WHO AM I??????

I was pumped yesterday. I sat down to do my writing for WL4J on devotion to God. I looked up bible passages and one in particular stuck out to me.  1 Chronicles 28:9. I prayed for God to direct my writing because I was not sure what I was going to write. Somewhere in there, I got blocked. I kept asking God why I was blocked. Why couldn’t I sit and write anything? Why was there nothing coming to me? I had even looked in other bibles I had (one book assisted with explaining verses, one was a student bible, and one was a women’s bible) and still nothing. I needed to go to bed as I was tired and I sat there, in the midst of the baby having this surge of energy, and looked in the back of the bible for what I was feeling.  It started with bitterness and I thought, no I don’t think it is that. Then I went to anger. Dealing with- ‘angry inside’. It directed me to Psalm 4:4.  

Psalm 4:4

⁴ Tremble and do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.

 

What? What was I angry about? I wasn’t even sure but I knew it was increasing. And I knew it was blocking my writing. Search my heart and be silent huh? And it hit me. I was angry at the text message I had gotten from my baby’s father. See he didn’t see him but 2 days for a couple of hours over the weekend.  Then he called Sunday around 6 stating his daughter was in town and he would see his son wed or Thursday. I said whatever.  So this night he texted “how is my son doing”? “Fine”. “My car is still not working so but I will try to see him soon”.  “Sure. “ I said.

Searching my heart as to why I am angry, I am tired of this person making lame excuses regarding even seeing his son. No doubt there is another girl around as he is not the type to be alone. That part doesn’t bother me. The part that bothers me is the selfishness he has and the lies he tells.  You should never have to give an excuse as to why you haven’t seen your child.  That’s ridiculous. Who suffers? The baby suffers. He sees mommy all the time. He sees the sitter’s husband every day. He sees his father, when he feels like seeing him.  I totally despise men and women who bring children into this world only to never stop and take their children’s feelings into consideration. Stop giving me excuses about seeing your son or what you are going to do for your son. All you’re doing is trying to make yourself feel better for what you are not doing.  

I kept asking God to help me not be angry. To stop even caring about this. I asked Him of it was wrong to ignore the baby’s father when he texted to ask about him because truly I didn’t feel he cared one way or another.  I eventually feel asleep. But my night was not over.

It started the other weekend when I felt I was going through a black tunnel.  This is the weekend I was reading a book, “Becoming Spiritually Beautiful” and God revealed to me that I didn’t feel as I thought I did. Three-headed monster, as it is called, are the feeling of inferiority, insecurity, and inadequacy. Not to mention, who loved me? (That last one made worse by the fact my father, my birth mother, nor my step-mother called me on my birthday) What a revelation to get. Really? As if I didn’t feel low enough.

When I was talking to my middle son the other day about bible verses, Jeremiah 29:11 popped into my head. 

 Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ok so now back to last night.  As I said my night was not over. I woke up in the middle of the night. WHAT?????  Ok, so what am I supposed to say? Let me tell you exactly how my mind went…….

Who am I? Who am I? I thought I was more secure in myself than I am. I guess not. God showed me otherwise. I am broken. Are you happy now? I am broken. I am broke and broken. I don’t even know who I am. I am a hypocrite. How can I write things for other sisters but not feel them myself? Why am I not feeling them anyway?

How is it that these people I picked to be in relationships with, end up breaking me, only to get out the relationship and move on, and most of them get married, to the next person? Why do I have to be alone? I know I am nowhere near ready for someone else to be in my life. I don’t want to block anyone coming into my life, but if I don’t feel loved, how will I love? Do I even believe in it? Stupid movies!  I want to go to sleep.

Who am I? God help me know who I am!  (Mandisa plays)

You're an overcomer

 Stay in the fight ‘til the final round

 You're not going under

 ‘Cause God is holding you right now

 You might be down for a moment

 Feeling like it's hopeless

 That's when He reminds You

 That you're an overcomer

SHUT UP!!!! I don’t want to hear this. I want to hear YOU! (GOD) I want to hear YOUR promises. Why can’t I remember YOUR promises right now? Why are they not there? (Mandisa starts playing again) SHUT UP!!!  I can’t hear from HIM if there is so much going on! I need to hear YOUR promises.  “I will never leave you nor forsake you”….Ahhh….thank YOU!  I need to know YOU love me. I need to know who I am. Why don’t I know this? Why do I feel like I am being a hypocrite? That last relationship stripped me of people around me.  I feel like I have no one. Yet, he gets to live so selfishly. No that’s not how I want to live but …..I am tired……I am working my butt off…..for what? To be kept in debt…..I am supposed to provide for my family! I can’t do that if everything I make keeps going out the door……child support is acting up this year….Thank YOU for the provisions YOU have made for me….when will this end? Why can’t the so called ‘fathers’ do what they are supposed to do? Yes, I know I didn’t follow YOUR direction, but I feel like I will be punished for the rest of my life for it. Where is my faith? Where did it go? Did I even actually have it?  I want to go to sleep…how do I turn off my mind?  I want to fellowship this Friday. Let me fellowship please!

 

I know, I sound so crazy! I felt so crazy and now I am at work feeling done. I am tired….physically and mentally.  Well thanks for that Lord…(He just popped that in..)

Matthew 11:28

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

I gotta go do my work……