Choices.....

I was just thinking this morning, about the decisions I have made in my life. They haven't all been the greatest. I was thinking more along the lines of the people I become involved with. I try to figure out why I get involved with certain people. The relationships don't always end well. Why can't I have that great relationship I hear some talk about? Why can't I have what my grandmother and grandfather had? Its a sad thing to think about. Especially since one more of my relationships ended.

I was looking at my precious little baby last night. He's adorable. He's growing and changing. He will be 1 yrs old this Saturday. Boy time flies! But I was saddened at the fact that now here is another young male who will grow up without a father's true presence in his life. Not because of me because I always leave the door open for dad to see his son, but because of his dad. See I have already witnessed how his is with his other children. One of them lives out of state so that one is a little tricky, but the other lives in the same state and he sees him every other weekend and when he does see him, he lets him stay with someone else for the weekend. (except for the few weekends he felt guilty at what I said to him about spending time with his children. Those weekends he stayed with us)
But that guilty feeling didn't always last. So now I think about how he will be towards my son. Thank God my baby is still too young to go with his dad for the weekend. But I still don't like to think about when he will be at that age when he can. I didn't want this to happen to my son so I feel really bad about that. I now have to make up again for the missing father. I know some boys grow up very well with having a single mother but, well I don't know. I don't know what the future holds for any of my sons. I keep striving though, to be the best mother I can be to them.

So I thought about the choices of guys that were made. No offense to them but there is always a choice of incompatibility. (nice way to put it) We come from different back grounds and different live styles. Aren't differences supposed to help in a relationship? Well, alot of times they don't. Like my last relationship.

When I look back at it, we really didn't have much in common. Not to mention he had alot of issues and baggage that he carried with him. His biggest issue was insecurity. I don't think I have ever witnessed that much insecurity in my life. It was real eye opener. part of me felt bad because he had been hurt so much in his life by people who were close to him. I mean his own brother slept with a girl that was his girlfriend! I mean really, that would cut deep for anyone. But then he never let that stuff go. So he carried it into the relationship. The males I had as friends, they kind of withered away. Partly it was my fault. I was trying to compromise when I was in the relationship. I was not trying to constantly keep in touch with them, but even the smallest communication bothered him. It got to the point where I didn't want to deal with the repercussion it brought so I barely talked to my male friends. Mistake, mistake, mistake! So once the male friends were not around, then my ex put his focus on my 1st and 2nd oldest son's father. It was hell dealing with the ex and still keeping the communication open with my ex-husband regarding our kids. He felt that their dad should be talking to them (because they were old enough), that he didn't need to talk to me. Or he felt he was talking to me too long on the phone. Or he would berate him and talk about what he wasn't doing as a father, etc. I was shocked at the extent he would go. I mean my ex-husband wasn't a perfect father but neither was my ex-boyfriend and I wondered what gave him the right to talk about someone else's parenting skills when he lacked so much. My ex-husband and I have been divorced over 10 yrs now and I am sure if we wanted each other, we would have gotten together before now.

But what came into play here with my ex-boyfriend was his past and how he grew up. His past consisted of alot of people, including himself, cheating on their mate. It also included never seeing that ex-husband and wives, could get along without fighting and bickering and hating each other. Just because he didn't talk to both of his ex-girlfriends he fathered kids with, was not my problem. it meant he didn't know how to do it. So my communication with my ex-husband, to my ex-boyfriend, was like "oh, they are trying to get back together" Talk about issues! This was the worst thing I had ever experienced. But there were so many things that were 'different'. My family always told me to select someone who had money. I always thought just because a person had money, didn't make them a better choice. I still hold to that belief, however when being a family, it does help for both to have money. My ex-boyfriend didn't have alot of money, which was ok. The part that wasn't ok was that he really didn't want to try to get more even in preparation for a new baby! Oh my goodness. It was a nightmare trying to get him to get a better job, another job, or an extra job to get additional money coming in. He was ok with not having much money to take care of business. There are medical bills from when I had my baby, that still need to be paid! Looking back, I see he didn't proceed to get another job because he was so focused on watching me. Staying around me so much so that I couldn't cheat (which I never would have) and making sure others were not around me. Just crazy! Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. But I had dealt with alot of my issues in my period of alone time. I did start to get a little insecure towards the end of the relationship. One because I wasn't giving him much sex and also because I knew what he had done in his past relationship. He cheated on his ex-girlfriend because she cheated on him. However, he was delusional when it came to me. He was always thinking negatively and thinking I was doing things when I was not. (Once my oldest son and I were sitting at my computer desk talking. We were talking about why the Internet was acting up. So later, my ex-boyfriend starting hounding me about how was he supposed to trust me and why was I being sneaking. I was shocked and wondered what he was talking about. So he proceeds to continue to get angry and tell me how my son and I were over there whispering about my ex-husband. What!?!?!?!? he kept getting angry and trying to argue and I didn't want any part of it. So I shut this door that was leading to the upstairs and locked it. It took him a minute to unlock the door. And he remained quiet for the rest of the night. The next morning. I didn't call him mainly because he was wrong in what he did and I wanted him to apologize. He called me and continued to act bad. He accused me of being sneaky with my son and talking about how there is always talking or texting between my ex-husband and myself. This man is crazy! When I locked him downstairs, my phone was down there. So he took it upon himself to go through my phone, which he has done on numerous occasions. Even if I didn't trust him, I have never disregarded his privacy. Although I didn't have anything to hide with my phone, he invaded my privacy.)

I could go on and on about the issues I had to go through being with this guy, but it's too much to list. then I ask myself, why did I stay so long? Only one answer comes to me, for my son. I didn't want another child growing up without a father. I didn't want to be part of that statistic about single mothers. But it happened anyway. A large part of me feels like a failure. But what is done is done. I went through hell but I can recover. I feel sorry for my ex-boyfriend. He still has to live with his issues and baggage which he will continue to carry from person to person until he acknowledges it and deals with it. I bet he is on to the next person already. But its not my concern. My concerns lie with my boys and being the best mother I can be to them. As for another relationship, no way! Not now and maybe not even ever. I am too tired to keep dealing with the wrong people. My boys are my world.

So this weekend, my middle son turns 14 on Friday and my baby son turns 1 on Saturday. Their birthday is one day apart but 13 yrs apart as well! Then my cousin's birthday is on Sunday. A full weekend, I guess that will be good. But I guarantee I will be tired!

Until next time.......