, I had no more words to speak. Your anger lashes out to doing that not just to hurt me but to your own son! There seemed to be no end to his destruction of others.
I heard a statement "hurt people, hurt people." This guy had a bad past, with relationships. And always said he didn't trust anyone. The more I got to know him, the less appealing he was for a relationship. Or even marriage! Not that I considered that an option. But he never dealt with any of his past issues and everything come into our relationship. Well, I should have kept my eyes on God.
A good majority of the time, I feel like I have healed from that relationship, but then things like this remind me that I am not completely healed. Which sucks because I really would like to be done with it. But apparently I still have some more healing to do.
I just kept talking to God. All men cannot be like him. There has to be good, Godly men in this world. Not only please show me them, but point me towards those who are like minded in their walk as well. Fellowship is something I desperately need.
These old guys keep coming out of the woodwork. For whatever reason. And I don't want any of them. Not even my ex-husband. He is kind and he and his family have embraced my youngest son even though he is not part of their family. I appreciate the things that my ex-husband and his family do for my youngest son, but my ex-husband and I are not compatible either. 1st of all, he has a girlfriend he was living with. (They are mid houses, right now). 2nd, I don't take well to people who talk behind their current mate's backs. Even if it is my ex-husband. Ugghhhh.....past GO AWAY!!!!
Let me be, let me heal, let me move on. Let me focus on God.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.
I give this all to you Lord....take it from me. Heal me, teach me....what needs to be done?
Until next time........
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